Marital Intimacy and the Teaching of the Talmud and Code of Laws
Marital Intimacy
The idea of demanding from a husband that
he have relations with his wife is fully developed in Yevomose 63b and 64a.
The basic obligations of a husband for
his wife are שאר כסות ועונה. KESUSE means clothing,
the obligation to give his wife clothes. ONAH is marital relations. SHAIRE is
according to Beis Shmuel in Even Hoezer chapter 76:13 an argument. Some learn
it means giving his wife food, and some learn it means that they must have
marital relations without wearing clothes. That is, they surely may have an
outer covering of a blanket or similar protection. But between the husband and
wife they are required to be together without any clothing separating the
husband and wife. The Shulchan Aruch goes so far as to say that somebody who
demands that they have intimacy only when wearing clothes is doing the wrong
thing. The basic teaching of the Code of Laws is that such an attitude can
require a divorce. Others maintain that it is not required, but the Code of
Laws says that it is required. One who refuses to have intimacy without clothes
separating husband and wife, according to the Code of laws, must issue a
divorce and pay a Kesubo if he is a husband, and the wife who demands this must
accept a divorce without receiving a Kesubo. (See Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer
76:13.)
Let us now turn to the Rambam "The wife of a man is permitted to him. Therefore,
all that a man wants to do with his wife, he can do it. He may have marital
intimacy with her anytime he so desires. He may kiss any organ that he desires.
He may have relations with her penetrating front or back. As long as he is not
guilty of spilling seed. Despite this, as a trait of piety, one should not be
so accustomed to do these things, and he should sanctify himself during
intimacy, as we explained in the laws of Dayose. And he should not turn away from
the proper style of people that these things are for the sake of having
children. End quote.
This Rambam is quoted in the Ramo. It is
thus essentially the opinion of the Code of Laws. Even though the Rambam and
the Ramo both, after saying what a person can do, that one should follow the
path of piety to resist doing too much intimacy, but the call to resist doing
too much is not said as the law but as a piety. At any rate, we must understand
that Rambam and Ramo begin with an enthusiastic embrace of letting a man do
what he wants, and then they go in reverse and say about piety not to do these
things. What is then their opinion? Let us look once more
at the words of the Rambam."The wife of a man is permitted to him. Therefore, all that a man
wants to do with his wife, he can do it. He may have marital intimacy with her
anytime he so desires. He may kiss any organ that he desires. He may have
relations with her penetrating front or back. As long as he is not guilty of
spilling seed.”
“All that a man wants to do with his
wife, he can do it.” Why does the Rambam not say simply “A man can do with his
wife what he wants”? Why does it say stronger, “All that a man wants to do with
his wife, he can do it.”? I believe that in the question is an
important idea. The stronger form of the statement reveals that there is a
stronger need to do certain things with one’s wife, stronger than plain desire
to do it. What is the stronger desire to do something with one’s wife? I
believe that the stronger desire means that the husband has a powerful urge to
perform certain things with the wife. In such a circumstance, the husband has a
choice: Either accept that he has a very strong need for such things, or don’t
accept that, but simply agree that doing certain things are desirable, but not
with any strong pressure.
Actually, we can go even further. The
stronger form of the attitude of the husband reveals that he has a great need
to perform these things. It is not just a thing that he might be in the mood to
perform. It is something very important for him to do. He needs, something in
his heart is demanding, that he do things with his wife. Now, when a person has a great desire to
do something and something blocks him, whatever the block is, what happens
next? A man who has a very strong desire to do something with his wife but
knows that the chasiduse or piety would frown on it, may therefore refuse to do
it. This is a big mistake. Because when a husband really wants and needs those
things from his wife, if he doesn’t get it from her, he is probably going to
get it elsewhere, maybe from somebody else’s wife! This is an important rule.
Somebody who has great desire to do something with his wife but knows that holy
piety prevents this, must perform what he truly desires to do. If not, he will
do it anyway, and he may do it in a way that will destroy his soul, such as if
he is overpowered to do these marital things with a woman not his wife.
