Audio of telephone conference on a forced GET

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Audio of telephone conference on a forced GET




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Telephone Conference Shiur #5 - Beth Din Coerces a GET

Telephone Conference Shiur #5 -  Beth Din Coerces a GET

1.       Even Hoezer 77 paragraphs 2 and 3 make it clear that in general it is forbidden to coerce a husband to divorce his wife despite her demands and protests. And yet there are some times when a husband can be forced to divorce his wife, such as when it is forbidden to live with a relative see EH 154.

2.       Even Hoezer 1:3 should we force somebody over twenty years old to marry? Shulchan Aruch says yes and Ramo says the custom is not to force people in choosing a mate in marriage even if they are not doing the mitzvah properly. See the Gro there #9,#10 seems to approve of forcing people to fulfill the mitzvah not like the Ramo but like the Shulchan Aruch. Here forcing a mitzvah is permitted by some authorities, but forcing a GET is  in general not permitted.

3.       See Ramo in Shulchan Aruch EH I:10 a man marries two wives can we force him to divorce one. Two opinions in Ramo. Here two wives is a sinful marriage because of Cherem Rabbeinu Gershon not to marry two wives. And in a sinful marriage a divorce can be forced.

4.       When the Shulchan Aruch rarely approves of forcing a husband to give a GET, how does this work? Today there are no mumchim. See gemora Gittin 88b. See also Choshen Mishpot beginning of Simon 1 in Nesivose, Tumim, and Ketsose in Simon 3.

5.       Chazon Ish Gittin 99:2 when Beth Din mistakenly tells the husband he must give a GET and that is not the law, the GET is invalid for two reasons min haTorah. Thus a Beth Din has no power to force a GET when the Shulchan Aruch says the husband in that case cannot be forced. And if the Beth Din paskens without forcing the husband and the husband gives the GET the GET is invalid and the children are mamzerim diorayso.

6.        What  was the power of the Geonim to permit forcing a husband in defiance of the gemoras that clearly indicate that a husband in most cases cannot be forced to divorce? Tosfose Rid Gittin 89a based on gemora Bovo Basra מצוה לשמוע לדברי חכמים. What does this mean?

7.       See also Tosfose Kesubose 63b AVOL discussion at length about coercing a GET.

8.       Did the Geonim permit always to force a GET when the wife demands it, or was this a temporary ruling that is not applicable today? A machlokess HaRishonim in this see Ramban and Baal HaMoor on the Rif Kesubose 63b.

9.       What is the authority of a Rov or a Beth Din to teach people the halacha and to insist that they obey? See Rashbo in Teshuva I:253.

Book Secret of the Cherubin first 3 chapters

Book on Cherubin

Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn

Secret of the Cherubin -  Chapter One

In the Holy Temple and the Tabernacle of Sinai there were various rooms and courtyards, some holier than others. The highest sanctity was in the inner sanctum, the Holy of Holies. In the Holy of Holies was the Holy Ark. Inside the Holy Ark were the Tablets Moses brought down from Mount Sinai and a Torah scroll. On top of the Holy Ark were decorative images of winged angels in the guise of a boy and girl, called the Cherubin.

The Ark contained a Torah scroll and the Tablets of Moses. Why did the Cherubin stand atop the Ark and its holy treasures?

The holy work Tano Divei Eliyohu or The Yeshiva of Eliyohu HaNovi begins with the idea that the Cherubin preceded all of the Creation of Genesis. It continues to say that Derech Erets, meaning proper character traits, precedes the Tree of Life and the Torah. This is essentially the famous saying, “Derech Erets precedes the Torah.” Derech Erets is how we relate to others and to ourselves, and how our personality and human processes operate. Thus, the Cherubin represented the purity of humanity ready to learn and obey the Torah. A Jew devoted to Torah but whose personality is flawed cannot achieve a proper level of Torah.

But there is another aspect of the Cherubin mentioned there. The book Tano Divei Eliyohu begins with “And He drove the man out” of the Garden of Eden after the sin of Adam and Eve. “And He established the Cherubin in front of the Garden of Eden” to prevent people from entering the Garden. With the Cherubin was “a sharply bladed sword that twisted.” Thus, the Cherubin are avenging angels.

The Cherubin are avenging angels who appear in the guise of children, a boy and a girl. This is amazing. Do children become avenging angels? But a purity of heart that merits a purity of Torah cannot tolerate evil. It struggles to maintain the purity of the Holy of Holies and whatever Torah level is has achieved. This battle is a constant and mighty battle, requiring great efforts and wisdom. Those who seek the Garden of Eden and higher holiness battle with an angelic evil force, the Satan, and inner biological and ego issues that require much planning and patience. The great rabbis warn us that if we seek to go too high we can fall. The weapon we use is a “blade of a twisting sword.” We must know when to go higher and when to accept our present level. To err is to be in danger. And we must constantly pray for divine assistance, because how can a mortal filled with evil forces succeed?

The highest level of Derech Erets is in proper and loving marital intimacy. Thus the Cherubin, representing Derech Erets, are boy and girl. This symbolizes marital relations, the highest level of Derech Erets, as a pure and innocent love.

The Torah and the Cherubin represent Torah and Derech Erets, or how to observe the Torah in human relations. But the Cherubin are more than simply the idea of relating to other people. The Cherubin represent the incredible concept of G‑d, alone in His Self, who sought to relate to others. We cannot approach the depth of this properly without the wisdom of G‑d which we lack. But we must appreciate it.

We must emulate G‑d. We must seek to relate to others. We must connect to others, and respect them, even if by so doing we may denigrate our own honor and glory. The world is filled with denial of the Truth and Torah. Yet it is G‑d's wish to make such a world in order that people can accept challenge and merit reward. Relating to others is more important than we can imagine. We, each of us, are more important than we can imagine. So we must remind ourselves of our importance, and yet, we must work on modesty. The sword is sharp but it turns and twists, up and down. Truly, life is a “ladder standing on the ground, and its top is in the heavens.” But if we don’t do things properly we can fall off of the ladder. And when we fall, the higher we were, the greater is the damage from the fall.

Thus, the Cherubin, boy and girl together, represent several important teachings. Through them we understand somewhat why HaShem created people. First of all, the Cherubin were innocent and pure, and therefore Cherubin in Aramaic, means “children.” Thus, we must strive for purity. Purity means many things, but it surely means we must relate to others without envy and hate. It is possible that relating to others without envy or hate is the hardest command in the Torah. The Second Temple was destroyed because of vain hatred.

Another lesson in the idea of Cherubin being “children” male and female is that Adam was created alone until he discovered, “it is not good for a man to be alone.” Then HaShem created Eve. Adam and Eve then had children and the world is their progeny. But marriage is a “twisting sword.” On the one hand marriage may be the highest level of humanity. It requires a supreme Derech Erets for two different people to marry. And the biological passions associated with childbirth threaten us constantly with evil thoughts that easily lead to sin. We are always struggling with these opposite poles of humanity. But the Cherubin, boy and girl, represent the idea that humans can struggle towards the ideal and the goal of purity in a world of the opposite. For this was a person created. And when a person tries to be pure, heavenly forces embrace and encourage him. If he fails and sin, evil forces embrace and destroy him.

