Telephone Shiur #3 - How to Save Marriages

We present here various tips on saving marriages, children and family.

1.       Saving Marriages by Thinking of the Welfare of the Children

2.       Who is talking loshon hora about the spouse who is being rejected?

3.       What does the dissatisfied spouse believe is the proper role and position of the rejected spouse? What is the failure of the rejected spouse?

4.       What Does the Torah Say about the problems in the marriage?

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Saving Marriages by Thinking of the Welfare of the Children

1.       We have in the past years, in various media and publications, taught the public the laws of family, marriage and divorce. We emphasize that a coerced GET can usually be invalid, and if the woman remarries with an invalid GET, her children are probably mamzerim.

2.     

  The gemora says that Beth Din is the Father of Orphans. What greater orphan can there be than a mamzer or a child who if his mother has a kosher GET will be a kosher child. But if his mother has an invalid GET, he will be born a mamzer.

3.       We therefore emphasize that if a husband or wife is upset with their spouse, and want a divorce, they have to consider the children. See gemora Pesachim 87b about maintaining a marriage with a wicked woman because there are children, even if the children may be mamzerim. Also Pesachim 113b if a man has an evil wife but has children he has a problem divorcing her.

4.       The gemora discusses saving children by continuing with a wicked wife. But the same principle can be true with a wife who has a wicked husband. If she gets a divorce and the children suffer, is this right?

5.       I once came to a Beth Din and the wife was wailing piteously, and the husband was calm and relaxed. The Rov explained to me that the husband is a baal teshuva who learns in Kollel and the wife tried very hard to become frum but could not tolerate it. Therefore the husband divorced her, and she took their child. I went to the Gaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l and asked him if it is permitted to divorce a wife who is not frum and destroy a child because his wife is not frum. He agreed with me that this is a problem, and said, “If she will keep taharas hamishpocho I would permit him to remain with her and not advise him to divorce her and destroy his child.”

6.       Rabbeinu Tam says in his famous teshuva about coerced Gittin that a woman has to remain an Agunah all of her life rather than take a GET that rabbis of approve of but people will assume that there are problems with it, thus creating laaz or suspicions that the child is a mamzer. Yes, a woman must give up her life to protect her child from suspicions that he is a mamzer. But today we have ladies going to rabbis who coerce Gittin and make mamzerim. Beth Din is the “father of orphans” and we must fight this.

7.       We are not saying that nobody with children should be divorced. We are saying that two Torah Jews who are considering divorce should consider their children.

8.       There are many rabbis who encourage women to coerce divorces and this makes mamzerim. People should be concerned about this. Incredibly, in Philadelphia somebody is encouraging a married woman to remarry without a GET (even though the husband wants to give a GET after a visit to Beth Din to clarify custody, etc.. Where is the protest? Where is the concern?

Children from Divorced Families

The Week Magazine published studies that show nine problems that affect children from divorced parents. Such children were over forty percent more likely to smoke. Another study showed that children of divorced parents are more likely to need Ritalin. Also a study showed that children from divorced parents have poor math and social skills relative to children from two-parents homes. Also they suffer anxiety stress and low self-esteem relative to children from two-family homes. It is unlikely that they will catch up to their two-family peers. Children of divorce also develop more health problems than children from stable families. Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of school. A study showed that ten percent of children of divorce turn to crime and that eight percent consider suicide. There is a link between divorced parents and the risk of stroke. Children of divorce are more likely to get divorced and suffer and early death.

Let us imagine X in a difficult marriage. She/he sticks it out and has wonderful and successful children. As she ages she sees children and grandchildren growing up happy and healthy. Eventually, as time goes on, some of the harsh realities in the marriage begin to fade and she ends up with a happy marriage. And if not, the happiness of her children support her.

But let us imagine Y who got a divorce. She is free from the fiend, but her children suffer. Sometimes they become angry at her for ruining their two-parent home, or for hurting the father. Her life will be a struggle. As she gets older, the problems get worse as some children from broken families suffer from divorce themselves and other problems. What kind of life is that?

Does it pay to rush into divorce? Is it right to encourage the right of a wife/man to have a divorce when there are children?

Number 2: Who is talking loshon hora about the spouse who is being rejected?

Not long ago I was talking to a major Rov in Israel about my Shalom Bayis Beth Din project. Imagine, I said, when we can have neutral people talking to husband and wife about the problems, instead of today, when the parents and the friends are involved. They cannot be neutral. They cannot tolerate the pain of their relative or friend. So they make hate. The Rov agreed vociferously. How many marriages have been ruined by parents and friends. Sad, but true.

Not long ago a dear friend called me up. You know, he said, my wife doesn’t respect me. I was shocked because these people had lived in peace for decades. What had happened all of a sudden? I asked him, “Who has been talking to you?” He replied so and so. I said, “Isn’t so and so just divorced?” Right on. “Get him out of your house.” And there was once again peace.

The New York Time ran an article about an apartment building in Manhattan populated by the up and coming beautiful people. They were couples recently married, successful in business, and rising in the world financially and socially. Their marriages were special.

