Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn/845-578-1917/eidensohnd@gmail.com

Broken Marriages and Derech Erets Today

The Mishneh in Sota 49 tells of two periods in Jewish suffering. One, in ancient times, when Roman armies destroyed Israel. Two, just prior to the coming of Moshiach, when Derech Erets, respect for another will weaken. Even respect for the elders of our families will decline or disappear. We are living in that time, the “footsteps of the Moshiach” and we all know what is happening: the destruction of many families. No longer are we shocked when we hear of a Torah family engaged in hate and worse.

These two periods began thousands of years after Creation. But we find in the very beginning of the Book of Eliyohu HaNovi, of Elijah the Prophet, a discussion of the first sins, of Adam in the Garden of Eden. These sins began in the very beginning, right about when Adam was created. And the first major teaching of the Book of Eliyohu HaNovi is that Derech Erets precedes the Torah! How great is Derech Erets. And yet, prior to the Coming of Moshiach, the Satan will be given the power to enter our homes and destroy Derech Erets, even so far as to cause us to insult elders of our family as stated in the above gemora!

If today we are shocked by the large number of broken families and divorces, we are living in the second phase mentioned above, when Derech Erets will decline and family will suffer. It is important that we know this, because when a person marries and suffers disappointment, the failing can produce shame and bitterness. The shame and the bitterness is part of the package of the terrible time before the coming of Moshiach. The decline in respect for family is part of the problem. We need a lot of prayer and trust that “there is nobody to help us but our Father in Heaven” and He can help. However, times have changed. We need prayer and hope that things will improve, and we must not despair when they don’t. Rather we must continue to turn to HaShem even in our times, and trust in the ultimate Redemption.

Recently I was told about  two ladies complete strangers to each other, who took upon themselves to make organizations to support women undergoing problems in marriage and family. Some of these suffering women were emotionally drained and destroyed, but when they came together and turned to HaShem, they found new strength and ability to continue. These organizations are “holy of holies” to support broken people in times of great emotional and social tumult. May they help people and may they merit to grow and strengthen more and more people who are very much in need of encouragement.

Let us study various sources about the End of Days. We want to know how people who fall and fail can find hope and the strength to continue. We will read about ancients and their struggles with sin and penitence. We will discover important facts that are hidden in biblical stories, and these hidden facts when revealed explain a lot.

After all that we will see and study in various sources, we must not forget the need for every community to organize encouragement for those on the wrong side of the End of Days. If anyone is too embarrassed to do these things, please call me at 845-578-1917.

Teachings of Eliyohu HaNovi About Family and Derech Erets

               

Let us study the teachings of Eliyohu HaNov about Derech Erets and family. We  have already above mentioned briefly the teaching that Derech Erets precedes the Torah. Now we turn to another teaching of Eliyohu the Prophet, not in his Book, but in the book of the Prophet Malachi[1]. Malachi was the concluding prophet of the Minor Prophets, those without large printed prophecies. (See footnote)

Let us look at the end of the prophecy of Malachi when he speaks about Elijah the Prophet. Speaking G-d’s decree Malachi states, “Behold I will send to you Elijah the Prophet before the coming of the great and fearful day. And he will restore the hearts of fathers to their sons, and the heart of the sons to their father, lest I come and smite the land and destroy it.” There is a custom in writing Holy Teachings never to conclude on a negative note, but now there is a negative and very threatening note. But here we are talking about a violation of Derech Erets, and respect between fathers and sons. A violation of Derech Erets between fathers and sons causes us to ignore the rules.

The threat by G-d to destroy the world is perhaps unique. But we are not surprised at this when we deal with a violation of Derech Erets, especially Derech Erets in the family. Yes, Derech Erets precedes the Torah. And violation of Derech Erets can destroy the world.

We turn now back to the beginning of the Book of Eliyohu HaNovi, and its passages about Derech Erets and Torah.

