Articles
about Family and Children by
Contents
By David Eidensohn
Our topic is how to raise happy and successful children. We want
here to describe two sets of children: One is the vast majority of Americans
who are not Orthodox Jews, and the other are people like myself, who are deeply
Orthodox Jews.
The deeply Orthodox Jews train their children to master the Torah
from heaven and its teachings. And the Talmud is filled with instructions to
see to it that before marriage a child must achieve some wealth. For years this
bothered me very much. The great rabbis were often very wealthy. How was this
possible if they were the greatest rabbis and had time not only to be great in
Torah but in wealth? I never had an answer for that, until one day, I had an
answer. Soon I will supply it, but first, since I am writing not only for the
small number of deeply Orthodox Jews, but for all Americans, people of all
religions and beliefs, I want to first touch on the great problems I have heard
from friends who are professional teachers of children. It seems that even in
Orthodox Jewish schools, many children fail. Why is this?
One reason is the terrifying problem of drugs. I know of a
situation whereby some students would stand around a basement and suggest to
other students to come in and enjoy themselves a bit, an enjoyment that ended
in drugs. In one cemetery not far from my home there are two young boys who
died in an overdose.
Whose fault is it? One problem is that our schools are based upon
age. Children of one age are put in one class, or maybe two classes. The very
bright students are bored silly by everyone else, the very weak students are
destroyed by the other students, and the middle students suffer from top and
bottom of the class. Is there any wonder that the school system itself is at
fault? Why don’t we realize that forcing all ages in one class is destruction?
But is there an alternative without breaking the back of the fiscal process?
When I realized the problem above that I mentioned, how great
rabbis become Torah scholars of the highest order and yet become wealthy, which
seems impossible, I began to think a lot about how to raise children that would
become, if Orthodox Jewish, great in biblical teaching as well as wealthy, and
if not Orthodox Jewish or of another religion or belief, could achieve their
learning and wealth together. I finally came up with the solution, for
everyone.
We know that all people in America spend a lot of time on
television, movies, gulf, etc. and etc. Children surely do this. What do they
gain from television, movies, etc.? Fun. Is that educational or just plain fun?
Well, there is often some level of education, but basically, it is for fun.
Much time of the day is spent on fun. Children grow up, the classroom is crowded
with people who drain the interest from a lot of the children, and we don’t
really have to wonder why some turn to drugs.
Well, what about using fire to fight fire? I mean, what if we could
create fun for kids that was really worth while for them, I mean, if it could
make them rich, honestly?
I wrote a fictional story about a Jewish kid named Shimi whose
father was a farmer. The father and mother began training Shimi at a tender age
to spend a few hours a day in Hebrew school learning Torah, but he also began,
with the encouragement of his father and mother, to take fruits from the farm
to school and trade them with goods that other kids brought to school. As time
went on, his father began to urge him to learn how to rap on doors and sell
things. The first stop was at the home of his father’s best friend, and when
the friend saw who was waiting across the street from the little boy who rapped
on his door, he realized immediately what the score was, and immediately
purchased and made the child very happy. Shimi walked home with a few coins,
and it really lifted his spirits. He wanted more coins, and gradually, his
father turned him into a polished salesman, and then began training him in
buying property.
Shimi’s father began his education how to purchase property by
telling a story about a child he knew who once sold his bike for five dollars. The child then discovered that the bike was
worth ten dollars and was crushed. But the boy’s father was very happy that he
had made such a mistake. He told him, “I have a friend who received a very
large amount of money when he married a man’s daughter. But he had no
experience in buying and lost all of his money. My son, you lost five dollars
worth of a sale, but you will never again make a mistake in buying. It was
really worth your time to make that mistake.”
Shimi never forgot what his father told him. “Learn from your
mistakes.” When you are in business, you deal with people who want to make
money, and you are at risk. Sometimes you will fall into a trap. Don’t let it
bother you so much. Learn from it. And, here is the key, make sure you don’t
repeat your mistakes.
As time went on, not too
much time, Shimi was really happy about Hebrew school and selling, and the
money piled up. When Shimi turned to the age of Bar Mitsvah, thirteen years of
age, he had already learned how to seek out and find property that the owner is
desperate to sell at a ridiculous price, and he bought a very nice property. As
time went on, he sold that property for a good sum and began buying other
properties.