The Holy of Holies teaches us that despite the evil in the world and in all of us, we must recall the possibility of the highest purity as indicated with the Cherubin astride the Ark.

Reb Yisroel Salanter founded the Musar Movement to emphasize Derech Erets and proper social and personal behavior. He said that it is easier to master the Talmud than to purify one bad character trait. Great is our burden. But the Torah and the heavenly realm are there to empower us to succeed.

King Saul, the tallest of the Jews in his time, was a mighty warrior and the king of Israel, the first king. And yet, we are told, “Saul was as a one year old child” in his purity. How could this be? Because the Cherubin teach us that life is to have temptations of ego and illicit desire and to fight them. Saul merited being as pure as a child without the hate and illicit desires that deprive people of holiness.

The great challenges of life are not in the Torah and its commands, because one twisted with hate will twist the Torah. One who has a pure heart and a pure mind and only such a person can learn Torah properly. Thus, Torah without Cherubin is a mortal danger. But when we seek Torah and Derech Erets, the Torah that we learn is pure.

The Zohar accepts that marriage and having children are done using the Evil Inclination within us. But it must be a servant and not the manager. As a servant, it creates lovely children with lofty souls. As a manager it destroys.

Thus, the Cherubin, boy and girl, represent human relations at its purest level. This includes marital relations that elevate a person as perhaps nothing else.

All of us outside of the Garden of Eden struggle to find goodness. But our world is saturated with biological and spiritual forces that threaten Torah values. When we struggle with darkness a light comes from the highest heavens to help us. The supreme achievement is to achieve purity similar to that of young children. This is the teaching of the Cherubin.

Chapter Two

Cherubins Stand on the Ark in the Temple

Why did the Cherubin stand on the Ark containing the Holy Torah and the Sacred Tablets? But Cherubins were baby-faced angels of kindness but could also be avenging angels. Anyone who entered the Holy of Holies and did not belong there would deal with the Cherubins. To know how to behave with kindness or attack requires a knowledge of Torah. Thus, the Cherubin stood upon the Torah to be guided.

It is very easy, and happens frequently, that somebody does something very wrong because he thinks  he is doing a good deed. This is especially prevalent in family as we will discuss.

Light and Darkness

 “And it was evening and it was morning, one day.” G‑d created the world with both light and darkness. The physical world has light and darkness, day and night. And the spiritual world has light and darkness, goodness and evil.

The physical world after sunset and before sunrise has periods of confusion. It is in between day and night but seems to be neither. This “between the sun’s rising or setting” has no clear status as day or night. The spiritual world also has light and obvious goodness, and it has darkness and obvious evil. It also has things that are confusing. We are not sure if it is good or bad, or both, or what.

Thus, the Cherubin, angels, stand on the Holy Ark in the Holy of Holies. Sometimes the Cherubin are as baby-faced loving children. And sometimes they are avenging angels. Rooted in Torah, the Cherubin know what to do, when do be kind and when destructive.

How do we apply this to our lives?

The Cherubin, boy and girl, represented purity in marriage, perhaps the greatest mortal level. Marriage is a very special and holy level, but it also requires elements that can go in the other direction. It is very difficult to know what to do, even to know what is right and what is wrong. Let us take some examples.

Much of marriage goes in opposite directions. For instance, Rambam tells  us that the husband must honor his wife more than himself, and that the wife must treat her husband as if he was a great officer. That is very nice. But what about when the husband feels that he is the one who makes Kiddush and learns Torah and explains halacha, not the wife. And what if the wife feels that she is the one who is entrusted with holding a baby until birth and raising it, while the husband is outside of the home, doing things that may be less important in the long run than creating good people.

What if the husband points out to his wife that he is the one who learns and teaches Torah. And the wife rejoins that the Zohar teaches that the first word in the Torah is בראשית whose letters are בית ראש meaning “the house is primary.” Who is right? Who is wrong?

In my work Secret of the Scale we talk about this at length, and we want to discuss these matters again and add some more material. But our point here is simply that marriage is a time of confusion. And the Cherubin remind us that we must be rooted in Torah, “standing on the Ark” in order to proceed.

The Gaon Reb Shlomo Zalman Aurebach lost his wife in his old age. He came to the funeral and refused to ask his wife publicly for forgiveness. People came to him and questioned this. It is the Jewish custom to be forgiveness at that time. Reb Shlomo Zalman answered, “I never did anything to displease her. So why should I ask her forgiveness.” Here is a great Gaon and a great Tsadik. But to be married fifty years and never aggravate your wife? That is something special. It might also be very unusual.

The great conflict in marriage is not the conflict of Torah and the house. It is the conflict of two people who are very different in many ways. How can the live together for fifty years with never a wrong word? That is the power of Torah. And even those who do have Torah rarely achieve it. As Reb Yisroel Salanter said, “It is easier to master the Talmud than to master one bad character trait.”

One thing I learn from the Cherubin is that to stand astride the Ark and do the right thing you have to be an angel. What does that do for me? I don’t know if it does anything for me. But it does tell me to get to work. And “one who comes to purify himself merits heavenly help.” Yes, there is heavenly help. And yes, there are angels. And we need help constantly.

But I have a more practical path. We will discuss this in chapter Three. It is called, “Shalom Bayis Beth Din,” an idea approved by Gedolei HaDor that could really make a dent in the broken marriages we see today.

Chapter Three - Shalom Bayis Beth Din

The Gaon Rav Mayer Mintz zt”l once told me the following. A Jew did such a terrible sin that nobody ever heard of a Jew doing such a thing. They went to a rabbi who told them, “I don’t know why the Jew did such a thing, but this I know. He did it to serve HaShem.” That is, we are limited in our evil-doing when we know we are doing wrong. Perhaps we were overwhelmed by anger or desire and do something we know is wrong. But if we know it is wrong, we have to limit the scope of the evil. If, however, we are convinced that the evil deed is not evil but a good deed, a mitzvah, why should we refrain from doing it completely?

We have in family the best and the worst. The best is when people marry and try their best to succeed. But as time goes on, and the problems multiply, there may be a different atmosphere in the home. Eventually, somebody says something and the other spouse is very offended. Words are exchanged. A coldness pervades the home. Relatives sense it and are told the complaints. From then, it is downhill. As the bitterness becomes public knowledge, certain types intervene and encourage the worst. And the worst does happen. Finally, somebody may want a divorce. And the other spouse refuses. This leads to war. Hate and destruction rain down on the house and the children and cause terrible pain to the couple. It may never end and it may constantly get worse and worse. Why? Because the warring people are sure that they are the righteous one, and the other one is the evil one. So why not destroy an evil person?

Enter Shalom Bayis Beth Din.

Shalom Bayis Beth Din is not a Beth Din to deal with divorce and giving a GET. Shalom Bayis Beth Din never deals with a GET as it is only there to assure Shalom Bayis. How does it work?

The task of Shalom Bayis Beth Din is one, to educate about how to behave in a marriage. This education can begin before the wedding, even long before it. I once told a prominent therapist that education for marriage should begin at the age of three, he countered that the latest scientific evidence is that the education should begin much earlier than that, before gestation! At any rate, the earlier the better.

Shalom Bayis Beth Din is there to deal with any arguments or differences of opinion in the marriage, to extinguish the sparks of war before they really ignite. How is this done?

