How to
Behave in Marriage
Rav Dovid Eidensohn
– Talmid HaGaon Reb Aharon Kotler, HaGaon Rav Moshe Feinstein, HaGaon Rav Yosef
Shalom Elyashev, all of them zt”l
Laws of
Marriage for Shalom Bayis
Rabbi Dovid E.
Eidensohn
We present here teachings from the gemora
about Shalom Bayis in marriage. We begin with Yevomose 62b “He who loves his
wife as he loves himself, and one who honors her more than he honors himself,
and he who trains his sons and daughters to go in the proper path, one who
marries off his children near the time of their coming of age for marriage,
regarding him the Torah says, ‘and you will know that your tent is peaceful.’”
He who loves his wife as he loves himself
is praised. But is this real love or an effort to love his wife? Or perhaps the
effort in of itself does the job. After all, the Torah in parshas Tsaitsei
tells us that, “and he shall make his wife rejoice.” Rashi and the Zohar says
that it does not say “he shall make his wife rejoice together with him” but it
says that he makes her rejoice even if he is not rejoicing and even if the
effort to make his wife happy takes away his own pleasure. Because making his
wife happy is the Torah’s command. A prominent expert in marriage says that
marrying out of love is wrong because as people get older they change, and two
people who once loved each other may change and the love may decline. The right
path is to marry someone good for you and to commit yourself to remaining
married no matter what. This commitment brings love, but love does not bring
commitment. (From Mort Fertel)
What does it mean “One who honors her
more than he honors himself?” This refers to monetary matters. It is winter and
it is necessary to buy a strong coat. But there is money only for one strong
coat. Who should get it, the husband or the wife? The wife. The Raishis
Chochmoh page 266 says that a husband must always honor his wife with monetary
matters and parnoso. Thus, he honors her more than himself, because he spends
money on her that he cannot afford for himself. This is similar to what we say
above that a husband must make his wife rejoice even though he does not
rejoice. In fact, the act of making his wife rejoice may cost him some
aggravation, but he is commanded to sacrifice his own happiness for his wife.
Of course, a wife who sees her husband always trying to make her happy
reciprocates. A marriage that is a partnership is a problem, because each
partner feels they work harder than the other partner. But when one partner
says I will assume the burden by myself and not wait for the other person, that
is a higher level, and one that can bring peace into the home.
Raising children properly is not an easy
task. Children are not mature people and need a lot of attention and ability to
deal with minors. But one who deals with them in the proper path and does his
best can merit heavenly help in developing fine children.
One must be very careful when raising
children not to make the mistake of Yaacov who loved Joseph more than his other
children and let everybody know it. This led to the brothers of Joseph selling
him to Egypt. We have to know not to show one child more attention than the
other children. We have to know to always encourage a weak child. We have to
realize that a parent lives for the children, and that is a lifetime job, but
it is at its height when they are very young. If then the parents sacrifice all
and raise children properly, they may merit very special children.
When children come of age and the parents
look for shidduchim, this can take up day and night. But the benefits are
lifetime achievements.
