|
Contents
It is known that in the
life of a Torah child and family, the greatest happiness is often the
marriage of a child, especially a woman, who comes to the wedding with
exquisite gowns and jewelry. It is appropriate for a woman to feel special
about the marriage day. The gemora and the poskim tell us that a man must
love his wife as he loves himself and honor her more than himself.[1] A good marriage is about a husband constantly
thinking of ways to honor his wife more than himself. The Torah tells us that
a man upon marriage should “make his wife rejoice.” Rashi and the Zohar[2]note that the command is not for the husband to
rejoice in marriage “with the wife” but to “make her rejoice” meaning, if it
is hard for the husband to give all to make his wife happy, he is doing
things properly. But if he goes about his marriage as a partnership,
and he is only willing to go so far in his kindness to his wife as she goes
for him, that is wrong, and the marriage is not going in the right direction.[3]
Thus, marriage, at least
the beginning of marriage, is ideally an opportunity for the wife to be the
center of attention, and the husband is careful to make her happy even if it
is hard for him. We have come so far talking about the beginning of the
marriage, the first day or so, and of course the first year is also special,
and hopefully, afterwards as well. If things go well the first day and the
first year, and the husband really trains himself to please his wife, and she
reciprocates his love for her, that is a winning combination. But the reality
is, especially today, that marriages are not always as smooth and lovely as
we wish. In fact, the topic of our discussion here is about when things go
wrong, and the marriage does not work out well. We are even discussing here
what happens when the wife is fed up with her husband, and yes, sometimes she
wants a divorce. But according to the Torah, the man has the power to control
giving the GET, or ending the marriage. If he does not give his wife a GET
willingly, she is not free of him.
If she finds some rabbi
who encourages her to get people to pressure the husband to give her a GET
against his will, that GET is invalid. If she remarries with it, an invalid
GET, and has children from the next husband, there is a problem of the
children born from an invalid GET to be mamzerim. But to stay married to
someone she cannot stand is also terrible. Thus, the situation with Kiddushin
can begin in a lovely matter, but it can end terribly. What is a woman to do?
Let us be honest.
Kiddushin is a problem for women, and it could be a problem even for men,
although we are emphasizing now about the problems for women. We know that
the majority of Orthodox women marry with Kiddushin, maybe nearly all of
them. But what happens when the marriage sours? Rather, is there any way to
avoid the crisis of a woman desperate to leave her husband when he is not
interested in her leaving? One idea is for the husband to promise to divorce
her at a certain time, but he could change his mind, and there is nothing she
can do about it. She could refuse to marry at all, but what kind of life is
that? It is even a sin to refuse to marry, because people have biological
forces that cause sins in one not married. No, the truth is, that Kiddushin
is a major problem, with all of its glitter and glory. Increasingly, people
find the worst problems from Kiddushin.
There is, however, a
solution. But like many solutions, you have to think slowly and carefully
into this solution. It may be for you and it may have problems. The solution
is to marry without Kiddushin that gives the man the power to control the
marriage and the wife’s happiness, and to marry with something known as
Pilegesh. Pilegesh is a marriage discussed in the gemora Sanhedrin 21A and
the Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 26:1 in the beginning of the laws of
Kiddushin. The Ramban[1] enthusiastically
embraces Pilegesh, and says that the Rambam also accepts it, as long as the
couple marries in a serious manner, that is, not as zenuse. A couple
committed to marriage, even one without Kiddushin, but as Pilegesh, are
married in a kosher matter. It is not only kosher, but it saves the problems
of Kiddushin, because the husband and wife, if they see the marriage as a
problem, can simply end it, with no penalties at all.
I know some women who
married as Pilegesh and they were happy with it. Some had big problems with
Kiddushin and were advised that the next marriage should be Pilegesh, and
they were very happy with Pilegesh.
And yet, there is
definitely a negative feeling in marrying with Pilegesh, at least, in some
people. What I say to these people is to understand that if there is a
Kiddushin marriage and it fails, and the woman goes to a “rabbi” who violates
the Torah and forces the husband to divorce her, her next children will be
mamzerim. Now, can Pilegesh be worse than mamzerim? No. That usually
convinces people, but not all people.
I have actually dealt
with people who feel that better mamzeruth than Pilegesh. Well, the children
born from the Kiddushin marriage that produces mamzerim will not agree, not
after they become mamzerim. So how can anyone believe that Pilegesh is worse
than mamzeruth? Again, Pilegesh marriage, assuming it is a true marriage and
not zenuse, is a completely valid thing, backed by gedolei hadorose, such as
Ramban and even Rambam if there is no zenuse but a real marriage. Pilegesh is
discussed in the very beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin in the Shulchan
Aruch. The Vilna Gaon there quotes the gemora in Sanhedrin 21A that Pilegesh
is without Kiddushin and without Kesubo, but it is a viable marriage, again,
as long as it is a real marriage.