First of all, Shalom Bayis Beth very strongly urges a couple never to discuss their complaints with relatives and friends. Those personally inclined towards relatives and friends and can make a bad marriage worse. We even have idealistic people who seek opportunities to “enlighten” married people about the “benefit” of a war against the other spouse.

Secondly, when told of a complaint, Shalom Bayis Beth Din listens carefully, but deals with the complaint to limit it so that it doesn’t become the great excuse to make war and hideous horrors in the house.

Third of all, when it seems that somebody wants a divorce, we follow the advice of the great Gaon and expert in personal matters, Rebbe Yaacov Kaminetsky, who told a Rov: “Ask her if her husband would be good enough for a zivuge shaynee.”

Until now Shalom Bayis Beth Din is only voluntary. But if the family has no great worry about disobeying the Shalom Bayis Beth Din, there are times when the pain and passion overcome all reason. Therefore, the couple when it approaches Shalom Bayis Beth Din, is given an option of pledging in writing, in a document valid in American law, that the couple will obey the ruling of the Shalom Bayis Beth Din not to do this or to do that. And if they Beth Din is not obeyed, the Beth Din has a right to fine the spouse who defies it.

In such a situation, if the spouse continues, say, to beat his wife, and the fines multiply, the person may realize that he cannot control himself (which is common) and he realizes that he will lose a lot of money, because the Beth Din has a legal document that requires the fine to be paid. At that point, he may decide to agree on a GET, to save himself the fines. This is not a GET Meuoso, a forced GET. I have discussed this with great authorities. The fine is not to give as GET. The opposite is true. The fine is to make Shalom Bayis and sustain the marriage. But the only escape for one who cannot control himself is a GET. This hopefully will limit the amount of women who are refused a GET.

A prominent Gaon of the past generation told me that he never saw a husband who beat his wife stop beating his wife. He said it is a sickness. If so, the fine could convince the husband to divorce. But this is not the purpose of the Beth Din nor does it want to deal with divorces. Better that another Beth Din deal with divorce. But if there is nobody else to take care of it, someone worthy will decide whether the Shalom Bayis Beth Din should get involved with a GET. But again, the Shalom Bayis Beth Din is only there to make Shalom Bayis and does not talk about GET in any way to encourage it. Of course, it could mention that if the fights keep getting worse every day that who knows, it may end up a divorce. But the Beth Din does not in any way shape or form encourage a GET. If the husband or wife want a GET, again, it is better that another Beth Din deal with it. And if only the Beth Din should be able to succeed with the GET, a worthy person must decide what to do.

An important part of Shalom Bayis Din’s activities is teaching about intimacy. There are hideous problems from marriages that are destroyed by frumkeit regarding intimacy. There are unbelievable sins when there is not a happy functioning intimacy in the house. We hope to discuss this in more detail later on.

A man had been fighting terribly with his wife and were separated many years without a GET. I read him a few lines in the Shulchan Aruch. He jumped up and said, “I need a wife.” If people could read the Shulchan Aruch, if they realized the true halacha of how to behave in marriage, so many marriages would succeed. But today, there is great ignorance across the board about the laws of marriage and divorce.

The Cherubin stand asride the Torah, because everything depends on the halacha. Every marriage should also stand astride the Shulchan Aruch, because only when people know the halacha and obey it can we really hope for a successful marriage.

Shalom Bayis Beth Din is a project of the Jewish Outreach Congregation, which is heavily involved in education about marriage and divorce. We will deal with this in the coming chapter, Chapter Four Teaching the Laws of Marriage, Family and Divorce.

Chapter Four – Laws of Marriage, Family and Divorce

We have mentioned above that the Cherubin had faces of children, to symbolize purity. They were boy and girl to indicate the holiness of marriage and family. And they stood astride the Holy Ark with the Torah of Moshe inside along with the Tablets from HaShem and Sinai, to show that we must root ourselves always in halacha as taught in the Torah. When people know the laws of marriage, family and divorce, there is hope. When people don’t know the laws of marriage, family and divorce, there are problems.

Today there are terrible problems. Jewish Outreach Congregation has been working hard the past years to rectify the terrible ignorance about these sacred laws. I spoke at length to the posek hador HaGaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev of Jerusalem zt”l about these problems, and he encouraged me to struggle against the ignorance and worse that is going on today. (not completed)

Secret of the Cherubin - Chapter Two

Secret of the Cherubin

Chapter Two

Cherubins Stand on the Ark in the Temple

Why did the Cherubin stand on the Ark containing the Holy Torah and the Sacred Tablets? But to be an angel, to be a pure Cherubin, one must be strongly supported by a true understanding of Torah. It is very easy, and happens frequently, that somebody does something very wrong because he thinks  he is doing a good deed. This is especially prevalent in family.

Light and Darkness

 “And it was evening and it was morning, one day.” G‑d created the world with both light and darkness. The physical world has light and darkness, day and night. And the spiritual world has light and darkness, goodness and evil.

The physical world after sunset and before sunrise has periods of confusion. It is in between day and night but seems to be neither. This “between the sun’s rising or setting” has no clear status as day or night. The spiritual world also has light and obvious goodness, and it has darkness and obvious evil. It also has things that are confusing. We are not sure if it is good or bad, or both, or what.

Thus, the Cherubin, angels, stand on the Holy Ark in the Holy of Holies. Sometimes the Cherubin are as baby-faced loving children. And sometimes they are avenging angels. Rooted in Torah, the Cherubin know what to do, when to be kind and when destructive.

How do we apply this to our lives?

The Cherubin, boy and girl, represented purity in marriage, perhaps the greatest mortal level. Marriage is a very special and holy level, but it also requires elements that can go in the other directions. It is very difficult to know what to do, even to know what is right and what is wrong. Let us take some examples.

Much of marriage goes in opposite directions. For instance, Rambam tells  us that the husband must honor his wife more than himself, and that the wife must treat her husband as if he was a great officer. That is very nice. But what about when the husband feels that he is the one who makes Kiddush and learns Torah and explains halacha, not the wife. And what if the wife feels that she is the one who is entrusted with holding a baby until birth and raising it, while the husband is outside of the home, doing things that may be less important in the long run than creating good people.

What if the husband points out to his wife that he is the one who learns and teaches Torah. And the wife rejoins that the Zohar teaches that the first word in the Torah is בראשית whose letters are בית ראש meaning “the house is primary.” Who is right? Who is wrong?

In my work Secret of the Scale we talk about this at length, and we want to discuss these matters again and add some more material. But our point here is simply that marriage is a time of confusion. And the Cherubin remind us that we must be rooted in Torah, “standing on the Ark” in order to proceed.

The Gaon Reb Shlomo Zalman Aurebach lost his wife in his old age. He came to the funeral and refused to ask his wife publicly for forgiveness. People came to him and questioned this. It is the Jewish custom to beg forgiveness at that time. Reb Shlomo Zalman answered, “I never did anything to displease her. So why should I ask her forgiveness.” Here is a great Gaon and a great Tsadik. But to be married fifty years and never aggravate your wife? That is something special. It might also be very unusual.