Shimi maintained his Torah studies, and some of his day was devoted
to business. He had money, plenty of it, and purchased a vineyard and other
properties, for his own use, and for eventual sale. Furthermore, as time went
on, Shimi began encouraging people to buy land near his properties, or land on
his properties, and when they arrived, he began guiding them in finding the
right schools to raise happy children, learned in Torah and in business.
Parents heard about this, and more and more people moved to Shimi’s estates.
One day, a very wealthy man came to Shimi’s parents, and they had a
long talk, and emerged both very happy. Shimi had no idea who this person was
or why he came to speak to his parents. Then the man came back: this time, he
wanted to talk to Shimi. He told Shimi that he had a daughter, and Shimi’s
parents knew about it and approved her as a potential wife for Shimi. He also
said that his father was the local rabbi, but was getting along in age, and was
about to retire. When he did, his synagogue would go to Shimi. The very wealthy
man did not discuss how much Shimi would be paid, because he knew already that
Shimi was himself wealthy. But he did tell Shimi that the choice of his salary
was up to him, if he wanted it. Shimi wanted the job, but not the salary; he
had no need for it. The wedding went through, and what a wedding it was!
Shimi’s parents and their friends, Shimi’s friends who sent their children to
his schools and moved into his estates, and many others came and rejoiced
greatly. Here was a family that knew how to raise children, happy children,
wealthy children, great in Torah learning. Many people who came to this wedding
decided that they would consider for their own children, and maybe for
themselves, a life with less television and more learning and more happiness.
If anyone is interested in making happy and successful children,
contact me at David Eidensohn at
eidensohnd@gmail or 845-578-1917.
Shalom!
by
Rabbi David E. Eidensohn
The Talmud suggests that an early marriage, surely one supported by
the parents and family, can help bring about a successful marriage. In the
Orthodox world there are two types of parents. There are those who raise their
children to prepare for this world and the next by studying the Torah, and also
prepare their children to earn a living. These children come to maturity
faithful to the dictates of their parents. When it comes time to marry, the
parents or family make suggestions, or sometimes a stranger makes a good
suggestion, and if the family and the boy or girl are interested, it could be a
marriage. We call this the first type of parent or child, because the parents
guide the steps of the child towards marriage and further.
Another type of family is when the child grows up independently,
finds his or her own friends, and decides on their own how to earn a living.
Sometimes a parent is unable to guide the child, or dies, or is in a family
where the spouses quarrel or divorce. Surely in such situations a child is
often on his own.
A child of a problem family has a problem escaping problems. So let
us first concentrate on the first level, where a child is given a good start at
finding the right way to marry. What is involved?
One thing the rabbis taught is that we want children to marry
young. This means marrying at the age of eighteen or maybe seventeen, unless
the boy is involved heavily in learning Torah and needs some more time.
Furthermore, if a boy is actively seeking a wife, but has not found the right
one, this may be acceptable, at least, for a few years.
There is, in addition, another idea, one so powerful it may even
influence a child from the second level of seeking success in marriage, where
the family is broken or divided or somewhat lacking what a child needs from his
parents. That is the passage in the Torah “and he should make his wife happy.”
Rashi and the Zohar tell us that this mitsvah is not a command for the wife and
husband to treat each other properly. It is a mitsvah only upon the husband,
that the burden of making his wife rejoice is not upon her, but only upon the
husband. Raishis Chochmo explains that this can refer to monetary obligations
that the husband has. If it is very cold outside and the husband only has money
to buy one winter coat, he can buy it, but it should be for the wife.
Obviously, when there is only one coat in the house, and this means that one
person cannot go outside in the cold, we have problems. A great rabbi once had
this problem and he took turns with his wife who would use the coat. But the
basic idea is that the wife should, if possible, have her own coat. If it is
impossible, it is impossible, but maybe the husband can find some job to
support the needs of the family so that both husband and wife don’t freeze in
the winter.
The mitsvah of “and he should make his wife happy” can apply even
to the first level, when parents do their part in making children happy and
successful, but people are what they are, and children being what they are,
differences can sprout up, not only between couples, but between children and
parents, and sometimes these differences lead to, in any kind of marriage, to anger
and even divorce.