I know people who had
problems with Kiddushin, men and women, and who are interested in Pilegesh.
But it is a new thing and few people do it today, so that itself is a problem
for many people. I understand that. What I don’t understand is the people who
tell me strongly that when I promote Pilegesh they are at war with me. But
when I tell them about Kiddushin making mamzerim, they are not at war with me.
What world do they live in? Pilegesh is not a sin and mamzeruth is a sin and
the worst pain for a child and for the parents. Who can feel that Pilegesh is
worse than mamzeruth? But I repeat that somebody who thinks carefully, will
realize that making mamzerim from your children is much worse than marrying
with Pilegesh.
I also maintain that a
woman who marries with Kiddushin, must realize the danger she is in. Perhaps
the husband will not be what she wants, and maybe he will refuse to divorce
her willingly. If so, there is no escape other than the death of the husband.
Of course, she could find a “rabbi” who tells her to disobey the Torah and
force the husband to divorce her. But if she does that, children born from
her second marriage will be likely mamzerim.
I want to make it clear
that a woman who marries with Kiddushin must be aware of the potential
problem if the marriage doesn’t work out well. In earlier generations when
great Gedolim like Reb Aharon Kotler and Reb Moshe Feinstein were actively
involved in all kinds of issues, nobody would dream of doing what so many
people do today, to go to a “rabbi” and violate the Shulchan Aruch by forcing
the husband to give a GET against his will, which will produce mamzerim if
the wife remarries with such an invalid GET. Surely nobody would go further
and do what “rabbis” throughout the world are doing today, to tell a woman to
leave her husband and remarry with no GET at all. But today, without the
giants of yesteryear, people including “rabbis” are not afraid to do what
they want to do, and they know how to convince women to force the husband to
give a GET or to even leave the husband with no GET. This is a major reason
that I suggest Pilegesh today, because Kiddushin does not carry a guarantee
that the woman will honor it and if she does not honor it, it could produce
mamzerim. Surely better Pilegesh than mamzerim.
We have thus concluded
the first section of our discussion of Pilegesh. The next section will be
about the laws of Pilegesh and how to arrange a Pilegesh marriage in
practical terms.
Pilegesh in
Halacha
We begin with the
gemora in Sanhedrin 21A quoted by the Vilna Gaon in his commentary to the
beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin in Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 26:1. A
Pilegesh has no Kiddushin and no Kesubo. What then are the laws of Pilegesh?
A major source to permit
Pilegesh is from the Ramban. The Ramban is found in the volume of the
Teshuvose of the Rashbo entitled “Responsa of the Rashbo that seem to be from
the Ramban.” Let us explain what this means. The Rashbo has many volumes as
he was one of the greatest codifiers and poskim. One of those volumes is
known as Meyucheses meaning, it is included as a volume written by the
Rashbo, but actually, it is from the Ramban. Let us explain this a bit. The
volume called Meyucheses is classified as being from the Rashbo, but at least
two teshuvose are clearly not from the Rashbo but from the Ramban. These are
responsas number 283 and 284. Both of these teshuvose are clearly marked as
being not from the Rashbo but from the Ramban. Many other teshuvose in this
volume are not marked as being from the Ramban, and they are generally
included with the other responsas of the Rashbo, although at least two of the
Teshuvose ascribed to the Rashbo are definitely from the Ramban and not the
Rashbo, as stated before. Again, the other of the 288 teshuvose in this
volume are not clearly marked as being from the Ramban, which would seemingly
indicate that they are not from the Ramban, but from somebody else, maybe the
Rashbo. But the two responses that are clearly marked as being from the
Ramban, these two are surely from the Ramban. Responsa 284 is about Pilegesh.
Let us see what the Ramban says about Pilegesh.
It is a long teshuva but
let us take a few passages that clarify somewhat what Pilegesh means and what
Kiddushin means. It seems that Kiddushin means that the woman the husband
marries with kiddushin becomes his wife, as if he has acquired her. The
Pilegesh does not have this aspect, and she is not acquired by the husband.
Thus, in Kiddushin, since the wife is acquired by the husband through the
Kiddushin, she may not leave him without his permission, unless he gives her
a GET willingly or dies. Pilegesh, on the other hand, does not confer upon
the husband the right to claim that the woman is acquired by him. She can
therefore leave whenever she wants, as can the husband.
