by Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
Years ago, at my son's wedding in Israel, I met someone who had at the wedding become my mechuton, the great Gaon and Tsadik Rav Mayer Bransdorfer. I tried to talk to him in learning during the wedding, but there was too much noise. So the next day, which was Friday, I went to his house and sat with him for an hour. Finally, I told him it was late and I had no right to detain him any longer just before Shabbos. He was very friendly, walked me to the door and said, "You have the sources, but we don't do things that way."
Before I go further, I want to say that I agree with him when he said "we don't do things that way" but I am also right, that the sources say like me. If that sounds confusing, let me explain.
The laws of intimacy in marriage in the poskim and Shulchan Aruch, contain two opposite thoughts. One is "anything a man wants to do with his wife he can do" and the other thought is to encourage a man to act in a modest and holy fashion. These two are contradictions, major contradictions.
But there are two types of people. One has biological urges that can overpower him. Another person does not have these urges. One lives in America or other treifeh places that swarm with Yetser Hora, and some live in some super-holy neighborhood in Israel. These two opposite kind of people have the opposite kind of halacha in marital intimacy. Americans and those who have biological tendencies that are problems are encouraged "all that a man wants to do with his wife he can do." If he does not do these things, who knows what sins he will commit? I once was told to speak to a certain person. I spoke to him and he blurted out to me how much problems he has. Eventually, he acted upon these problems and ruined his life. You can't mess with the Yetser. So, people with problems have got to stay away from problems, and one way is to do with your wife whatever you sense yourself wanting to do. Maybe there are some limits but the Shulchan Aruch and Rambam are not clear about what the limits are. So we will leave this for your imagination. But for somebody without these drives, why not embrace holiness? Of course, everyone must make their wife happy, that is a posuk in the Torah. But beyond that, there are different people and different halochose.
Somebody asked me about some weird acts, and I didn't respond to him right away. But he kept at it, and it was obvious that he was struggling. Then he told me about his Yetser Hora and his base drives. When he told me this I said, "A person who has such drives and fights them is looking to jump into the fire. Better to satisfy yourself with your wife than doing what else you really want to do."
We have begun our discussion. If anyone has questions about these laws, call me at 845-578-1917 or write to me at dddeid@verizon.net. I don't know you personally and may not be able to know always what you should do, but I will try my best, and maybe after some discussion, I will be able to tell you my opinion.
Thank you,
Dovid Eidensohn
