PILEGESH - A SOLUTION ONLY FOR THOSE FORBIDDEN TO MAKE KIDDUSHIN

The problem

The problem is that Torah marriages fail and sometimes the husband will not give a GET. The wife then goes to people who force the husband to give a GET that is invalid, or else, the latest is that rabbis, some of them prominent people, declare that the marriage is over without a GET. This is mamzeruth.

Therefore, marriage today with kiddushin can create two things: One that the wife remarries without permission from the Torah and she is sinning with niuf, and secondly, if she has children, they can be mamzerim.

Another aspect of the problem is that some people fear to marry because they know that the divorce can destroy their lives and the lives of the children and make terrible disgrace and chilul HaShem. Some people fear because they themselves have divorced, and some people, even young ones, see what is going on and refuse to take a chance with marriage.

There are thus many singles of all ages today. And these singles live close to Gehenum. If they don’t date they suffer and if they do date they suffer. Many don’t keep basic halochose because of the biological stress. There is not proper kedusho in their lives. Some openly disregard negiah rachmono litslon. And how does it stop with that?

The Solution:

The people who can't do Kiddushin should not do Kiddushin.  If people know they can marry without kiddushin, and leave on their own schedule, it will solve a lot of problems. This is Pilegesh. One who is able should make kiddushin, not pilegesh. However, we maintain, that one who will not honor kiddushin, a woman who, if not given a GET, will find a “rabbi” to permit her to remarry either with an invalid GET coerced, or as is happening in Philadelphia, to just leave with no GET, then she should not take Kiddushin at all. And if she, or a man in a similar situation, fears to make Kiddushin lest he or she be stuck with years of aggravation until a HETER is found, and meanwhile lives in sin, such a person is a candidate for pilegesh.

As we describe in more detail later, marrying as Pilegesh could require a GET. Therefore, I suggest that if somebody cannot have Kiddushin because they won't honor it, and cannot be alone because of biological urges, such a person is a candidate for Pilegesh. But ordinary Pilegesh can perhaps require a GET. Therefore, it must be a marriage without Kiddushin and without any Torah requirement for a GET. This requires a proper Beth Din to decide.

Who Qualifies for Pilegesh

We repeat: Pilegesh is only available for someone who cannot commit to honoring kiddushin. This would probably include modern Orthodox people who are not careful about negiah, who will listen to their rabbis to do things that make invalid Gittin, or who will listen to rabbis who permit remarrying with no GET. Such people should never marry with Kiddushin, but only with pilegesh.

Again, we make it clear. If someone can honor Kiddushin, it is a sin for them to refuse Kiddushin and make pilegesh. Of course, sometimes a person is not sure about Kiddushin. Such a person must decide what to do, and should talk to us or somebody else about the proper course of action. I would prefer pilegesh to Kiddushin in such a case of doubt, but that is up to the person involved and whose who advise him.

What Will Happen Without People Doing Pilegesh?

What is happening now that there is no pilegesh? People are marrying with Kiddushin, and making invalid GETS or are leaving with no GET, or are going to a “Beth Din” that claims that if the husband refuses to issue a GET, it will issue it in the name of the husband, and pretend that the husband who refuses to give a GET and says that he does not want to give a GET is not telling the truth and the truth is that he wants it! And of course there is the old standby of Rackman who promised every lady her freedom when she wants it. He just blew away the marriage. And if the wife protests that she had children with the husband and if the marriage is gone retroactively the children are born out of wedlock. Rackman assured her that his piece of paper takes away the marriage only when issued, and before then she was completely married! What this means is that the Torah is mistaken in its attitude towards Gittin, and the modern rabbis must redo the mistakes of Moshe and the Talmud. It is pure apikorsus.

Thus, pilegesh is important because the generation, with all of the gender battles, is unable to tolerate the woman suffering in marriage more than the man. Pilegesh will allow the woman to leave when she wants. This will restrain the ardor of the modern rabbis to redesign the Torah with new levels of apikursus.

What is the Actual Act of Creating Pilegesh?