The second law the Ramban
discusses about Kiddushin and Pilegesh is that in Kiddushin the woman is
sanctified by the Kiddushin and becomes forbidden to everyone other than her
husband unless he dies or gives her a GET willingly. The Pilegesh married to
a man her husband is forbidden to be with other men, as this is zenuse. But
the Pilegesh husband doesn’t have power over the wife as does the Kiddushin
husband. The Pilegesh husband does not “acquire” the Pilegesh wife.
A Pilegesh does not have
this acquiring in the sense that the husband acquires her and has power over
her. Now a Pilegesh surely is forbidden to go with men not her husband as
long as they are married. But it is not because the husband acquires her as
he acquires a Kiddushin wife. It is rather because a Pilegesh must be careful
not to turn her relationship with the husband into Zenuse, or prostitution.
If the wife of the Pilegesh husband goes around sleeping with other men she
has violated the sanctity of marriage for Pilegesh, and Rambam would consider
her a sinner because she acted with zenuse.
The third level discussed
by Ramban is that Pilegesh is not Mekudesh [sanctified with Kiddushin] as is
the woman who is sanctified with Kiddushin. It is not clear what this means.
Possibly, it means that a woman who accepts Kiddushin is somewhat sanctified
by it, but Pilegesh has no sanctity similar to Kiddushin. She and he her
husband must honor their marriage and not run around with zenuse, but she has
no sanctity bordering on Kiddushin. What we gain from this is that a
woman with Kiddushin must deal with her elevated status of holiness not to
leave the husband without his permission, etc., but the Pilegesh lady is not
“acquired” and can leave her husband whenever she wants to.
The Ramban then says that
even though the Rambam in the Laws of Kings says that Pilegesh is permitted
only to a king, the Ramban says this means that if one takes a woman as
zenuse without marrying her, that is forbidden for somebody who is not a
king, but one who takes a Pilegesh to marry her, Rambam agrees that a
Pilegesh is permitted. Possibly a king who marries a Pilegesh does not fear
that she will commit zenuse, because once the king takes her as a Pilegesh
and surely if he has relations with her, nobody will go near her for zenuse,
nor will anyone violate her marriage with the king out of fear of the king.
Another major backer of
Pilegesh is Rav Yaacov Emden, son of the Chacham Tsvi. See his Teshuva sefer
Shaalas Yayvetz II:15. At the end of the lengthy teshuvo there, he writes how
to do Pilegesh properly: “The husband must designate a room in his house for
his wife the Pilegesh, and to warn her against ever being alone with any
other man, and if he ever discovers that she sinned and was not careful, that
he should immediately send her out of his house, and also he should command
her to go to the Mikva regularly, and he should notify her that there is
absolutely no shame in this. Also, he should clarify for her that children
born from him are kosher children just like the meyuchesdika children in
Jewish homes, so long as she guards her covenant and will be faithful to this
man her husband, but not if she goes with other men to have zenuse with them.
Because then her children are the products of zenuse. And she is a Kedaisho
prostitute who deserves a punishment for every biah that she has with this
man or any other man.”
In Pilegesh marriage the
wife must be faithful to her husband. But the husband may have more than one
wife, or the Pilegesh wife and another wife. Nowadays it is rare to find a
man with more than one wife but I am referring to the laws of Pilegesh. There
the woman must be faithful to her husband but the husband is allowed to marry
other women. Today, marrying more than one wife is a problem but in ancient
times men did have the right to marry more than one woman. But the woman
never had the right to marry more than one husband.
We have covered basic
halochose of Pilegesh. And now we come to understanding in practical terms
the proper halacha applications and status of a Pilegesh marriage.
Proper
Halacha Application and Status of a Pilegesh Marriage
Until now I have quoted
various sources to explain why Pilegesh is permitted, and we have touched on
various aspects of living as a Pilegesh. But now we want to go into a new
area, so let me explain what it is.
As I mentioned above,
most people marry with Kiddushin and few people marry with Pilegesh. This
itself is a problem for those who marry with Pilegesh. For instance, Mr. A
marries Mrs. B. as a Pilegesh. They live together for several years, and have
children, but then decide to break up the marriage, which for a Pilegesh is
basically simple. No GET is required. Permission of the husband is not
required. Okay.
Now, let us imagine that
Mrs. B. decides to leave her husband. One day somebody comes to her and asks
her if she is interested in remarrying. She replies that she wants to know
who the man is. So she is told who the man is. Then the shadchon asks the
Pilegesh lady, “Can you show me a paper that you received a proper GET?” Mrs.
B. never got a GET, because a Pilegesh doesn’t need a GET. But if she replies
that she is a Pilegesh and doesn’t need a GET, people may not accept that.
Very few people do become Pilegesh. So what does the Pilegesh lady do?