The great conflict in marriage is not the conflict of Torah and the house. It is the conflict of two people who are very different in many ways. How can they live together for fifty years with never a wrong word? That is the power of Torah. And even those who do have Torah rarely achieve it. As Reb Yisroel Salanter said, “It is easier to master the Talmud than to master one bad character trait.”

One thing I learn from the Cherubin is that to stand astride the Ark and do the right thing you have to be an angel. What does that do for me? I don’t know if it does anything for me. But it does tell me to get to work. And “one who comes to purify himself merits heavenly help.” Yes, there is heavenly help. And yes, there are angels. And we need help constantly.

But I have a more practical path. We will discuss this in chapter Three. It is called, “Shalom Bayis Beth Din,” an idea approved by Gedolei HaDor that could really make a dent in the broken marriages we see today.

Secret of the Cherubin - Chapter One

Secret of The Cherubin

Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn

In the Holy Temple and the Tabernacle of Sinai there were various rooms and courtyards, some holier than others. The highest sanctity was in the inner sanctum, the Holy of Holies. In the Holy of Holies was the Holy Ark. Inside the Holy Ark were the Tablets Moses brought down from Mount Sinai and a Torah scroll. On top of the Holy Ark were decorative images of winged angels in the guise of a boy and girl, called the Cherubin.

The Ark contained a Torah scroll and the Tablets of Moses. Why did the Cherubin stand atop the Ark and its holy treasures?

The holy work Tano Divei Eliyohu or The Yeshiva of Eliyohu HaNovi begins with the idea that the Cherubin preceded all of the Creation of Genesis. It continues to say that Derech Erets, meaning proper character traits, precedes the Tree of Life and the Torah. This is essentially the famous saying, “Derech Erets precedes the Torah.” Derech Erets is how we relate to others and to ourselves, and how our personality and human processes operate. Thus, the Cherubin represented the purity of humanity ready to learn and obey the Torah. A Jew devoted to Torah but whose personality is flawed cannot achieve a proper level of Torah.

But there is another aspect of the Cherubin mentioned there. The book Tano Divei Eliyohu begins with “And He drove the man out” of the Garden of Eden after the sin of Adam and Eve. “And He established the Cherubin in front of the Garden of Eden” to prevent people from entering the Garden. With the Cherubin was “a sharply bladed sword that twisted.” Thus, the Cherubin are avenging angels.

The Cherubin are avenging angels who appear in the guise of children, a boy and a girl. This is amazing. Do children become avenging angels? But a purity of heart that merits a purity of Torah cannot tolerate evil. It struggles to maintain the purity of the Holy of Holies and whatever Torah level is has achieved. This battle is a constant and mighty battle, requiring great efforts and wisdom. Those who seek the Garden of Eden and higher holiness battle with an angelic evil force, the Satan, and inner biological and ego issues that require much planning and patience. The great rabbis warn us that if we seek to go too high we can fall. The weapon we use is a “blade of a twisting sword.” We must know when to go higher and when to accept our present level. To err is to be in danger. And we must constantly pray for divine assistance, because how can a mortal filled with evil forces succeed?

The highest level of Derech Erets is in proper and loving marital intimacy. Thus the Cherubin, representing Derech Erets, are boy and girl. This symbolizes marital relations, the highest level of Derech Erets, as a pure and innocent love.

The Torah and the Cherubin represent Torah and Derech Erets, or how to observe the Torah in human relations. But the Cherubin are more than simply the idea of relating to other people. The Cherubin represent the incredible concept of G‑d, alone in His Self, who sought to relate to others. We cannot approach the depth of this properly without the wisdom of G‑d which we lack. But we must appreciate it.

We must emulate G‑d. We must seek to relate to others. We must connect to others, and respect them, even if by so doing we may denigrate our own honor and glory. The world is filled with denial of the Truth and Torah. Yet it is G‑d's wish to make such a world in order that people can accept challenge and merit reward. Relating to others is more important than we can imagine. We, each of us, are more important than we can imagine. So we must remind ourselves of our importance, and yet, we must work on modesty. The sword is sharp but it turns and twists, up and down. Truly, life is a “ladder standing on the ground, and its top is in the heavens.” But if we don’t do things properly we can fall off of the ladder. And when we fall, the higher we were, the greater is the damage from the fall.

Thus, the Cherubin, boy and girl together, represent several important teachings. Through them we understand somewhat why HaShem created people. First of all, the Cherubin were innocent and pure, and therefore Cherubin in Aramaic, means “children.” Thus, we must strive for purity. Purity means many things, but it surely means we must relate to others without envy and hate. It is possible that relating to others without envy or hate is the hardest command in the Torah. The Second Temple was destroyed because of vain hatred.

Another lesson in the idea of Cherubin being “children” male and female is that Adam was created alone until he discovered, “it is not good for a man to be alone.” Then HaShem created Eve. Adam and Eve then had children and the world is their progeny. But marriage is a “twisting sword.” On the one hand marriage may be the highest level of humanity. It requires a supreme Derech Erets for two different people to marry. And the biological passions associated with childbirth threaten us constantly with evil thoughts that easily lead to sin. We are always struggling with these opposite poles of humanity. But the Cherubin, boy and girl, represent the idea that humans can struggle towards the ideal and the goal of purity in a world of the opposite. For this was a person created. And when a person tries to be pure, heavenly forces embrace and encourage him. If he fails and sin, evil forces embrace and destroy him.

The Holy of Holies teaches us that despite the evil in the world and in all of us, we must recall the possibility of the highest purity as indicated with the Cherubin astride the Ark.

Reb Yisroel Salanter founded the Musar Movement to emphasize Derech Erets and proper social and personal behavior. He said that it is easier to master the Talmud than to purify one bad character trait. Great is our burden. But the Torah and the heavenly realm are there to empower us to succeed.

King Saul, the tallest of the Jews in his time, was a mighty warrior and the king of Israel, the first king. And yet, we are told, “Saul was as a one year old child” in his purity. How could this be? Because the Cherubin teach us that life is to have temptations of ego and illicit desire and to fight them. Saul merited being as pure as a child without the hate and illicit desires that deprive people of holiness.

The great challenges of life are not in the Torah and its commands, because one twisted with hate will twist the Torah. One who has a pure heart and a pure mind and only such a person can learn Torah properly. Thus, Torah without Cherubin is a mortal danger. But when we seek Torah and Derech Erets, the Torah that we learn is pure.

The Zohar accepts that marriage and having children are done using the Evil Inclination within us. But it must be a servant and not the manager. As a servant, it creates lovely children with lofty souls. As a manager it destroys.

Thus, the Cherubin, boy and girl, represent human relations at its purest level. This includes marital relations that elevate a person as perhaps nothing else.

All of us outside of the Garden of Eden struggle to find goodness. But our world is saturated with biological and spiritual forces that threaten Torah values. When we struggle with darkness a light comes from the highest heavens to help us. The supreme achievement is to achieve purity similar to that of young children. This is the teaching of the Cherubin.

***

Kesubose - Problems and Solutions

A telephone conference lecture by Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn about the problems of a kesubo and solutions. The conference was recorded and placed on www.torahtimes.com , on the first window on the left of the first row of windows. Click here to hear the audio. 

This session was designed to teach important rules in paskening Torah questions.