The actual act of creating pilegesh is a clear commitment on the part of the husband and wife of the following:

1.       They will live together as man and wife, but without kiddushin.

2.       They will sign a document signed by witnesses and preferably a Beth Din, that they commit themselves to a relationship without kiddushin.  And even though some may feel that people living as husband and wife automatically become Kiddushin marriage, because nobody wants to live without Kiddushin, and thus zenuse, the couple declares that it is not making kiddushin, but is doing what they are advised to do, to be without kiddushin, as pilegesh.

3.       The couple is to declare that even if one of them decided to have relations with the idea of making with it a Kiddushin, the other person would object, and there would be no kiddushin. But furthermore, each side commits to refrain from doing anything that could create kiddushin. And thus, the couple marries with pilegesh with the chazoko that they do not want kiddushin and should not be suspected of making kiddushin.

4.       Should people taking the path of pilegesh  inform others about it? Of course, the first couple to make pilegesh will probably not be prepared to announce such a thing. On the other hand, if we can publicize the importance of saving klal yisroel from becoming two nations, one considered by the other to be possible mamzerim, the idea of pilegesh will become accepted. And if nobody accepts it, I will publicly call for pilegesh, for the sake of klal yisroel, and for the sake of the people who should not sin by taking kiddushin.

5.       At this point, whereas people have not made pilegesh marriages for generations, we have to be careful and think how to prepare the pilegesh arrangement.Somehow we have to make the idea a solution for a Jewish people torn to pieces by Kiddushin. Those who can maintain Kiddushin should not take pilegesh, it is probably sinful to do so. But one who cannot take kiddushin has a sin for taking kiddushin, and such a person should prefer pilegesh.

6.       Kiddushin has many conditions, the consent of both parties, the action of the husband the consent of the wife, witnesses, etc. Pilegesh depends basically upon the intent of the two sides to enter into a marriage where they are loyal to each other and act as husband and wife. Once pilegesh smells like zenuse it is zenuse. But for a yiras shomayim who is terrified of kiddushin for good reasons, and who is terrified of the sins of the single scene, pilegesh is a holy thing.

7.       And for someone who can tolerate kiddushin, and decides to do pilegesh, that is a sin.

8.       We must emphasize this otherwise pilegesh becomes a destructive force, affecting the holy of holies, kiddushin.

Should We Publicize Pilegesh?

If we publicize and know about the divorces and the invalid divorces and the remarriages without the Torah’s permission and have no solution for it, why should we not publicize that there is hope for the poor suffering people who are trapped in singledom and sin regularly and who knows what sin they will do tomorrow?

We want to empahsize one thing: The laws of people marrying or having relations without kiddushin have, throughout th generations, been with various opinions. Some said that people living together are automatically married with Kiddushin, and others disagreed. Some said that secular marriage makes kiddushin and some disagree. Some feel that Pilegesh requries a GET, because the couple wants a Torah relationship. But our permission of using Pilegesh means a Pilegesh type of relationship with the condition that there is no kiddushin ever to come from it, and that a Beth Din before the Pilegesh type of relationship clearly clarifies that there will never be an obligation to give a GET when the relationship ends. There will never be mamzerim from it. Therefore, if a couple marries say with secular law, and clearly states that they want only a marriage of secular law and not kiddushin and not anything that would require a GET, we have at least established that the children are not mamzerim. Because it is harder to make a mamzer than to make a sin of adultery because a doubtful mamzer is permitted by the Torah and forbidden only by the rabbis But a question of a married woman if she is divorced is a very serious matter that must be considered forbidden. But if a Beth Din clarifies that the couple has clearly stated that they do not want any kind of marriage that demands a GET, and if there is a GET the marriage is a mistake and invalid, we have gained a lot. And since I, and not some major Rov, is saying this, there will hopefully be no uproar about it, because basically I am saving mamzerim. And again, anyone who can have Kiddushin and makes Pilegesh has a sin. And if somebody has Pilegesh and does not clarify clearly in a way satisfying to a proper Beth Din that the marriage does not require a GET, that surely is a sin.