Another Pilegesh problem
is mentioned in the section of the Shulchan Aruch that begins the laws of
Kiddushin. One of the problems of Pilegesh is that she may be embarrassed to
go to the Mikva to be cleansed of Nida. In fact, there is an opinion that
forbids marrying a Pilegesh because she may be embarrassed to go to the Mikva.
But if she is prepared to go to the Mikvah, which may have some embarrassment
for her, she is permitted. But let us make a mental note of this, that if you
are in a community with thousands of people who have Kiddushin and maybe five
people have Pilegesh, some people, including the Pilegesh, may not understand
or perhaps they will understand too well that they should be embarrassed! If
we talk about people married with Pilegesh, we must deal with these issues.
We don’t want women refusing to go to the Mikva, and we don’t want women
attacked because they have no GET when they are Pilegesh who don’t need a
GET.
Recall that our title of
this section is Proper Halacha Application and Status of a Pilegesh Marriage.
I want to present the following here: Proper Halacha Application and Status
means dealing with Pilegesh people as human beings who are protected from
problems that crop up when somebody is different than most other people. This
is especially true in something as sensitive as marriage and having children.
So, what do I suggest?
One, I suggest that a couple
that wants to marry as Pilegesh be trained by a rabbi who is prepared to
explain all of the possible difficulties, and who is willing to work hard to
find solutions to those problems.
Let us talk about the
problem of going to the Mikva. Whose problem is this? It is the problem of
the Rov who manages the couple who are Pilegesh. The Rov must find the proper
Mikva. I know somebody who is very interested in Pilegesh and told me about a
person who paid for an expert in constructing kosher Mikvas, even for ladies,
and built such a Mikva. Now men use that Mikva during the day and women at
night. Of course, there have to be men on duty by day and women on duty by
night. But if the owner of the facility is willing to cooperate, it can be
done.
Another solution is to
find somewhere a place to build a Mikva, perhaps one for ladies. If the
proper expert can be found, and be told that it is for ladies, who require a
much more professional Mikva than the one for men, and he agrees to keep it
kosher for ladies, we have achieved something. Of course, money is needed to build a Mikva.
But many good things require money. At any rate, there are always things that
crop up and the Rov who helps out the Pilegesh people in his area has to be
ahead of the game, but it can be done.
The Practical
Rules of a Pilegesh
What do we mean by The
Practical Rules of a Pilegesh? What it means to me is as follows: There are
from the senior rabbis of the generations various teachings about being a
Pilegesh. I personally would not want to utilize some of their ideas. I want
a Pilegesh family to act like a very conservative family that will try to
avoid anything that could somehow be construed as too liberal for people
making a family.
Originally, I thought
that a person who chooses Pilegesh must tell me that they are not confident
that they could keep the laws of Kiddushin, which means essentially to give
up one’s hopes for a normal marriage if the marriage sours and the husband
won’t give a GET willingly. But if there is any doubt in the person if they
would last a lifetime with no happiness in the marriage, then I would accept
them as Pilegesh. And furthermore, if the person would tell me that if they
take Kiddushin they feel they could give up their lives, but they nonetheless
fear that maybe, if certain rabbis tell them to force a GET maybe they will
listen and make a GET that is invalid and maybe make mamzerim, if they fear
this, I would also give them Pilegesh. That is how I once thought. But today,
when I see the great decline in the rabbis and how they encourage things that
are plainly forbidden by the Torah, I see that encouraging Pilegesh must be
done even for somebody who won’t fear Kiddushin. Why? Because I fear it. And
daily, things get worse out there with the rabbis. Very recently a prominent
Rov called me from a far-off country about people in his area who are
marrying women without a GET. The same thing was publicized in the name of a
senior rabbi in a European country. It just keeps getting worse, HaShem
Yerachem. So I feel that marrying with Pilegesh takes off a lot of fear and
makes a lot of sense.
Anyone who wants to marry
with Pilegesh would have to be trained in the laws of Pilegesh and how to
behave properly. They must know the difficulties, such as what happens if the
local Mikva doesn’t want to permit a Pilegesh to come there. I am not sure it
won’t happen. At any rate, we must anticipate all of the potential problems
and hopefully find solutions for them, before they marry as Pilegesh.
Ideally, if I was
accepting people to become Pilegesh, I would prefer that several people, let
us say me and two others who understand people, and the three of us would
talk to the people involved and make sure that they are emotionally and mentally
ready for Pilegesh. We would also have to find people who can do the
detective work necessary to find out whatever we have to find out about the
couple involved. Were they married before with Kiddushin? Did they have a
kosher GET? Do they plan after their Pilegesh marriage to live in a
neighborhood where Orthodox Jews live? This is a problem because these
Orthodox Jews may assume that they are married with Kiddushin. To avoid such
a problem the rabbi who takes care of the Pilegesh family would want to notify
the rabbis in the community that this family is Pilegesh. And we would want
to establish classes for them in laws of Nida, kashruse, Shabbos, etc.