The Book of Eliyohu HaNovi[2] begins: “’And He drove out the man [Adam]’ this teaches that He [G‑d] gave him a divorce as if he was a woman.” Adam sinned in the Garden of Eden and was driven away. Why not just say “Adam was driven out of the Garden of Eden”? Why did the Book of Eliyohu have to add “This teaches that He gave him a divorce as if he was a woman”? Also, in Hebrew the phrase “And He drove out the man” does not imply a woman being divorced. The wordויגרש  means simply “and he drove away”. And while the term can also apply to driving away a wife with a divorce, in what way was Adam’s punishment to leave the Garden of Eden a divorce as one divorces a woman? Furthermore, the phrase had nothing to do with women, because the one driven away was Adam. So just what is the message here that Adam was driven away like a woman?

Furthermore, the entire story of the sins of Adam and Eve is not clearly explained. Indeed as we will see later the passage of Adam being punished with toil of the field has nothing to do with being driven from the Garden of Eden. It was clearly done to keep Adam from eating the Tree of Life and live forever. Now, what does that have to do with being driven away like a woman?

After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they had to leave the Garden of Eden and live with suffering. The biblical passages of G‑d punishing Adam and Eve are one passage in Beraishis III:16 for Eve, and three passages for Adam, from Ber. III:17-19. This gives us four passages of punishment for people who were created to live in the Garden of Eden. What follows these punishing passages? Passage III:20 says, “And Adam called the name of his wife Chavo, because she was the mother of all life. The next passage says, “And the L‑d G‑d made for Adam and his wife garments of leather and He dressed them.”

Now, Chavo or Eve started the whole chaos that damagedl human beings forever. What does Adam do, after he realizes what his wife did to him? Does he rant and rave about her? No, he honors her with a name Chavo that means life, because she is the mother of the human race. Are we missing something? Yes. We are missing something very important, and it is there in the passage quoted by the Book of Elijah, that we have our first inkling of what the Creation story is really all about.

There is a gemora in Avoda Zoro 4b and 5a that talks about the hideous sins done by the greatest Jews. We are told about the Golden Calf built by Aharon the High Priest the brother of Moses that led to Jews worshipping the Golden Calf. Also, David caused the death of a soldier and took his wife with force. These sins, building a Golden Calf and worshipping it right after the Torah was given by G‑d at Sinai, and David’s terrible sins, seem to consign the sinners to perdition in this world and the next.

But in fact the opposite happens. In the Future World, the few greatest saints will sit at the table, and who recites Grace? King David. And what about the Jews who sinned at the Building of the Golden Calf and those who worshipped it? Are the Jews demoted by G-d? Not at all. Yes, Jews are always getting caught doing bad things, like the Golden Calf and such things, but G-d knows exactly what people are capable of doing in terms of sin, and He accepts the Jewish people and hopes that they will return to Him with teshuva, penitence. Yes, the purpose of the world, and of life, was not to produce perfect people. It was to produce sinners who repent. That is the purpose of Creation. The gemora explains that in order to establish this primacy of penitence, the greatest Jews in Jewish history were brought to commit hideous sins, and were encouraged to make true penitence, and G-d forgave them.[3] He forgave them and restored their high honor, because they were doing what He wanted for Creation, true and deep penitence.

Now we understand why Adam responds to his passages of punishment by announcing the glory of his wife, the one who destroyed him. If life is about sin and teshuva, Adam was right on target. Perhaps Adam realized that if his wife went out on his wedding day to have some experience with a Snake, that it was his fault, for not treating his wife with enough warmth and love. And when the portals of punishment opened upon Adam, he turned immediately to his sin with his wife, of not showing her proper love and care, and announced that he and all people would always honor her for being the mother of all human life. That is the way of penitence, for humans who have evil inclinations but don’t despair when they fail. They pray for forgiveness and if they do it properly are forgiven.

There is another aspect of this which is important to mention, even if we don’t get around to  understanding it properly, because it is after all part of the mystical Creation story. We see that Eve sinned and so did Adam. How could people created by G‑d in the Garden of Eden sin because some Snake tells them to defy G‑d? Basically, angels have no evil inclination. People do. There are furthermore, good angels and some bad angels, because the purpose of Creation was to test people with evil, and for that there are evil angels, such as the Satan, who is only evil because since people need to be tested by evil angels, the Satan does what he is told.