Sessions like this one have been held weekly Wednesday night at 9:30 PM. We hope to continue. Next week we want to discuss about forced Gittin such as done in New York State in secular courts or by those who feel it is a mitsvah to force a GET to free a woman. Is she free or not? Again, we are going to teach about paskening and encourage people to challenge suppositions and learn new ways to look at shaalose.

Telephone conference #4 "Is Your Kesubo (Marriage) Kosher?"

Shiur 4 telephone conference – Is Your Kesubo (Marriage) Kosher?

9:30 Wednesday night April 22 -   call 605-562-3130 insert code 411161#

Why are there problems in writing a Kesubo? See Igeres Moshe Even Hoezer I:178, a problem with kesubose that do not have the family name of the husband and wife. That is one of the many problems. The other ones did not effect Reb Moshe perhaps, but they are all problems. See below.

To explain, a kesubo requires two things: One that the husband pledge money if he divorces his wife or dies, this is the money of the kesubo. Two, that the wife should know that she will get her money when divorced or widowed. If the wife is guaranteed of getting her money and yet the wife is not sure she will get it, the gemora calls this Bias Zenuse, a marriage which is prostitution. (Kesubose 82b and see Tosfose there d”h HOSOM. See also Kesubose 56b). See Kesubose 82b that many women refused to ever marry because they were not secure in getting their Kesubo money.Ssee Shulchan Aruch EH 66:9 about a woman who thought she would not get a Kesubo but was wrong because she was getting a Kesubo. If she stays with her husband thinking she had no Kesubo, "her marriage is zenuse."

Today, there are problems with many kesubose. One, as Reb Moshe discusses, is the problem that many people in the large cities share the same name. There are many people named Reuven son of Moshe or Leah daughter of Shimon. If so, the Kesubo when presented to the husband can be refused. He can say he is not the Reuven ben Shimon mentioned in the document. Now, even if the Beth Din can clarify that he is the husband mentioned in the Kesubo, since the wife has a Kesubo that is not necessarily kosher, she has no trust in it. Therefore, it could be that the Kesubo is invalid and the marriage is not covered by a Kesubo.

Reb Moshe presents a solution to this to write the family name. But let us say that the husband is Reuven ben Shimon Gold. In all of New York City there is likely another person with that name. If so, the Kesubo is not a guarantee of payment and there is a problem.

Now we get to another problem. What do we do about the Kesubo that offers the woman 200 Zuz? Nobody knows exactly what a zuz is. Rambam tells us the equivalent in silver but silver like goats has different value in different times and different places. How can the woman be secure in her money when she has no idea how much it is?

Then we have a major problem with writing the correct names. Today people have two or more names. This leads to great differences of opinion among major authorities how to write the Kesubo. A Kesubo is harder to write than a GET, because a GET is simply a document to do a mitzvah. The Kesubo is a monetary document that  is strong enough to force the husband to pay. If the Kesubo doesn’t force the husband to pay there are problems.

 Even in earlier generations where every city had experts in writing a GET on their Beth Din, many of these Beth Dins produced divorces found by Gedolei Hador to be invalid. If in a GET there are arguments, what about a Kesubo? And we know that today many who write Kesubose do not know the laws of Names. A major Rosh Yeshiva once asked me where the laws of Names are in the Shulchan Aruch.

Then there is a problem about writing two hundred zuz when it should be one hundred. We will explain that in the class.

So what do we do?

Tune in Wed at 9:30 and get a kosher kesubo for yourself and others.

Shalom,

Dovid Eidensohn

audio - Rambam on Having Children

This audio quotes Rambam in Yad HaChazoko about the greatness of having children, and each new child is a universe that must bring rejoicing to the parents. We need to find happiness in family because in marriage and raising children there are challenges.

Click on link to hear the audio file on www.torahtimes.com . The website features posts as windows line after line. The latest posts are on top and those on the left are the newest ones. The two audios about family are next to each other. One is the Four Ways of Saving a Marriage and the newer on on its left is Rambam on Having Children. Click the link below to go to the website.

Two audios Four Ways to Save a Marriage and Rambam on Children

click here.

Four Ways to Save a Marriage - audio link

Click here for AUDIO FILE 4 Ways to Save a Marriage

1. Saving marriage by thinking of the welfare of the children
2. Who is talking loshon hora about the rejected spouse?
3. What is felt to be a failure in the rejected spouse?
4. What does the Torah say?

The audios are on my website torahtimes.com, as blogspot takes videos but not audios.

There have already been lectures on telephone conference and this blog about Torah and family. Those interested in these telephone lectures and audio media should contact me at eidensohnd@gmail.com. Thank you.

שיעור הראשון בעניני הוראה על אבן העזר השיעור יהיה בטעלעפון ע' הפרטים למטה

דוד אליהו אידנסון  אסרו חג פסח תשע"ה 845-578-1917

הכנות לשיעור בהוראה על אבן העזר #1 יום רביעי 9:30 PM    כו' ניסן תשע"ה

To join the shiur call for free  Wed night 26 Nisan 5775 9:30 at 605-562-3130 and then enter code 

411161#. 

1.      שולחן ערוך אבן העזר סימן א' סעיף א' הש"ע והרמ"א. ויש לדייק למה בחר הש"ע להביא גמרא שענינו פרו ורבו ולא מדבר על עצם הנישואין שהוא חשוב. והרמ"א מביא בענין הנושא אשה שזה גורם לו כמה מעלות טובות. דהיינו שהוא משבח  הזיוג ולא הפרו ורבו. והאמת שהמצוה בתורה של פרו ורבו הוא כמו שכתב הבית יוסף. אבל הרמ"א בא להוסיף שגוף הנישואין הוא מהפך האדם מלמטה למעלה על פי גמרות מפורשת. והם ב' ענינים נפרדים.

2.       וע' רע"א שם השיטות בחיובי הנשים בעניני פרו ורבו. והבית שמואל שם ס"ק ב' אם האשה חייבת בשבת דהיינו מי שקיים פרו ורבו שיש לו בן ובת ויש עוד חיוב לאנשים לערב את תנח את ידך שהוא שבת למלאות העולם באנשים ויש שיטות אם האשה חייבת בשבת הגם שאינה חייבת בפרו ורבו.

3.      ע' רמב"ם אישות פרק טו' סעיף טז' חיובי האיש בפרו ורבו להקים בן ובת עוד יש מצוה דרבנן להוסיף עוד ועוד נשמות בהעולם שזה נקרא שבת, עוד יש איסור לישב בלא אשה שמא יבא לידי הירהור. ומסיק הרמב"ם ולא תשב אשה בלא איש שלא תחשד עכ"ל משמע שבאשה אין חיוב פרו ורבו ואין מצוה לשבת ואין איסור הרהור רק שיש חשד אם אין לה בעל שמא היא עושה עבירות. ולכאורה זה ראיה גדולה לשיטת הרמב"ם בזה והבית שמואל ורע"א שעוסקים בזה לא מביאים ראיה זו מן הרמב"ם שאין האשה חייבת בפרו ורבו ובשבת ובאיסור הירהור רק יש לחוש לחשד. וגם זה מוכח ברמב"ם גופא שתלוי באיזה אשה שיש אשה שרוצה אישות והיא חשודה ויש אשה שלא רוצה להנשא ואינה רוצה בכלל בענין זה כה"ג ליכא איסור ע' לקמן בזה.