Marrying with Pilegesh doesn’t exempt a person from keeping the Torah.
Making classes and having
a Mikva could run into money, and when the first few people become Pilegesh
in a community it may not be practical to have to spend a lot of money. We
can, however, only do what we can. And if we can find some people who realize
the crucial need for Pilegesh, we may succeed. The difference between
Pilegesh and Kiddushin is the difference between mamzerim and kosher Jews.
Isn’t that worth something?
[3] Rashi and the Zohar are as stated before to
make the wife rejoice, not himself. Rashi
notes that ViSeemach [Seemach with a chirik] ess eeshto is translated “and he
will make his wife rejoice” not himself. However, if the phrase would be “and
he will rejoice with his wife” it should say, “Visomach [somach with a
komets] ess eeshto” meaning, he will rejoice with his wife meaning both together.
The problem is that the Targum Yonoson translates, “and he will rejoice with
his wife.” The gemora in Succa
28A says that Hillel had eighty students and that the greatest student was
Yonasan ben Uziel and the most minor of the students was Yochanan ben
Zackai. Yochanan mastered the Torah as mentioned there, but Yonasan was
greater. When he taught Torah, a bird that flew over him was burned by the
fire of his learning. See Tosfose there. Perhaps we can refer to the gemora
above that one should love his wife like himself and honor her more than
himself. Perhaps if we refer to one’s love for his wife it should be equal,
but he honors her more than himself. Thus when referring to love it is equal
as he loves her as he loves himself. But when it comes to honor, he honors
her above himself. Rashi thus can be talking about honoring the wife where he
honors her more than himself. But Yonasan is talking about love, that they
love equally.
1) a
women who had a kosher divorce and remarried a second husband with a pe
marriage
be allowed to remarry her first husband if the second one died (or
"divorced") her?
Questions about the Laws of Pilegesh from Deena Tova
Questions;
1) A woman who (married with Kiddushin) had a (Kosher GET) divorce and remarried a second husband with a pilegesh marriage. Is she allowed to remarry her first husband if the second one died (or "divorced") her?
Dovid
Eidensohn – A Kiddushin married and divorced woman who then marries again
somebody else with Kiddushin and gets a GET may not return to her first
Kiddushin husband. This is a specific law for a woman who married twice with
Kiddushin, but if she married once with Kiddushin and then with zenuce or
Pilegesh, she may go back to her first husband. Here are some sources of
these laws.
See
Even Hoezer 10:1 in Ramo and Bahare Haiteev 2: A Pilegesh leaves her husband
and marries with Kiddushin, is divorced and then returns to husband. This is
permitted. See there Even Hoezer 10:1 – A woman is married with Kiddushin, is
divorced, and then is mezaneh. She may return to her husband. But if she
marries a second husband with Kiddushin, she is forbidden to return to the
first Kedushin husband. Beis Shmuel explains that the Torah forbids a woman
who was divorced from her husband after Kiddushin, and then married a second
husband with Kiddushin and got a divorce from him, to return to the first
Kiddushin husband. But if she had Kiddushin and a GET and was mezaneh she may
return to the first husband. The reason is that the sin to return to the first
husband if the wife was married twice with Kiddushin is because she had two
Kiddushin husbands. After the second husband’s GET she may not return to the
first Kiddushin husband. But this is only forbidden if there were two cases
of Kiddushin. But if the first husband was zenuse and the second husband was
Kiddushin who gave her a GET, she may return to her second or Kiddushin
husband. The question is, what if there was Kiddushin and Pilegesh and then
she wants to go back to the husband? Pilegesh is not Kiddushin, but it is a
real marriage, otherwise, it would be zenuse. But the Bahare Hayteev there
says that if there was first Pilegesh and then Kiddushin and then a GET from
Kiddushin, she may return to the Pilegesh husband. In other words, Pilegesh
and zenuse are the same, even though Pilegesh is a real marriage, it is not
Kiddushin, and והלכה והיתה לאיש אחר
means only two husbands equal with Kiddushin, but not if the first one was
Pilegesh. It would seem likely that if the second husband was Pilegesh and
the first husband was Kiddushin, that she may also return to the husband,
because there was no והלכה והיתה לאיש אחר
meaning the second husband was the same as the first husband, both had
Kiddushin but if one was kiddushin and the other zenuse or Pilegesh she may
return to her other husband. Again, probably as long as both husbands were
not kiddushin but zenuse or Pilegesh, she may return to either husband she
happens to be divorced from or removed from. It would seem from the Beis
Shmuel and the Bahare Hayteev that as long as there are not two husbands with
Kiddushin she may go back to the Kiddushin husband. וצ"ע. See also Pischei Teshuva #1 there in the
case where a Kiddushin husband gave his wife a GET posul dirabonon. She was
then mezaneh. May she return to her husband who gave her the GET posul? He
quotes it seems Birkei Yosef that she may return to him.
