Profile Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn

Showing posts with label Marriage and living with Torah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage and living with Torah. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

When marriage with Kiddushin is wrong and what is to be done about it

When Kiddushin is Wrong

by Rabbi Dovid Eidensohn

Kiddushin is the holy mitsvah that prepares Klal Yisroel for children with holy souls. A marriage without Kiddushin is missing a key element in Kedusho. Kiddushin is from the word Kodosh and the level of the marriage, its ceremonies and participants, creates the level of the marriage and the progeny.

But there are people who should not have Kiddushin. Yes, Kiddushin is the source of all family holiness, but Kiddushin also a problem. When somebody marries and cannot tolerate the strict rules of Kiddushin and ends up doing great sins, the Kiddushin may have caused it. Therefore, some people find holiness in Kiddushin, and some people the opposite.

When a marriage doesn't work out well and one person wants a divorce and the other person refuses, we have problems. A man may seek HETER MAYO RABBONIM, but a proper one is a major undertaking and probably expensive. But a woman has no escape. Therefore some women just give up Yiddishkeit until they get a GET. Such people who cannot tolerate the rules of Kiddushin should never marry with Kiddushin in the first place. But what can they do if they are Torah Jews and cannot tolerate Kiddushin?

I recently had long discussions with some people about this problem. I feel it is a mitsvah to let people know exactly what the halacha parameters are. 

One who is not prepared for traditional marriage with Kiddushin, which is hopefully a life time venture, has some possible alternatives, which he must discuss with his Rov, as these ideas have pros and cons.

First, one may marry for a short time, and the couple agrees that it will last so long and then end in a GET. This is not sinful and was done by rabbis of the gemora. But in the world of today, it is something that nobody heard of. So if somebody does it he runs the gauntlet of severe criticism which is no fun. The big problem in this is if the man likes the woman and wants to stay married and she wants a GET and the husband refuses. That is a real mess and the woman is stuck. Even if the husband wants a GET and the wife refuses, and the husband seeks HETER MAYO RABBONIM, it is very difficult and could be very expensive, although some people claim they can do it faster and cheaper than others.

Secondly, a person can date here and there, knowing how challenging it is to find somebody to marry. Who is he fooling? Every day a man or woman is alone and has a healthy sexual drive, he is playing with fire. And many people get burned.

Therefore, once a person is married with Kiddushin, they are married and only the death of the husband or wife or a proper GET divorce will end the marriage. A prominent Rov told me that he was given a video of people in a prominent Torah community switching wives with other married men.I told this to somebody and he laughed at me, saying that he knows of a bungalow colony established so that people can switch wives. I hope it is all a mistake. Maybe. But what if it is not a mistake?

I have had calls and visits from people who are not ready for Kiddushin but cannot be alone. Now, that is a problem.What can such people do?

The first thing such people must do is to stop and think, and think carefully. Think about what? What we want to do here is to say some shocking things about the Torah community. Yes, there are many terrible divorces. Yes, there are many ruined children. Yes, there are very few really prominent rabbis. Yes, there are a large number of people who play rabbi who don't follow the Shulchan Aruch and the poskim. But these are facts. What is there to think about them?

We want to do two things. One, to show the mistakes people make in their lives, in their marriages, in their families, in their Yeshivas, in their serving HaShem. And then, we want to show them what the Torah, the Talmud, the teachings of the great rabbis, had to say that can make a difference for a person who is thinking carefully.

Now, the need to teach all Torah people what the Torah really says has nothing to do with people who can't accept Kiddushin or can accept it. It applies to all Torah Jews and to all people. Therefore, we must spend some ink on two topics, one, what the Torah really tells us how to live and serve G-d and our needs, and two, a deeper discussion of people who cannot marry with Kiddushin and related issues. But let us add here a few quick teachings that will subsequently be elaborated, to make us realize once and for all that the train is going in the wrong direction and that is why marriage, family, and people in general are missing our and even suffering. A major part of our discussion will be about money. Happiness is the key to success. Much money can create a selfish monster or it can create a loving family of kindness. But money is not the problem, it is how we relate to money and how we spend it.

Let us begin.

The Rabbi Who Demanded Wealth for His Students who were Great Scholars

What? A rabbi demanded wealth from his students who were great scholars? If they were great scholars, it meant that the learned Torah constantly. How did they become wealthy?

First of all, who do you think that rabbi was? And who were his students?

What if I told you that the rabbi was a great Talmudist? What what would you say that if it was Rovo perhaps the greatest of his generation and a mighty scholar of Talmud? And his students? One was Rav Popo, who followed Rovo to be a senior great.

Question: How in the world can somebody who is devoted to learning Torah, to be truly outstanding and great in Talmud, become wealthy?

Second of all: Are you ready to seek wealth? Maybe you just don't believe what I just said. But this is a clearly taught gemora in Horiuse 10b. There is no question that it is completely true. So why are you and so many others running away from wealth? But when do you have time to learn Torah, take care of your family, and become wealthy?

Another question: The Talmud says that many great Talmudists were very wealthy. Rabbi Akiva, perhaps the greatest of them all, had extraordinary wealth, money that he had absolutely no need for, and yet, after many great enrichments, he decided he needed more and hired a diver to find something interesting in the sea. It turned out to be a box filled with treasure.What, more and more and more wealth? Rabbi Akiva?!

Rabbi Akiva's rebbe was Rabbi Eliezar the Great, who was also wealthy! So was Rabbi Yehuda the Prince, the greatest of his time. Elijah the Prophet would attend his lectures regularly. Rabbi Yehuda wrote the Mishneh which is the Talmud, and his Mishneh was later developed into discussions on the Mishneh known as Gemora.

Rabbi Tarfon also a teacher of Rabbi Akiva was very wealthy.

Another question. The Mishneh in Avoth tells us that marriage is for people seventeen or eighteen, and that waiting for twenty to marry is too long.