We have covered a lot of material in our short pages here, so let
us pause a bit, and devote some space to divorce. This is important because
divorce does happen and when it does many people simply refuse to remarry. This
itself is a major disaster, and it consumes a large section of the community,
even the Orthodox community.
Why does divorce occur? People don’t get along for many reasons.
That often brings about divorce.
Therefore, we must turn to the next question in our title: What is
Next?
Divorce is a tragedy, but it is one that can be repaired. A person
can remarry. The tragedy today is that people who divorce often refuse to
remarry. Not only do they refuse to remarry, but they shack up illicitly with
others who often have no intent to remarry. People are desperate to get people
married and produce very expensive programs to get people to come down and meet
somebody that they may marry. They meet, they talk, they go for a walk or a
drive, they go to a nice restaurant, maybe a nice movie, and rarely do they
remarry. A rabbi who is heavily involved in these issues told me that even
Orthodox Jews who were divorced are not easily enticed into remarrying, and
they, sadly, end up sinning, HaShem Yerachem.
Let us talk about this a bit. A person marries, it doesn’t work
out, and perhaps, husband and wife have no marital relations. Such a thing is
possible, and is even discussed in religious books on marriage. One serious
book suggests that if a woman lives in the house with her married husband, but
loses interest in having marital relations with him, and she stays in the house
tending the children and working in the house in general, despite her refusal
to have marital relations, this is something that requires the rabbis in the
community to understand. What is happening? Why has the wife acted this way? Is
the husband behaving properly? What went wrong?
One opinion states that a key element in the discussion is this:
Does the wife refuse marital relations because she demands a divorce, that is,
she wants to be free of the husband entirely, and perhaps to remarry? Or does
she not want to leave the house, but will continue to live there, along with
the husband in the same abode, but refuses to have relations with him.
This question then ties in with another teaching from the gemora.
It seems that at a time a woman who demanded a divorce from her husband and
states a reason why she wants the divorce, was generally believed. Because, in
those very early years, women were known to be honest and not lie about their
husbands. But as time went on, and the rabbis noted that some women were lying
about their husbands simply because they preferred a different person to be
their husband, and the stories about her present husband were quite possibly
not true, then the rabbis ruled that women could not force the husband to give
them a divorce. However, and this is a key point: If she does not demand a
divorce, and does not mention the words “I want a divorce,” but can say what she
wants about the husband regarding her refusal to have marital relations with
him, in such a case, it is highly possible that the next step is for senior
rabbis to talk to the husband. Is he treating his wife right, or not? The
rabbis give the husband a certain amount of time to straighten things out in
the house with his wife. If it works, fine, marriage is back in style in that
house. But if it doesn’t work, and the wife has not demanded a GET, then the
rabbis may decide to force the husband to give a GET.[1]
Now, the fact that a woman does ask for a GET means we don’t force
the husband, because we don’t trust the woman because maybe she asks for a GET
not because her complaints are true, but because she would prefer a different
man for her husband. But if the rabbis can ascertain on their own that the
husband has done things to cause grief to the woman in a manner that can bring
about a forced GET, so that the woman is not the one who talks bad things about
the husband but the rabbis independently realize this, that may result in a
forced GET. Such is mentioned in the Shulchan Aruch when the rabbis sense that
a man has taken a job that requires him to acquire a terrible smell that no
woman can tolerate, he may, possibly, be forced to divorce his wife.[2]
The Torah commands a man to marry and to have children, a boy and a
girl. Ideally, he should continue to have more children. There was a case where
a man had many boys and no girls. A rabbi suggested that he divorce his wife
because he was unable to fulfill the command to have a son and a daughter. But
the senior rabbi of the time, Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev, cautioned prudence. No
divorcing. Indeed, some say that women are not superior to men and two men may
equal a man and a woman. It is true that the Talmud says that HaShem respects
women more than men and trusts them perhaps more than men, but when it comes to
force a man to divorce his wife for having two boys and no girls, that is off
track.
