#3A-Wife Wants GET Divorce, Husband Refuses
In ancient times, based on the Torah of Sinai and the Talmud of latter generations, a man had the privilege of marrying many women as long as he could provide for each of them a proper marriage. This meant that the husband would have intimacy with each of them on a regular basis and supply their basic needs. Furthermore, a husband could divorce his wife even if she refused it. But in more recent times, great rabbis ruled and these rules were accepted by the vast majority of Jewry, that a man may not marry more than one woman. Furthermore, a man may not force a divorce on his wife.
Another important matter to be introduced here is the issue of marriage with Kiddushin. Nearly all Orthodox Jews are married today with Kiddushin. Kiddushin means that the husband acquires his wife when he gives her a ring or a valuable, or if he gives her a marriage document and she accepts it, or if the two have marital relations in order to marry with it. The marriage requires two Orthodox male witnesses to see the marital ceremony or to assume that of course there was the act of marriage when that is appropriate. For instance, if the marriage is activated with Biah, the witnesses do not see it directly but they know enough to assume strongly that it took place.
From the above it is obvious that men have a better portion than women in family. A woman is “acquired” and she belongs to the husband. She cannot leave the marriage without a GET given by the husband to her willingly. But the basic marriage ceremony is accepted by both husband and wife. Usually, that is a wise decision, when we live in a time when the marriage lasts. But in recent times, or when there are serious problems in the marriage, either husband or wife can want to leave the marriage, but the various rabbinical decisions inhibit and limit this ability.
Today there is a crisis in gender issues. There is a war between men and women. Nowhere is this struggle more revealed than when the woman wants a divorce and the husband refuses.
First things first. We want to discuss here male and female in marriage. And we want to understand why it is so unequal. If this rule was created by the Torah, we want to understand it. If we do not understand it, does that mean that a woman must feel inferior to the man? This is a critical question.
If we dance around the issue we have a problem when the morning blessings include for men the words, “Who has not made me a woman.” Women say “who has made me as He willed it.” At this point, we can do one of two things. One, we can accept it and assume that women are inferior, for whatever reason. Or, we can insist on doing better than that, and know exactly what the Torah means by this inferiority. But who is going to do that? I will.
That sounds very brave or maybe something else. But, I will put up or shut up. I am very happy for you to be as critical as you like. In my favor I will say that I studied intensely under the greatest sages in the world in the revealed and hidden law. My rebbes were Geonim Reb Aharon Kotler, Reb Moshe Feinstein, Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev and other gedolei hador. I have a very strong semicha from Reb Moshe Feinstein who said in his approbation for my book on halacha that “I know Rabbi Eidensohn for many years as one who delves deeply into complex Torah questions.” From the Gaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l I received permission to be a Poskek of a Beth Din in Gittin using his name. My rebbe in this world and the next is the Kabbala genius of Jerusalem, Rabbi Dr. Shmuel Toledano, and I will not fear to talk about the Kabbalistic teachings of gender.
I want to give myself one more compliment before I get to work on what I said. I was once on a radio show talking about something terrible. Somebody called up and criticized me for that. But after a full dose of criticism, she suddenly said, ‘But your children are nora (awesome).” They got that way because of my wife, and when I spent a long time every Shabbos talking about Torah, it was usually directed at the level of superiority of women. The children benefitted from that, and today, my children are heads of large and important schools. One of them is international.
Okay, time to get to work.
#3b-The Torah Teaches the Superiority of Woman
The gemora in Berochose 17A says, “Greater is that which HaShem promised to women than what He promised to men,” as it is said (Yeshaya 32) “Confident women, rise up and hearken to my voice; daughters who trust, hearken to my words.” Rashi explains that when the prophet called out to women and said that they were trusting and confident, it meant that this was a special quality of women. The gemora thus learns that women were greater than men in trusting and having confidence in HaShem.
A man has power and does not need so much to trust and to be confident in HaShem, but the woman does. This level of the woman requires her to trust in HaShem and to maintain a confidence in Him even when this world is not hospitable.
This quality is crucial. People who have everything and don’t need to trust and be confident because they are already happy with their lot are missing out on the great level of trusting Hashem and being really confident in Him even when such seems remote. Thus, the Jewish people are always getting exiled and killed and who knows what. But even in the darkest moments, they turn to HaShem. So many stories are known about Jews in the camps of Hitler. One said he felt the years in the camps that it was one long Yom Kippur. I prefer the regular Yom Kippur, but his level is a trust and confidence in HaShem that powers him to a totally new dimension. I always say, “When I come to the Other World they will say, ‘What did you bring here? What great deeds did you do?” And I will say, “I ate two bowls of cholent every Shabbos.” And they will say, “Well, how does that match up with so and so who was tortured for four years in the camps and he hid his tephilin and wore them regularly?”
Yes, the people who are ready for the other world are those who are completely removed from it. They saw Gehenum in this world, and the next world will be the opposite. And those who had pleasure in this world, what can they expect, two pleasures for both worlds, for what?