4.      הרמב"ם שם כתב הטעם לשבת שמוסיף נפש אחת בעולם ומקשה הרמ"ך שבגמרא לא נותן טעם זה אלא הטעם שיש פסוק בבוקר זרע את זרעך ולערב את תנח ידך יבמות סב ע"ב כי לא תדע הזה יכשר דחייש למיתת הראשונים ונמצא שלא קיים מצוה והוא נתן בכאן טעם משום תוספת נפש אחת וצ"ע עכ"ל

5.      וי"ל שלטעם הגמרא היה אפשר להעלות על הדעת שהעיקר הוא בן או בת ואם ימותו יש ענין לערב אל תנח להשלים ההפסד. ובא הרמב"ם לומר שזה טעות. שבכל נפש יכול להיות עולם מלא ואפשר שהשלישי יהיה טוב מן הראשונים ולא סתם כדמשמע קצת בגמרא שלערב הוא להשלים הראשון אלא צריכים לשמוח בכל לידה כאילו הוא עולם מלא ולא רק שיש תשלומין להראשון. ובודאי הלימוד שצריכים שבת הוא מן הפסוק שצריכים להמשיך. ובודאי אם יתעצל האדם בזה אפשר לומר לו מי יודע אם יתקיימו הילדים שהולדת. אבל העיקר בפרו ורבו לא רק לצאת ידי חובתו בפרו ורבו או שבת אלא העיקר בפרו ורבו לשמוח מזה על כל ילד שמביא להעולם שהוא כעולם מלא. ולא רק שאם ימות הראשון יהיה זה. ונ"מ שידוע שצער גידול בנים ממית האדם ודוקא על ידי מה שכתב הרמב"ם שישמח האדם בילד שהוא עולם מלא אפשר לו לישא העול הכבד של הילד. שלכן מביא הרמב"ם חוץ מן הפסוק שהעיקר לא לשמוח שמא ימות הבן ויהיה זה תשלומין לו אלא צריכים לשמוח שזכה לעולם מלא אפילו אם יתקיים הראשון. ושמחה זו עיקר גדול באמונה בגדלות הנשמה.

6.      והנה פעם ישב ילד על הכסא של הרב של ירושלים הגאון רבי יוסף חיים זאנענפעלד זצ"ל ונכנס הרב ולא רצה להפריע הילד ואמר הלא הילד הזה יכול להשיג מדרגות מדרגות ואילו אני כבר זקנתי ואין לי היכולת של הילד להיות כך וכך. והוא ענוה ועדיין יש בו אמת שעל כל ילד ועל כל צעיר צריכים לחשוב שהעולם לפניו וכל אחד יכול להשיג צדקת משה רבינו וכו'.

7.      וע' ברע"א על הרמב"ם אישות פרק טו' סעיף טז' שמביא קושיא על הרמב"ם מדבריו באיסורי ביאה פרק כא' הלכה כו' ורשות לאשה שלא תנשא לעולם ע"כ ופה  אומר ולא תשב אשה בלא איש שלא תחשד ע"כ והתירוץ מביא רע"א בשם פוסק אחד שמיירי בעיר שכולם נשים או סריסרים. והוא דוחק גדול.

8.      ולענ"ד התירוץ הוא שאם האשה היא כאשה רגילה שפעם היה לה בעל או שהיא משתדלת להנשא בזה יודעים שיש לה חשש חשד אם לא תנשא שהיא רוצה בדברים אלה. אבל אם יש אשה שמואסת בכל הענין מהיזה טעם ויודעים שאפשר לה להנשא ודוקא לא רוצה בזה מאיזה טעם למה מעלים על הדעת חשד עליה שודאי אשה כזאת אין חשד שהכל יודעים שהיא לא רוצה דברים הללו. וכן יכול להיות שהתשמיש קשה להם או הלידה ובפרט אם יודעים מזה שכה"ג אין חשש חשד.

9.       

Shalom Bayis Program of Jewish Outreach Congregation

Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn/Shalom Bayis Beth Din of Jewish Outreach Congregation          

The General Idea of Shalom Bayis Beth Din

Shalom Bayis Beth Din is a program of education, guidance and Beth Din. Education means that preferably prior to marriage and even afterwards, Shalom Bayis Beth Din will teach people how to maintain a good marriage and avoid mistakes that destroy marriage.

Guidance means that when people are bogged down in disputes Shalom Bayis Beth Din will guide them on the proper path to find peace in their homes.

Beth Din means that when a couple accepts Shalom Bayis Beth Din as an authority on their marriage, Shalom Bayis Beth Din can demand that the family follows the right path in marriage and family. If the couple agrees, Shalom Bayis Beth Din can make demands about how the couple must behave, and Shalom Bayis Beth Din can fine those who violate their commands. Eventually, if a person violates regularly and is fined regularly, the fines will probably force an end to the process, which means that the violator will have to seek a divorce. This will lessen the process of making Agunose of broken families.

Gedolei HaDor have explained that there is no problem with coercing a GET because Shalom Bayis Beth Din never talks about a GET. It fines to force the marriage to survive. This is not a forced GET.

Learning Even Hoezer Rambam, Tur and Shulchan Aruch

Our project of learning Even Hoezer begins with Rambam Noshim, then Tur Even Hoezer, then Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer. Learn through without getting distracted until you are grounded well in the basic laws. The more you learn the more you will be aware of the various commentaries on the basic texts of Rambam, Tur and Shulchan Aruch. Next comes the deeper level of looking into the sources for these basic halochose in gemoras, rishonim and acharonim, each according to his ability and schedule. For those who are fully committed to become a master of these halochose and who will try for semicha, they will have a full schedule. This Wednesday August 15 9:30 PM we begin a shiur for advanced study of the texts. We begin with the first words of the Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer about the importance of marrying and having children. We will also delve into the Torah understanding of gender and the roles of men and women. We have extensive Kabbalistic material in this regard. I also have a book on the subject sold at Amazon Secret of the Scale. All are invited to this telephone class but it is a high level of learning. To join the freeconferencecall.com program dial first 605-562-3130 and then code 822322#.

Funding                                                                   

Jewish Outreach Congregation accepts funds for this project. We have various blogspots and a website: torahhalacha.blogspot.com, our main project; torahmarriage.com.blogspot.com, videos; www.torahtimes.com, website with audio cassettes and regular text. Our book on gender is Secret of the Scale available at Amazon. We now need to establish more media and public programs to offset the enormous problem of invalid Gittin caused by forced divorces, such as in New York State where judges can jail a husband and take away custody for not giving a GET. Such a GET is invalid and the children born from it could be mamzerim. We have a lot of work to do, and need funding.

Please click on the above paypal button that will allow you to contribute to our Jewish Outreach Congregation and support this work. Thank you. Dovid Eidensohn

Telephone Shiur #3 - How to Save Marriages

We present here various tips on saving marriages, children and family.

1.       Saving Marriages by Thinking of the Welfare of the Children

2.       Who is talking loshon hora about the spouse who is being rejected?

3.       What does the dissatisfied spouse believe is the proper role and position of the rejected spouse? What is the failure of the rejected spouse?