But when a couple simply refuses to have marital relations, and have
not had even the basic two children, this is serious. Do the rabbis intervene
and force a divorce? Do they force intimacy? These are separate issues, but
very relevant to the people involved. In other words, when marriage doesn’t
work, and people do not divorce, we have serious problems, maybe problems that
have no workable solution. And what of the people who don’t have relations but
don’t divorce? Do we threaten them? I don’t present here solutions to these
terrible problems, which do happen, only to say that these are the kind of
things that can occur in a marriage, and they do. What we can try to do is to
find a way to solve the problems, hopefully, with no divorce, but if no
solution appears, what else can be done?[3]
It was my privilege to study under the great rabbis from Europe and
Israel from the age of about eleven for decades and I received approbations in
writing and orally that I had mastered difficult parts of the Torah. Of course,
I only learned under a few of the great rabbis from Europe and Israel. If we
look into Jewish history, we find many great ones who lived far before me. I
feel therefore an obligation to discuss both those rabbis that I personally
studied under and received their approbations, and those rabbis who are the
subject of higher and hidden achievements in earlier generations and countries.
Both deserve our thoughts.
I want to begin this discussion with a personal shocking statement
I made in a gemora class. The rabbi was discussing the greatest rabbis of past
times, such as the Chofetz Chaim, etc. Everyone was very moved until I opened
my mouth and declared, “I am bigger than they were.” People were shocked,
except for the Rabbi, who knew me well. He waited, as he was so accustomed, for
my punchline, because I was always talking to him and he liked to end with a
punchline of his own. But everybody was now also waiting for the punchline and
could not believe what possible thing I could say. So I said it:
“I wear a yarmulke.” The Rov smiled.
In other words, I was born in Washington, DC, in a time in America
where almost nobody was religious. Indeed, in those days, American Jewish
children usually had no serious Torah school to attend. Thousands of European
Jews who were religious came to America, but they had no religious school for
their children, and the children went to public school, as I did. What made me
so exceptional was that I wore a Yarmulka. To do that in a world that trained
children, one, to reject Judaism and two, to make money, meant that if you wear
a yarmulke in public that was a big problem. I learned that the hard way.
I was about eleven years old and I was wearing a yarmulke and
walking down the street. A man who was probably a middle-aged Jew came over to
me, and with very strong objection, asked me, “You wear a yarmulke in public?”
Then he added, “Don’t you know that people came from monkeys?”
Now my father was perhaps the leading battery scientist in the
world. He doubled with one battery the power of the Navy’s submarines, for
which he received a very high honor and the whole family participated. For that
I came to the office of the Assistant Secretary of the Navy and took off my
yarmulke until I left.
What I want to bring out is that I would always talk to my father
and was thoroughly trained in replying to people. I immediately thought, “You
say that people came from monkeys? And where did giraffes come from?” But I had
respect for an older man and kept quiet. But I was thoroughly trained to reply.
But where did I learn to wear a yarmulke? When I was very young, I
went to public school by day, and afterwards went to Yeshiva Or Torah DiBrisk,
a school with three rabbis and four students. And the rest of the time I went
to public school. As time went on, and I entered high school, an Orthodox
Jewish teacher told my parents, “Get David out of this public school. Send him
to a religious Yeshiva such as they have
in Baltimore.” I was soon in Baltimore, where I studied three years under the
Gaon Rabbi Yaacov Bobrowsky.
But what ever happened to the Yeshiva Or Torah DiBrisk in
Washington, DC? After I left it and went to Baltimore, the Yeshiva Or Torah
DiBrisk lasted a few years. But just a week or so before the Six Day War, the
two Malin rabbis took their entire families and moved to Israel. That was a
very dangerous thing to do. Because it was generally considered that a war was
coming with the Arab determined to wipe out the Jews in Israel. To take one’s
entire family to Israel at such a time was an incredible act of courage. And of
course, it paid off. In a few days, six or seven days (Called the Six Day War
but the Tsadik Rav Levenshtein predicted weeks before that the war would last
seven days) the Arabs were destroyed and Israel had enormous new territory to
call its own. The Malin brothers went to work taking over buildings. The
government approached them: If you have the money to support these large
buildings you are taking, fine. But if you don’t have the money to support
taking these buildings, the Arabs will demand that you give them back their
buildings. So, make sure you have the money to take these buildings. The Malin
brothers bought several large buildings and built very large Yeshivas, from
little children to Kollel, until their Yeshiva became one of the biggest in
Israel. This was their reward for trusting in HaShem and coming to Israel at a
time when senior Zionists were fleeing from Israel out of fear of the Arabs.