One day, it seems, one couple got a divorce. Not long afterwards, the neighbor of the divorcee got a divorce. It began, like a contagion, to spread. People tried quarantine, but more and more people divorced, until the building was devastated by divorces. When a bitter person talks about their horrible spouse, the next phase is to talk about your spouse, and after that…

#3 - What does the dissatisfied spouse believe is the proper role and position of the rejected spouse? What is the failure of the rejected spouse?

Why does the spouse reject his/her mate? Let us take an actual case. A woman married a fine Talmid Chochom, one with the highest integrity and a very good reputation as a scholar. The wife demanded and got a GET. I was flabbergasted. I called up the father of the girl and asked him if it was true that his daughter rejected such a wonderful husband for reasons that I could not fathom. The father sadly replied that it was true. I asked if I could speak to the daughter. The father agreed. I asked her if it was true what I heard that the reason she demanded a divorce was X, something that utterly amazed me. Not only did she admit it. She was, after the GET, and after she was on the market for a few months when surely some very attractive boys that she at one time could attract would not now be interested in her. Did that make a difference to her? Not at all. She was fuming with fury at her husband because he was not that very uniquely special person that she demanded.

What was my take on this? How did a girl who obviously had very lofty qualities to attract her first husband turn furious with fire because he was not, shall we say, so perfect or so such a reason? Her father did not want this divorce. So who wanted it?

There is a terrible answer to this. Some senior person in her life, a rabbi or teacher in Bais Yaacov, put down the law. Only a husband great and incredible, otherwise, otherwise what? I don’t want to write it. But that is how a young girl was brain washed into destroying her life. Because what she wanted is not only extremely rare, but those people who qualify for that particular level in some areas, are very often not the best husbands.

What would have been so terrible if she had married and stayed married? Okay, the shame and horror of not being perfect is surely something that we cannot tolerate if you go to the school that this girl went to. But was there nobody, a senior rabbi perhaps, who could have saved the situation? Good question. But there is also a good answer, actually a bad answer, but the right answer. The great rabbi who could have taught this girl to stay married was the one who inspired the girl’s teacher. A terrible thought. But, these things do happen.

I once went to a Gadol from the past generation and told him that in Monsey, the holy city of  Torah and Yeshivas, somebody had established a video store, right smack in the middle of town in the business district. I was sure this Gadol, who was a known fire eater, would get up and give one of his great lectures to arouse the community to fight this tooth and nail. But the Gadol did nothing, and completely ignored me. I asked, again and again, and no reaction at all from him. He ignored me as if I didn’t exist. A voice within me said, “He ignores you. But you are Mr. Mechutsaf. Turn it on.” I blurted out, “Rebbe! Hashchoso!” That was what he was waiting for. Suddenly, he woke up, his eyes flashing, his fingers pointing, a real show. And he said with great theatric ability, “A Yeshiva is hashchoso.” I felt that I was falling down, down, down, but a quiet and still voice said to me, “He said that in public. He has to explain it. Just wait.” So, I just stood there, stunned and amazed, waiting for the explanation.

I don’t recall the exact words, nor do I think that the exact words were the purpose of his response. The first thing he said, that I must look at the problems of the Torah community instead of worrying so much about the treifeh world. The treifeh world has a very limited ability in the Torah community, fortunately. But when somebody wants to do a mitzvah, easily the good deed can turn to hashchoso. As was the case with this poor girl who was taught to reject her wonderful husband because he was not as perfect as somebody maintained. Yes, idealism is a terror in the Torah world.

The Gaon Rav Mayer Mintz, a major Talmid of the Gadol Reb Aharon Kotler zt”l, once told me the following story. A Jew had committed a sin that no Jew was ever known to do. People came to a great rabbi and asked his explanation how a Jew can fall so far. He replied, “I don’t know how a Jew can do such a terrible thing. But one thing I do know. He meant leshaim shomayim, he had idealistic motivations. Once somebody hops a ride on the Torah to do an evil thing, where does it end? Yes, where does it end? HaShem Yerachem.

What Does the Torah Say about the problems in the marriage?

A husband battled for years with his wife and refused to give a GET. The community and his children turned against him, but he was adamant and kept fighting. I once spoke to him and began reading some teachings from the Shulchan Aruch. The man jumped up and said, “I need a wife.” He decided then and there to talk to his children about settling things with his wife.

Problems in marriage are solved with advice in practical terms from others. But anyone who listens to advice from another can easily find a reason to reject it, and this happens all the time. When presented, however, with a clear demand from the Torah, a person has a focus and an obligation to listen. Thus, dealing with a broken marriage with Torah rulings can be successful when ordinary suggestions may fail.