2) Would a kohen who married using a pilegesh marriage be allowed to stay with his wife if she was lo alanu raped.
Dovid Eidensohn – This is an interesting question.
First, see Even Hoezer 6:10 – If the wife of a Kohen who is married to him
with Kiddushin is slept with even if it was forced she is forbidden to her
husband the Kohen. See Beis Shmuel there 22 that the wife is forbidden to her
Kohen husband because she is a zona. Thus, even if the rapist was a Yisroel
or a gentile the wife becomes a zona because we rule that anyone who is
forbidden to marry the woman and sleeps with her in sin whether willingly or
forced she becomes a zona and is forbidden to a Kohen. Thus, we have a source
to forbid the wife of a Cohen who was raped if she was married with
Kiddushin. The question is if that holds true even if she is Pilegesh. And
this question suggests another question. If a Pilegesh wife is raped, does
she become a zonah and is she forbidden to her husband the Cohen?
If Pilegesh is a marriage even if it has less
strict laws than Kiddushin, it is still a marriage. And if it is a real Torah
recognized marriage (see Sanhedrin 21A and the Gro in the beginning of the
laws of Kiddushin in Shulchan Aruch) and if the woman would sleep with
another man during her marriage of Pilegesh she would violate Pilegesh
marriage even in rape, and become a zonah. If so, she is forbidden to her
Kohen husband. But if a raped Pilegesh woman would not become a zona despite
the fact that her Pilegesh marriage is a real marriage, because the status of
zona does not, for any reason, apply to a Pilegesh as it applies to Kiddushin
marriages, then we have a question.
3) Would
the children of a pilegesh marriage of the father being a kohen be considered
kosher kohanim? Dovid Eidensohn – Yes, see Even Hoezer 3:9 that if ten
Cohanim stand together and one steps out and sleeps with somebody and has a
baby boy, that boy is a Cohen. However, even one who is really a Cohen, if he
was born with zenuse, and we are not really sure who the father is, even
though we know he was a Cohen, we silence the child when he wants to publicly
perform as a Cohen. It would, however, seem that if we know who the father
is, such as if people are married properly with Pilegesh, there is no problem
as we know who the father is. וצ"ע.
4) Would a man be allowed to marry more than one wife with a pilegesh marriage? Dovid Eidensohn – See Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 1:10 that Rabbeinu Gershom forbade a man to take two wives. However, the Shulchan Aruch says that this lasted only to the end of the fifth thousand years of world history, which is about 777 years ago. However, the Shulchan Aruch quotes most communities who have on their own established a sin of marrying two wives. See Even Hoezer 1:10 in Ramo and 1:11. Whether these communities made Pilegesh with two wives a sin has nothing to do with anyone other than those communities who made rules for themselves. Rav Yaacov Emden seems to permit marrying in Pilegesh two wives, but only for very urgent reasons, such as when the first wife cannot have children and the husband has a choice of divorcing his wife of many years or marrying Pilegesh. I personally feel that Pilegesh is such a revolutionary thing in most people’s eyes that to start with two wives might destroy Pilegesh. But I do not say that as a general rule, but as a preference in the difficult effort to get people, anybody, interested in marrying with Pilegesh. Once we start permitting strange habits such as having two wives, we threaten the success of Pilegesh so I would prefer not to encourage such things, although some people have sources and rabbis who permit it. 5) Would a women who married by pilegesh marriage and "divorced" be allowed to marry a kohen? Dovid Eidensohn – There is no “divorce” in Pilegesh, so the question is only if somebody wrote a document of divorce on his own and gave it to a Pilegesh. It has no religious value, and is surely not considered to be a real “GET” which only is given for Kiddushin. However, there are habits among Kohanim to be overly strict and so such a question must be asked of somebody who knows all of the extreme positions of Cohanim especially as it applies to a specific Kohen.
6) Why would there be a problem
about a lady going to a regular mikvah? Who has to know if it is a marriage by
kiddushin or by pilegesh marriage?
Dovid Eidensohn – You are
completely right. But people who run the Mikva can have standards that they
invent and these things do happen. The fact is that a lot of people are very
nervous about the concept of Pilegesh which they think is some kind of bad
thing, because they don’t know what Pilegesh is. But it is in the Shulchan
Aruch and there the Vilna Gaon Even Hoezer 26:1 quotes a gemora in Sanhedrin
21A that obviously accepts Pilegesh and the Shulchan Aruch talks there about
Pilegesh, so it does exist.