And incidentally, also senior British officers were running.
My three years in Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim in Baltimore studying under
the great scholar Rabbi Yaacov Bobrowsky were very special and beloved for me.
I met there a brilliant Torah scholar who was not well, but who lived in
Baltimore, and could not spend too much time in his Yeshiva which was in
Monsey. We became friends and he advised me that when I graduate high school, I
go to Lakewood Yeshiva and study under the great Rabbi Aharon Kotler.
I was aware that I was making a major leap, but I did what he said,
and when I came to Lakewood I worked very hard on preparing something to say to
Rabbi Kotler. I said to him, “A equals B.” He replied, “It is equal if you feel
that fish equals a wall,” which was his style in destroying the mistakes of his
disciples and everybody else. I decided then and there, “I am talking to the
greatest rabbi in the world only because I have chutspah (audacity), and I will
be back tomorrow.” As time went on, Rabbi Kotler acknowledged that I had
mastered his style in Talmud, which was a mighty compliment. I spoke to him
constantly, in the study hall, while he walked to the dining room, and even at
supper in his private room where nobody disturbed him.
I was once talking to him in his private dining room and suddenly
three rabbis barged into the room. They were full of fire and so was Rabbi
Kotler. They began a furious discussion in very fast Yiddish and I didn’t
understand one word of it, but I did notice that the rabbis had placed a book
on Rabbi Kotler’s table. Ten minutes of furious discussion (they all agreed
about something that I didn’t understand) and I simply went over and opened the
book they had placed, which was obviously the source of the explosion, which
both agreed on. On and on the explosion went on and I finally realized what
they were all upset about.
In those days, when people graduated from high school, special
books were made filled with pictures and comments about each graduate. Most
classes in religious schools had about thirty students. The girls, when they
graduated, were eligible for marriage. And they knew that the boys would look
at their pictures to select a wife. That infuriated Rabbi Kotler and the rabbis
who brought the book. I thought to myself, if they ask me, the youngest student
in the Yeshiva, to contact the dean of that girls’ school, that book would have
instantly disappeared. So why did they sit and fume so long among themselves? I
realized that Rabbi Kotler and those rabbis were fighters. And fighters fight. I
determined that I, too, would be a fighter. In a few years, I began furious
attacks on what I felt were bad mistakes made in matters of marriage and
divorce.
Years later, I taught a class in Monsey, NY, and the senior rabbi
in America, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, who was the major authority in Jewish law,
would often visit Monsey with his wife, because his daughter was the wife of
the rabbi of the synagogue there. I was terrified talking to Rabbi Feinstein,
but I used my chutspah to ask him many questions, and he answered them.
Eventually, I started rapping on the door of the rabbi of the synagogue who was
his son-in-law, and he was kind enough to admit me to the house where Rabbi
Moshe Feinstein responded to all of my questions.
I recall the time that I asked him a difficult question, for which
he flipped out a gemora and turned to the page he wanted, and was he shocked:
It was a page off! The great rabbis in that generation liked to identify the
correct page in the Talmud exactly, and if they were off even a page, it was
terrible!
I began writing books in English and Hebrew on difficult Talmudic
subjects, and Rabbi Feinstein presented me with a written approbation that
said, “I know Rabbi Eidensohn for many years as one who delves deeply into
complex Talmudic teaching.” That is the ultimate compliment from the major
expert in Jewish law of the generation. I received a similar paper from the
great rabbi Rav Yaacov Kaminetsky, who at the time lived in Monsey, NY where I
lived.
I present here something I once heard in a talk from Rav Yaacov
Kaminetsky. He lamented the decline of the generations, from the very great to
the lesser rabbis. He then said, “Do we have the right to say that we are no
longer in the same league with the great sages of yesteryear? No. Today, we
don’t even have the right to say that we are not worthy. And so, the
generations just continue to decline until heaven reveals a happier world.”
I mentioned before regarding Rabbi Moshe Feinstein that the senior
European rabbis were supposed to know every page in the Talmud perfectly
together with the deeper ideas on it and all statements about that topic in the
entire Torah literature. When Rabbi Feinstein, in his older age, was off one
page, he was stunned. A similar story took place with Rabbi Yaacov Kaminetsky,
which took place after he had a serious stroke, which left him very depressed.