What does the Torah say about problems in marriage? First of all, the Torah, as taught in the Talmud, tells us that the greatest sages had serious marital problems. These problems were not the result of insensitivity, chas vishalom. In one case the wife had terrible pain having children and wanted a GET. But Torah scholars can have problems of all kinds in marriage just like regular people. And Torah scholars must confront the pain of such struggles and find in the Torah the strength to continue the proper way. Thus, the second rule in a damaged marriage is to realize that the Torah did not consider you a failure and a ruined person because your marriage was in trouble. This is a common problem, as life is filled with stresses and confusion and frustrations. There are monetary problems and problems with children and many other problems. But the Torah demands that we find within our deepest recesses the strength to maintain the marriage and bring peace. It is surely not easy and not always successful. Sometimes, nothing helps and sometimes there must be a GET.

The Chofetz Chaim once told a couple to get divorced. Somebody asked him, “Does somebody like you advise a GET?” The Chofetz Chaim replied, “And according to you, why is the law of divorce taught in the Torah if we should always make peace?”

A third rule is to keep in mind that the greatest love can easily turn into the greatest hate. We regularly see the most hideous viciousness between people who share a brood of children, people who are from the finest families, people who went to all of the best Torah schools, but who are now sniping and snarling without letup.

Thus, when faced with  a serious marital rupture it is crucial to bring the problems to a senior rabbi or Beth Din rather than to find guidance with relatives and friends, who will pour oil on the flames with their biased understanding of the situation. The people who deal with a divorce should not be predisposed to one side of the fight but should be people who are not biased in any way. Included in this is the need to find somebody who is not biased about if the greatest importance is to help men or to help women. The person who helps must be free of bias.

As I mentioned before, I told a senior Israeli Rov that my Shalom Bayis Beth Din program does away with parents and good friends “advising” the couple how to destroy the other one. The Rov agreed enthusiastically. Of course, he knew much more than I do what happens when parents and friends mix into the fight. How can a parent understand both sides properly when one side is a son or daughter?

Once a marriage was in trouble and somebody immediately intervened and got a very smart rabbi involved who didn’t know husband or wife. The parents were not informed until things were all organized and ready for the worst. Then the parents were told and encouraged to leave the problems to the rabbi, who did a wonderful job of saving the couple from the common wars and hate that destroy children. Now the couple separated without one word from either spouse to the children about the evil of the other spouse. Now the couple separated with nobody ever hearing hate from one spouse about the other one. People were amazed when they saw that there were even kind words exchanged between the separated individuals and the estranged spouse’s family. Everyone knows that when you separate in a marriage the first rule is to make the other one pay, to speak loshon hora, to demonize them. Well, that is not in the Torah. Surely not. But it is done all of the time by people who do learn Torah, but when egged on by relatives and friends, can descend to the worst hate.

Today there is a great tendency to find a rabbi who permits coercing a GET. But such a GET is considered by the great rabbis a coerced and invalid GET. And remarrying with a coerced GET when the Torah forbids coercion can make mamzerim. Thus, we must realize that not all rabbis know the laws of Gittin, and not all rabbis can overcome their prejudices to one side or the other to rule as it says in Shulchan Aruch.

Somebody once called me up and ranked me out for opposing coercing husbands to give a GET that is against the Shulchan Aruch. I listened to all of his ranting but then asked a  simple question: What is your source to disagree with me? My sources are this that and the other source in the Torah. What is your source? I was told some mumbling and no real source. Eventually, that person came around to realize that I had presented the Shulchan Aruch’s opinion and that of the great authorities, and the other side was an invention based upon non-Torah motivations. He enthusiastically backed my program of preventing coerced Gittin.

When you open your mouth without the Shulchan Aruch, there is evil and chaos.

If before you wage war and speak loshon hora in a marital fight you sit down and think what the Torah would say, it could save you a lot of time in Gehenum in this world and the next. But the best thing is to present your problem to somebody who knows what the Torah says about marriage, and has no bias in your case.

The gemora says that “The mizbach weeps at a divorce.”

Why the mizbayach? Because the mizbayach was the altar for burning sacrifices to atone for sin. The mizbayach thus rectified sin. If a sin to G-d can be rectified, why can’t people rectify their own problems with each other to save a family and the children? So the Mizbayach cries when people divorce.

See Rashi Nosho 5:12 about a marrried woman who went to another man. She sins twice says Rashi, once against HaShem and once against her husband. Because HaShem participates in each marriage so that the woman is considered as one betrothed to Heaven and to her husband. If people would realize this, that the honor of a spouse is the honor of HaShem, would they do what so many people do when the fight comes?

There are those who train women to lie about their husbands and go to court and have the husband destroyed. This happens regularly especially in New York State where the courts have power to force a GET, threatening the husband with jail and loss of money and loss of custody. Such a GET is invalid and the children born from it may be mamzerim. And yet, we hear very little complaints about Torah women going to court and destroying their husbands. The first husband is the evil one, he is demonized. But the woman who goes to court and wails Agunah is the martyr. These are Torah Jews, rabbis and women, and some husbands, who do against the Torah and are going to answer why they did this. And those who do not protest this will also answer to a Higher Court.

Incidentally, the power to force a GET was made in New York State by a Modern Orthodox rabbi, and in our world when people are too busy or too ignorant to protest, such things happen.