7) Would this solve problems if
a husband dies but it can't be proven, or he disappears, that the wife could
somehow get remarried? Dovid Eidensohn – Yes. Kiddushin requires the husband
to give the woman a GET or die. But if nobody knows if the husband is alive
or dead and nobody knows where the husband is, the wife is stuck. But
Pilegesh ladies and men are never stuck. They simply tell the other spouse
they are leaving and the marriage is over, just like that. Of course, if I
had to deal with an actual parting of the ways, I might prefer to have
something in writing and by a Beth Din.
8) Would this mean that the wife’s earning in a pilegesh marriage belongs to her?
Dovid
Eidensohn – I know of a Pilegesh couple who sit down every year and write up
the rules for their marriage. That makes a lot of sense. Kiddushin assigns
great powers to the husband who has “acquired” the wife. This does not exist
in Pilegesh. There the ideal is for the two spouses to sit down regularly and
decide how to run their lives financially and other such matters.
We have two major poskim who strongly suggest
marrying with Pilegesh. One is the Ramban and the other is Reb Yaacov Emden,
son of the Chacham Tsvi. The Ramban states clearly that Pilegesh is
permitted, period. He even claims that the Rambam agreed with him if the
marriage was real and not zenuse. The
other person is Reb Yaacov Emden, who is very strong about encouraging
Pilegesh, but for different reasons. He maintains that many people need the
freedom to marry a Pilegesh, because Pilegesh can save many people from sins
and problems.
My great fear today of women stuck in marriages
done with Kiddushin is rooted in the reality that today many “rabbis” are
encouraging many women to remarry without a kosher GET and thus have children
who are mamzerim. The count of mamzerim is going to rise more and more and
the only hope is Pilegesh. Pilegesh is the only way to solve the problem of
making mamzerim with invalid Gittin. Unless the husband dies!
Of course, the RCA and other Modern Orthodox rabbis
came out with a prenup but many people feel that the prenup is an invalid
document that will make mamzerim. Senior rabbis in Israel feel that the RCA
prenup and other such prenups will greatly damage Judaism and make mamzeirm.
My great fear today of women stuck in marriages
done with Kiddushin is rooted in the reality that today’s rabbi in general are very weak on
knowing the laws of Gittin. Thus, they are encouraging many women to remarry
without a kosher GET and thus have children who are mamzerim. The count of
mamzerim is going to rise more and more and the only hope is Pilegesh.
Pilegesh is the only way to solve the problem of making mamzerim with invalid
Gittin. Unless the husband dies!
The
Opposition to Pilegesh
Kiddushin forces women to remain married with their husband
unless he gives her willingly a GET or dies. Some “rabbis” teach these
Kiddushin women to force a GET from their husbands. Such forced GETS are
invalid and children born from the next marriage will be mamzerim. Recently,
a new idea has been invented by “rabbis.” A woman just leaves her husband
with no GET. This is happening all over the world. The desperate situation of
some women trapped in a Kiddushin marriage is the catalyst for this violation
of the Torah. Yes, people want to violate the Torah in order to help
desperate women. But what about the fact that a woman who remarries with an
invalid GET, such as one forced on the husband, has no GET at all? Thus, her
children born from the next marriage will be mamzerim. Why don’t people worry
about the children/mamzerim? And is this a normal thing to do to destroy
children out of concern for their mother? Will the mother really be happy if
she had mamzerim children?
All of this is completely true. And yet, amazingly to me, there
is, among the senior ranks of our Torah scholars and experts in Gittin,
tremendous opposition to teaching women about Pilegesh. And yet, not only are
many senior rabbis teaching women to force a GET from their unwilling
husbands, but now the style has become to teach a woman to leave her husband
with no GET. Throughout the world, this is becoming the style. I know it
happened in America and there was a huge outcry. But it also happened
throughout the world. I received a call from the senior rabbi in a section of
Brazil about this, and at the same time, there were articles about a senior
French rabbi who permitted a woman with no GET to remarry without a GET at
all. So, I say, firmly, without Pilegesh we will have, in a short time, many
mamzerim. Now, who can tell me that Pilegesh is worse than mamzerim? And yet,
when I talk mamzerim, people are quiet. When I talk about Pilegesh these same
people hang up the phone, or ridicule me, and when I talk about mamzerim they
think it is funny. It isn’t funny. At least, the helpless mamzerim whose
children will be mamzerim with no cure forever, are not laughing now and will
never laugh. And the mother of this mamzer who learned from a “rabbi” to make
mamzerim, is she going to laugh when she hears her child’s bitter tears? Now
nobody will ever marry him, and he will be shunned more than a person with
leprosy. And these people I talk to are just full of fun. Why?