He, at the youngest age, had already read much of the bible and memorized every
word which he would easily recite to anyone interested. Now he was advanced in
the nineties and had a stroke. People said, “He cannot learn as he once did,
and as a result, he wants to die, but his soul won’t release his body.”
In this state, people really feared praying for Rabbi Kaminetsky,
but we did, and he was now sitting outside in Monsey when I came with another
person to visit him and encourage him.
When we came, the person with me who was a prominent rabbi, told
Rabbi Kaminetsky that I want to tell him a Torah interpretation. He accepted it
and I told him that the Torah reading of the time was about Moshe about to die.
Rashi, a major commentator, writes that Moshe lost the ability of his great
wisdom at that time, just prior to his death. I asked, “If Moshe lost his great
wisdom just prior to his death, how was it possible for him to, without wisdom,
write the most difficult sections of the bible, without wisdom?”
Rabbi Kaminetsky became furious because he thought I was making fun
of him. But I continued and answered my question: “Rabbi! Moshe was Torah!”
Rabbi Kaminetsky heard that and accepted my good thoughts, that he, with a
terrible stroke, and without his great wisdom, “was Torah” and could continue
with heavenly help what his mind could no longer produce. Not long after that a
dear friend of Rabbi Kaminetsky came to visit him and I left, but I always
praise heaven that I merited to make Rabbi Kaminetsky happy and accept his
situation, as he, with his stroke and loss of his previous mastery of the
Talmud, “was Torah” and should be rightfully proud, that he was now as Moshe
the master servant of HaShem. And whatever Moshe had to say, he said, although
it was not produced by his native brilliance, but by the miracle of HaShem
feeding him the Torah itself.
I am now about eighty years old, and I don’t remember what I used to.
But when I sit down and clack out answers to serious questions on difficult
parts of the Torah, I look at what I just wrote, and I say, “That is not from
me. That is from HaShem.” And it is.
And now a very personal aside about me and my wife who are both
pushing eighty. For about fifty years my wife supported the family and I was
free to study Torah and write books. But finally, my wife realized that
dragging around heavy boxes was not going to last and she is closing her
business. When I realized that, I felt responsible to fill the gap and make
some money. I prayed to HaShem and said, “I once raised money for my books by
rapping on doors a few hours a week. But now I can no longer do this. I pray to
You to find some source of money from You that I cannot produce on my own.”
Right afterwards I received a letter from a gentile woman who wrote
about marriage in a prominent group of experts. She wanted to write for my blog
on marriage and divorce and family or offer me the option to send her an
article to be published in some major magazine. I wrote an article about a
fictional character whose parents sent him to Hebrew school most of the day but
also trained him in making money. When he came to marriageable age, he was
quite wealthy from selling properties and encouraging parents to buy lots on
his properties. He encouraged the parents to do as his parents, to teach their
children schooling and how to make money.
I then received a letter from the editor of the organization that
the lady who first wrote me belonged. The editor asked me for a picture and a
small blurb about my life for the magazine they would send my article to. Other
people I spoke to made other suggestions how I could make money with my
writings.
If anyone has questions on family or marriage, etc., they can
contact me at eidensohnd@gmail.com
or 845-578-1917. I cannot promise to reply quickly to all questions, but I can
try. If anyone is in a position to help support my writings and books, please
let me know and I will be most appreciative. Shalom, David Eidensohn
[1] See
Teshuvose of Ramo 36 and especially 96. Rambam only says we force a GET when
the wife complains about the husband but does not ask for a GET, but if she
asks for a GET we do not force the husband to divorce her.
[2] See
Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 154.1 If the husband acquires a terrible smell and
the wife demands a divorce she is within her rights. The evil smell is obvious
to the rabbis and everybody who smells it, and is not the invention of the
wife.
[3] See
above mentioned Teshuvose of Ramo 36 and 96. Lengthy discussions are there that
touch on these kind of problems without clear and solid solutions other than
quoting various senior commentators and referring the actual matter to senior
rabbis of the time of the questions. This is the problem with these problems.
Who knows the solution? What we get basically from this is that marriage
doesn’t always work, and escaping a broken marriage is not always easy or even
always possible.