4.       What Does the Torah Say about the problems in the marriage?

please  Click here to Contribute

Saving Marriages by Thinking of the Welfare of the Children

1.       We have in the past years, in various media and publications, taught the public the laws of family, marriage and divorce. We emphasize that a coerced GET can usually be invalid, and if the woman remarries with an invalid GET, her children are probably mamzerim.

2.     

  The gemora says that Beth Din is the Father of Orphans. What greater orphan can there be than a mamzer or a child who if his mother has a kosher GET will be a kosher child. But if his mother has an invalid GET, he will be born a mamzer.

3.       We therefore emphasize that if a husband or wife is upset with their spouse, and want a divorce, they have to consider the children. See gemora Pesachim 87b about maintaining a marriage with a wicked woman because there are children, even if the children may be mamzerim. Also Pesachim 113b if a man has an evil wife but has children he has a problem divorcing her.

4.       The gemora discusses saving children by continuing with a wicked wife. But the same principle can be true with a wife who has a wicked husband. If she gets a divorce and the children suffer, is this right?

5.       I once came to a Beth Din and the wife was wailing piteously, and the husband was calm and relaxed. The Rov explained to me that the husband is a baal teshuva who learns in Kollel and the wife tried very hard to become frum but could not tolerate it. Therefore the husband divorced her, and she took their child. I went to the Gaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l and asked him if it is permitted to divorce a wife who is not frum and destroy a child because his wife is not frum. He agreed with me that this is a problem, and said, “If she will keep taharas hamishpocho I would permit him to remain with her and not advise him to divorce her and destroy his child.”

6.       Rabbeinu Tam says in his famous teshuva about coerced Gittin that a woman has to remain an Agunah all of her life rather than take a GET that rabbis of approve of but people will assume that there are problems with it, thus creating laaz or suspicions that the child is a mamzer. Yes, a woman must give up her life to protect her child from suspicions that he is a mamzer. But today we have ladies going to rabbis who coerce Gittin and make mamzerim. Beth Din is the “father of orphans” and we must fight this.

7.       We are not saying that nobody with children should be divorced. We are saying that two Torah Jews who are considering divorce should consider their children.

8.       There are many rabbis who encourage women to coerce divorces and this makes mamzerim. People should be concerned about this. Incredibly, in Philadelphia somebody is encouraging a married woman to remarry without a GET (even though the husband wants to give a GET after a visit to Beth Din to clarify custody, etc.. Where is the protest? Where is the concern?

Children from Divorced Families

The Week Magazine published studies that show nine problems that affect children from divorced parents. Such children were over forty percent more likely to smoke. Another study showed that children of divorced parents are more likely to need Ritalin. Also a study showed that children from divorced parents have poor math and social skills relative to children from two-parents homes. Also they suffer anxiety stress and low self-esteem relative to children from two-family homes. It is unlikely that they will catch up to their two-family peers. Children of divorce also develop more health problems than children from stable families. Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of school. A study showed that ten percent of children of divorce turn to crime and that eight percent consider suicide. There is a link between divorced parents and the risk of stroke. Children of divorce are more likely to get divorced and suffer and early death.

Let us imagine X in a difficult marriage. She/he sticks it out and has wonderful and successful children. As she ages she sees children and grandchildren growing up happy and healthy. Eventually, as time goes on, some of the harsh realities in the marriage begin to fade and she ends up with a happy marriage. And if not, the happiness of her children support her.

But let us imagine Y who got a divorce. She is free from the fiend, but her children suffer. Sometimes they become angry at her for ruining their two-parent home, or for hurting the father. Her life will be a struggle. As she gets older, the problems get worse as some children from broken families suffer from divorce themselves and other problems. What kind of life is that?

Does it pay to rush into divorce? Is it right to encourage the right of a wife/man to have a divorce when there are children?

Number 2: Who is talking loshon hora about the spouse who is being rejected?

Not long ago I was talking to a major Rov in Israel about my Shalom Bayis Beth Din project. Imagine, I said, when we can have neutral people talking to husband and wife about the problems, instead of today, when the parents and the friends are involved. They cannot be neutral. They cannot tolerate the pain of their relative or friend. So they make hate. The Rov agreed vociferously. How many marriages have been ruined by parents and friends. Sad, but true.

Not long ago a dear friend called me up. You know, he said, my wife doesn’t respect me. I was shocked because these people had lived in peace for decades. What had happened all of a sudden? I asked him, “Who has been talking to you?” He replied so and so. I said, “Isn’t so and so just divorced?” Right on. “Get him out of your house.” And there was once again peace.

The New York Time ran an article about an apartment building in Manhattan populated by the up and coming beautiful people. They were couples recently married, successful in business, and rising in the world financially and socially. Their marriages were special.

One day, it seems, one couple got a divorce. Not long afterwards, the neighbor of the divorcee got a divorce. It began, like a contagion, to spread. People tried quarantine, but more and more people divorced, until the building was devastated by divorces. When a bitter person talks about their horrible spouse, the next phase is to talk about your spouse, and after that…

#3 - What does the dissatisfied spouse believe is the proper role and position of the rejected spouse? What is the failure of the rejected spouse?

Why does the spouse reject his/her mate? Let us take an actual case. A woman married a fine Talmid Chochom, one with the highest integrity and a very good reputation as a scholar. The wife demanded and got a GET. I was flabbergasted. I called up the father of the girl and asked him if it was true that his daughter rejected such a wonderful husband for reasons that I could not fathom. The father sadly replied that it was true. I asked if I could speak to the daughter. The father agreed. I asked her if it was true what I heard that the reason she demanded a divorce was X, something that utterly amazed me. Not only did she admit it. She was, after the GET, and after she was on the market for a few months when surely some very attractive boys that she at one time could attract would not now be interested in her. Did that make a difference to her? Not at all. She was fuming with fury at her husband because he was not that very uniquely special person that she demanded.

What was my take on this? How did a girl who obviously had very lofty qualities to attract her first husband turn furious with fire because he was not, shall we say, so perfect or so such a reason? Her father did not want this divorce. So who wanted it?

There is a terrible answer to this. Some senior person in her life, a rabbi or teacher in Bais Yaacov, put down the law. Only a husband great and incredible, otherwise, otherwise what? I don’t want to write it. But that is how a young girl was brain washed into destroying her life. Because what she wanted is not only extremely rare, but those people who qualify for that particular level in some areas, are very often not the best husbands.

What would have been so terrible if she had married and stayed married? Okay, the shame and horror of not being perfect is surely something that we cannot tolerate if you go to the school that this girl went to. But was there nobody, a senior rabbi perhaps, who could have saved the situation? Good question. But there is also a good answer, actually a bad answer, but the right answer. The great rabbi who could have taught this girl to stay married was the one who inspired the girl’s teacher. A terrible thought. But, these things do happen.

I once went to a Gadol from the past generation and told him that in Monsey, the holy city of  Torah and Yeshivas, somebody had established a video store, right smack in the middle of town in the business district. I was sure this Gadol, who was a known fire eater, would get up and give one of his great lectures to arouse the community to fight this tooth and nail. But the Gadol did nothing, and completely ignored me. I asked, again and again, and no reaction at all from him. He ignored me as if I didn’t exist. A voice within me said, “He ignores you. But you are Mr. Mechutsaf. Turn it on.” I blurted out, “Rebbe! Hashchoso!” That was what he was waiting for. Suddenly, he woke up, his eyes flashing, his fingers pointing, a real show. And he said with great theatric ability, “A Yeshiva is hashchoso.” I felt that I was falling down, down, down, but a quiet and still voice said to me, “He said that in public. He has to explain it. Just wait.” So, I just stood there, stunned and amazed, waiting for the explanation.