When I grew up, there were great Gedolim who had control of the
Torah community. Nobody would think of defying the great ones like Reb Moshe
Feinstein, Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev, Reb Aharon Kotler, and others who were
the mighty giants of that generation. In a world like that everyone married
with Kiddushin, and nobody said a thing about Pilegesh. Now, it did
occasionally happen that a rabbi here or there would see the misery of a
member of his shull and advise that the next marriage will not be Kiddushin,
because the woman has suffered enough. But after the senior rabbis would hear
the suffering of the woman in Kiddushin, and the local rabbi advised
Pilegesh, they said nothing. If a woman suffered so much from two bad
husbands, if she remarries with Kiddushin for a third time, it is quite
likely that she may just quit with the Torah chas viShalom. Why are things
today so different that “rabbis” begin hanging up the phone and saying the
worst things when I mention Pilegesh? The answer is, that today is different.
When Reb Moshe or Rav Elyashev or Reb Aharon had power in the community, the
occasional emergency to do Pilegesh would not get out of hand. But today
things are much different. Today there are no Reb Moshes or Reb Aharons or
Rav Elyashev. Let me tell a story I heard from a prominent Gittin posek.
This Posek held a certain way in a problem of Gittin, and he
wanted to solve it in his Beth Din, but it was something that required a
major Rov to agree to. He therefore went to a country that had a senior Rov who
was the accepted authority in that country. But the Rov refused to agree,
although he saw nothing wrong with the logic of the Rov who requested the
Rov’s backing. Finally, that Rov went to the senior Rov’s son. He asked why
his father who for many years did Pasken these questions regularly, refuses
to pasken now. Why?
The son replied, “When Rev Elyashev was alive, all Gittin
questions were brought to him by my father. Now he is not here, and nobody
took his place. My father cannot and never could assume responsibility to
pasken complicated Gittin laws. All he did was to ask the question to Reb
Elyashev, and Reb Elyashev is no longer with us.”
The poskim who snarled at me with tooth and nail about Pilegesh
were from the old school. They were raised in a time of great Gedolim, not a
time like today. Those great Gedolim are gone. Nobody has taken their place.
Today the major rabbis in the US and elsewhere are very, very different from
the past generation when I grew up, and when the rabbis who snarl at me grew
up. At that past time, the greats terrified the community so much that nobody
would imagine doing something with Pilegesh that is disruptive of the Torah
community. But today, this is no longer true. Now a person who makes Pilegesh
has nobody to control him, and people are terrified of the results. What
these people who mean leshaim shomayim to prevent at all costs Pilegesh don’t
realize that they are preventing Pilgesh, but their friends the rabbis who
make mamzerim are now free to make mamzerim, plenty of them. Now, somebody
has to get up and tell it like it is. There is nobody to control Kiddushin
ladies from making mamzerim. And the rabbis who encouraged making invalid
Gittin or leaving the husband with no GET at all, are free to do what they
want, as there is nobody to fear.
In such a world, my brother and I stood up years ago to fight the
“rabbis” who encourage forced Gittin, and we were, for a long time, the only
ones. Eventually I threatened senior rabbis, that if they do nothing to
attack Shmuel Kaminetsky who is making a woman leave her husband with no GET,
I will attack, not just Shmuel Kaminetsky, but the rabbis who are silent.
Then things started to pick up. Various prominent rabbis sent their protests
to my brother’s blog and it was eventually published elsewhere. And yet, that
woman encouraged by Shmuel Kaminetsky to remarry without a GET, is still
living with her new “husband” and nobody protests. In fact, when the
Philadelphia Yeshiva put out a journal celebrating a Kollel or something like
it, the two zonose in person bought an add and were published together in the
journal. This is the Yeshiva of Shmuel Kaminetsky. As for me, I will fight
for Pilegesh. There will be less mamzerim, and all of the prominent
authorities who insult me, hang up on me, and laugh at me, can hang up on me again
when I tell them about the latest mamzer. Because that is the halacha. When
we know that a mamzer is born in the community, we are obligated to publicize
it. But some authorities will just
say, well, it is not Pilgesh. Good for them. Let them explain in the other
world why they laughed at Pilegesh and ignored mamzerim. Will they laugh then
or be sent to a hot place?
|
|
|
|
|
Showing posts with label Kiddushin Makes Problems and Pilegesh Makes Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kiddushin Makes Problems and Pilegesh Makes Hope. Show all posts
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Problems with Kiddushin and Hope with Pilegesh
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)