A Husband or Wife without a Functioning Marriage

Rambam Chapter 15 of the Laws of Marriage says, “The rabbis have decreed that a man should not be without a wife lest he come to sinful thoughts.” The Magid Mishneh there brings the source of the Rambam in the gemora Yevomose 62B, “A man is forbidden to live without a wife.” Let us understand that the Rambam and the Magid are not saying that if a man has a wife and they have no intimacy that this is okay. It is not okay. The Rambam and the Magid mean that only when a man has a functioning marriage where there is regularly intimacy as taught in the Shulchan Aruch and gemora is he fulfilling his obligation. But if a wife wants a divorce and the husband refuses to give her one, even if they continue to live in the same house, the husband has no intimacy nor does the wife. This can cause both of them to find intimacy with another person who is forbidden to them and if they do this they are doing a horrible sin.

See also the Code of Laws Even Hoezer about marriage, chapter 76 paragraph 13, that a husband or wife who demand that intimacy be only wearing clothes separating husband and wife, that this is grounds for divorce. See also Beis Shmuel there. This may be an argument among the authorities, but this is what it says in the Code of Laws.

Another problem is that even if a marriage is broken and husband and wife live in the same house without intimacy, the biological processes of both husband and wife, the need for regularly intimacy, is not being served. This can either lead to the husband and wife seeking other partners not their spouses, or the husband can sin with masturbation, a serious sin. But biology must be served, and one who lives without a functioning wife is not serving his biology. The wife also has a biology and emotions and they must be served.

The Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer chapter 23 paragraph one says that it is forbidden to emit sperm and this is a very great sin. The Shulchan Aruch elaborates on the very serious nature of that sin.

If so, a husband who has reached a point with his wife that he cannot have regularly intimacy with her, either because she refuses or because he does not want to be with her, we have a crisis. Biology is burning for a young person, and it doesn’t go away for many years until the person is really old, and even then, who knows if anybody is really cleansed of the biology. If so, the only solution is a good marriage. If a person is unable to have intimacy but the marriage is good, things may be fine. But especially with younger people, any marriage with no functioning intimacy and nothing to calm the fire of the biology, what hope is there to be saved from serious sins?

There are today thousands of people without a proper protection from their biology. Many people divorced and cannot remarry for whatever reason. Many people can marry but are reluctant because of the many problems in marriages today, the gender war, etc. Many people delayed marriage until it got to the point that they could only marry by accepting somebody much older or much different than the person they always planned to marry. Such people can wait and wait and wait until they find what they always wanted, but it is not easy to find somebody you wanted in your youth when you are much older.

This is a crisis and it is only getting worse. The gender wars, the fears, the lack of proper guides for many people, yes, it is a crisis and it is only getting worse.

Let us review our teaching here. A husband and a wife are supposed to live together with regularly intimacy. This is crucial to save them both from sin. If the marriage is not going well, and the two live in the same house, but there is no regular intimacy, we have a very dangerous situation that can lead to very serious sins. It is therefore sinful for a man and a wife to live in the same house in a broken marriage without regular intimacy.

This is crucial today when many marriages break down and intimacy suffers, that both should recognize they are living in sin that can lead them heaven forfend to very serious sin. Again, it is a sin for a husband or a wife to live without regular intimacy. If the marriage has broken down both husband and wife live in sin. Now, if the husband wants the wife but the wife is against the husband and doesn’t want anything to do with him, for instance, the classical case of a woman complaining that her husband disgusts here, this is a situation where there is no proper intimacy in the family, and it is a sin for both husband and wife to live together.

A woman with Kiddushin cannot force the husband to divorce her against his will, only to divorce her willingly. And if the husband refuses to divorce her willingly, he is living in sin, and she is suffering, but the sin is not hers, the sin is that of the husband who will not give her a GET. If there are children who will suffer from a broken family and a GET from father to mother, it may be that the husband has an excuse to save the children from a divorce. But the husband is living without a functioning marriage, which can lead to serious sins.

Again, a couple living together and certainly living apart without regular intimacy are living in sin. If the marriage has broken down but there cannot be a divorce because of the children, we have a very serious problem that leads to serious sins. Every effort must be made to rectify the problem.

Perhaps, if the Beth Din or people involved in solving the problem can convince the husband to improve his attitude to the wife, and if the wife can be convinced to improve her attitude to the husband, perhaps they can improve their marriage and find a way to have regular intimacy. But if not, they are both living separately and are both exposed to biological problems that lead to serious sin.

Experienced rabbonim have told me that today there are entire sections of Orthodox people who live in sin, because of the problems today with marriage. Every day that the marriage exists without regular intimacy is a day of sin.

On the one hand, a woman cannot force a Kiddushin GET from the husband. On the other hand, the husband is not allowed to live without a functioning marriage, meaning, a marriage with regular intimacy. Something has to give. And the greatest efforts must be made to solve the problem. The key is to find people who can solve these problems, and bring the husband and wife back together until they accept regular intimacy.

On the one hand, a husband cannot be forced to divorce his wife if the marriage was made with Kiddushin. On the other hand, the husband is not allowed to live without a regular intimacy, nor is the wife permitted to live this way.

We come to a situation where either people get involved who can solve the problem of the marriage, or they must consider a divorce. If children are involved, and a divorce is a terrible thing for them, and perhaps husband and wife don’t want to divorce, and yet they don’t want to have regular intimacy, I don’t know how husband and wife are allowed to continue without regular intimacy, because of the biology that has no cure.