I don’t recall the exact words, nor do I think that the exact words were the purpose of his response. The first thing he said, that I must look at the problems of the Torah community instead of worrying so much about the treifeh world. The treifeh world has a very limited ability in the Torah community, fortunately. But when somebody wants to do a mitzvah, easily the good deed can turn to hashchoso. As was the case with this poor girl who was taught to reject her wonderful husband because he was not as perfect as somebody maintained. Yes, idealism is a terror in the Torah world.

The Gaon Rav Mayer Mintz, a major Talmid of the Gadol Reb Aharon Kotler zt”l, once told me the following story. A Jew had committed a sin that no Jew was ever known to do. People came to a great rabbi and asked his explanation how a Jew can fall so far. He replied, “I don’t know how a Jew can do such a terrible thing. But one thing I do know. He meant leshaim shomayim, he had idealistic motivations. Once somebody hops a ride on the Torah to do an evil thing, where does it end? Yes, where does it end? HaShem Yerachem.

What Does the Torah Say about the problems in the marriage?

A husband battled for years with his wife and refused to give a GET. The community and his children turned against him, but he was adamant and kept fighting. I once spoke to him and began reading some teachings from the Shulchan Aruch. The man jumped up and said, “I need a wife.” He decided then and there to talk to his children about settling things with his wife.

Problems in marriage are solved with advice in practical terms from others. But anyone who listens to advice from another can easily find a reason to reject it, and this happens all the time. When presented, however, with a clear demand from the Torah, a person has a focus and an obligation to listen. Thus, dealing with a broken marriage with Torah rulings can be successful when ordinary suggestions may fail.

What does the Torah say about problems in marriage? First of all, the Torah, as taught in the Talmud, tells us that the greatest sages had serious marital problems. These problems were not the result of insensitivity, chas vishalom. In one case the wife had terrible pain having children and wanted a GET. But Torah scholars can have problems of all kinds in marriage just like regular people. And Torah scholars must confront the pain of such struggles and find in the Torah the strength to continue the proper way. Thus, the second rule in a damaged marriage is to realize that the Torah did not consider you a failure and a ruined person because your marriage was in trouble. This is a common problem, as life is filled with stresses and confusion and frustrations. There are monetary problems and problems with children and many other problems. But the Torah demands that we find within our deepest recesses the strength to maintain the marriage and bring peace. It is surely not easy and not always successful. Sometimes, nothing helps and sometimes there must be a GET.

The Chofetz Chaim once told a couple to get divorced. Somebody asked him, “Does somebody like you advise a GET?” The Chofetz Chaim replied, “And according to you, why is the law of divorce taught in the Torah if we should always make peace?”

A third rule is to keep in mind that the greatest love can easily turn into the greatest hate. We regularly see the most hideous viciousness between people who share a brood of children, people who are from the finest families, people who went to all of the best Torah schools, but who are now sniping and snarling without letup.

Thus, when faced with  a serious marital rupture it is crucial to bring the problems to a senior rabbi or Beth Din rather than to find guidance with relatives and friends, who will pour oil on the flames with their biased understanding of the situation. The people who deal with a divorce should not be predisposed to one side of the fight but should be people who are not biased in any way. Included in this is the need to find somebody who is not biased about if the greatest importance is to help men or to help women. The person who helps must be free of bias.

As I mentioned before, I told a senior Israeli Rov that my Shalom Bayis Beth Din program does away with parents and good friends “advising” the couple how to destroy the other one. The Rov agreed enthusiastically. Of course, he knew much more than I do what happens when parents and friends mix into the fight. How can a parent understand both sides properly when one side is a son or daughter?

Once a marriage was in trouble and somebody immediately intervened and got a very smart rabbi involved who didn’t know husband or wife. The parents were not informed until things were all organized and ready for the worst. Then the parents were told and encouraged to leave the problems to the rabbi, who did a wonderful job of saving the couple from the common wars and hate that destroy children. Now the couple separated without one word from either spouse to the children about the evil of the other spouse. Now the couple separated with nobody ever hearing hate from one spouse about the other one. People were amazed when they saw that there were even kind words exchanged between the separated individuals and the estranged spouse’s family. Everyone knows that when you separate in a marriage the first rule is to make the other one pay, to speak loshon hora, to demonize them. Well, that is not in the Torah. Surely not. But it is done all of the time by people who do learn Torah, but when egged on by relatives and friends, can descend to the worst hate.

Today there is a great tendency to find a rabbi who permits coercing a GET. But such a GET is considered by the great rabbis a coerced and invalid GET. And remarrying with a coerced GET when the Torah forbids coercion can make mamzerim. Thus, we must realize that not all rabbis know the laws of Gittin, and not all rabbis can overcome their prejudices to one side or the other to rule as it says in Shulchan Aruch.

Somebody once called me up and ranked me out for opposing coercing husbands to give a GET that is against the Shulchan Aruch. I listened to all of his ranting but then asked a  simple question: What is your source to disagree with me? My sources are this that and the other source in the Torah. What is your source? I was told some mumbling and no real source. Eventually, that person came around to realize that I had presented the Shulchan Aruch’s opinion and that of the great authorities, and the other side was an invention based upon non-Torah motivations. He enthusiastically backed my program of preventing coerced Gittin.

When you open your mouth without the Shulchan Aruch, there is evil and chaos.

If before you wage war and speak loshon hora in a marital fight you sit down and think what the Torah would say, it could save you a lot of time in Gehenum in this world and the next. But the best thing is to present your problem to somebody who knows what the Torah says about marriage, and has no bias in your case.

The gemora says that “The mizbach weeps at a divorce.”

Why the mizbayach? Because the mizbayach was the altar for burning sacrifices to atone for sin. The mizbayach thus rectified sin. If a sin to G-d can be rectified, why can’t people rectify their own problems with each other to save a family and the children? So the Mizbayach cries when people divorce.

See Rashi Nosho 5:12 about a marrried woman who went to another man. She sins twice says Rashi, once against HaShem and once against her husband. Because HaShem participates in each marriage so that the woman is considered as one betrothed to Heaven and to her husband. If people would realize this, that the honor of a spouse is the honor of HaShem, would they do what so many people do when the fight comes?

There are those who train women to lie about their husbands and go to court and have the husband destroyed. This happens regularly especially in New York State where the courts have power to force a GET, threatening the husband with jail and loss of money and loss of custody. Such a GET is invalid and the children born from it may be mamzerim. And yet, we hear very little complaints about Torah women going to court and destroying their husbands. The first husband is the evil one, he is demonized. But the woman who goes to court and wails Agunah is the martyr. These are Torah Jews, rabbis and women, and some husbands, who do against the Torah and are going to answer why they did this. And those who do not protest this will also answer to a Higher Court.

Incidentally, the power to force a GET was made in New York State by a Modern Orthodox rabbi, and in our world when people are too busy or too ignorant to protest, such things happen.