Therefore, the Rambam says clearly that what a person has a great desire to do
with his wife, he MUST DO IT, or else!
The
source for this rule is in Nedorim 20A-B. A rabbi Rebbe Yochanan ben Dihaboi
spoke of men who have need for intimacy with their wives so that they may
fulfill their needs. The gemora does not say that if the husband has a need for
this intimacy that he can do it. It says rather that Rebbe Yochanan ben Dihaboi
simply says that people who do certain things with their wives that are not
appropriate for a pious person will suffer great punishment with their
children. But the gemora there says that the law is not like Rebbe Yochana ben
Dihaboi. The law is rather exactly what the Rambam said, that a person may,
without any feelings of guilt, take from his wife the pleasures that he needs.
Let us return to the gemora Nedorim 20A
about the statement of Rebbe Yochanan ben Dihaboi. He says, “Four things were
taught to me by the Heavenly Administering Angels.” And the four things were
terrible punishments for people who fulfilled their desires with their wives
while feeling guilt, even though those guilty feelings were introduced by the
Heavenly Administering Angels. The gemora on Nedorim 20b states clearly that
the law is not like Rebbe Yochanan ben Dihaboi; rather the law is that what a
man wants from his wife he can take it. No guilt. Rather, knowing that if he does
not take when he has a great desire for these things, he may end up taking
these things from a woman who is not his wife, maybe from the wife of another
man. Therefore, taking when he has a strong desire for it will save him from
the suffering attached to the teaching of Rebbe Yochana ben Dihaboi.
The gemora says clearly there that the
law is not like Rebbe Yochanan ben Dihaboi, but like the rabbonon. And the
rabbonon don’t claim to have heard this law from Heavenly Administering Angels.
So where did they discover that a husband can do what he wants when he has a
great desire for some pleasure from his wife? As we explained, if a person has
such a desire, either he takes his pleasure with full confidence, or else, it
is quite possible he will take his pleasures from a woman not his wife!
But there is more to it than that. The
gemora there explains that one may take pleasure from his wife, and it says
that people want a piece of meat or a fish, they have many ways of preparing
the meat or the fish, and all of these ways are permitted. These appetites are permitted with no
punishment as long as the desire to eat the meat or fish is sincere. Eating the
meat and fish satisfies the man and he will not get his appetites in doing a
sin. But one who has a real desire for his wife and refuses it can end up
sinning with another woman, because his need for intimacy is very strong and he
better do it with his wife rather than sin with somebody else’s wife.
Now when a man wants a piece of meat or
fish, it is not sinful to want such pleasures. And this is the level of wanting
a wife. It is not sinful, and there is no punishment for doing it. But, this
applies only if one takes his wife as he would take meat or fish. He has a real
appetite for meat or fish, and eats it, anyway he desires, there no sin in
doing this. The same holds true for marital desires. There is no sin, if a
person has a true desire for the intimacy and if he does not perform the
intimacy he may get into major trouble, perhaps with another woman not his wife
but somebody else’s wife. We come now to another phase of intimacy.
True intimacy is ideally when both husband and wife know that they are
accustomed to be together on a certain day of the month or a similar schedule.
At this time, they both prepare for intimacy. Both husband and wife are filled
with desire for each other. Then husband and wife anticipate that they will be
together with no disturbances until they complete their process. Ideally, the
couple anticipates and assumes that the two husband and wife will work together
building up the desire to have intimacy until its conclusion. This is the ideal
way of doing things.
But it is not always so simple. Maybe the
husband or wife had a rough day and are just not in the mood for serious
intimacy. Maybe husband or wife had a good day anticipating intimacy but the
other spouse did not have a good day anticipating intimacy, rather a rough day,
and intimacy is on the back burners.This is especially prevalent in a family
with little children. Little children are accustomed to start crying and
demanding whenever they are in the mood. And that can make a problem with
intimacy.
For this, on day when intimacy is
scheduled, the appropriate thing is for the husband and wife to schedule
prayers that their intimacy will not be interrupted.
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