 On a deeper level the literature tells us that Adam and Eve dealt with evil angels very early in the Creation story, and some of it stuck to them.[4] There was therefore a flaw in their marriage, brought about by the angel in  heaven whose job it was to entice people and the angel’s husband who was the Angel of Death and terrified Eve until she ate the forbidden fruit.[5] The exposure of Adam and Eve to evil was part of the Divine Plan to test people with great evil forces, and that is life, where failures are common, but the show goes on with penitence, and we have a lot to repent for. We don’t anticipate coming to the Other World perfect, but we do hope to have some penitence, some pain that pays our way, and a life that is filled with problems that will help minimize our sins when we stand in judgment

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[1] Malachi is the last of the biblical Twelve minor prophets. Minor prophets had smaller biblical publications than major prophets, but in prophecy they could be greater than major prophets. The Book of Malachi a minor prophet is about four pages, and the Book of Isaiah, a major prophet, is 64 pages. The gemora in Pesachim 87a says that Hoshea was greater in prophecy than Isaiah. However, Hoshea has a small place in the biblical narratives of prophecy despite being greater than Isaiah in prophecy.

[2] Tano Divei Eliyohu beginning of Chapter One

[3]Hakdomas haZohar 8A, see also Ore Yokor Shaar 2 Simon 2 page 78

[4] See Ore Yokor from Reb Moshe Kordevora Shaar IV:Simon 13 page 69 in my version.

[5] Yonasan ben Uziel Ber. I:5

Great Sin and Great Penitence

Great Penitence Atones for Great Sin

                                   

The gemora in Avoda Zora 4b and 5a teaches that the purpose of Creation was not to make perfect people, which obviously never happened, but to create people who sin and repent. True repentance is the purpose of Creation. That is proven when King David, who murdered a man and raped his wife, is honored to recite the Grace among the greatest saints in the Future World. Why did David merit this? Because the purpose of Creation was penitence, and immediately when the prophet rebuked David for his terrible sin, he devoted his life to penitence and to teaching others about penitence. Now obviously when a murderer hears about sin and punishment and mumbles, “I am sorry” we are not satisfied with his penitence, which much be really powerful and sincere, and may take years to achieve if ever. David did repent properly, and for his penitence, he merited the honor to lead the services among the greatest saints in the Future World.

If the purpose of life was not perfection but penitence, we can look into perhaps the oldest book of the Torah after the Prophets, the Book of Rabbi Eliezar ben Hurkenuse. Rabbo Eliezar was the student of  Rabbi Yochana ben Zackai, who lived at the time of the Destruction of the Temple, and saved the Torah in his meeting with the Roman conqueror, when he said, “Give me Yavneh and its sages.”

Rabbi Eliezar’s book contains many deep ideas. In the beginning of the book [in my volume it is page 6A] he writes that when G‑d decided to create the world He organized it and failed to sustain it. Because something was missing the world could not survive being created. Finally, G‑d created  penitence, teshuva, and the world found what it needed to exist properly. Thus, teshuva was not just a secondary element of Creation, but rather, without teshuva the world would simply collapse into nothing. The gemora in Avoda Zora 4b and 5a simply reinforce this with stories about the Israelites at Sinai who worshipped the Golden Calf and yet G‑d accepted their teshuva, and David who sinned with Bas Sheva and her husband, and remained a saint due to his teshuva.

Rabbi Eliezar adds there that seven things were created before the world could be created. The sixth thing was teshuva and the seventh thing was the Name of the Messiah. We don’t know how important the Name of Moshiach is or will be, but we have an idea from the above gemora in Avoda Zora how important teshuva is.

When Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, whereas they had very high souls, being created physically and spiritually by G‑d Himself, they realized that the purpose of life was penitence, and after their sin, they got right to work. Recall the passage says that “And he drove out the man” meaning according to the Book of Eliyohu “like a woman.” A man is married. Usually, a marriage begins happily, but down the road can come problems, and there can be a divorce. This divorce is a tragedy and the Altar in the Temple cries for it. The key is to rectify the problem, the divorce, which rends heaven and earth. Adam’s sin and being driven away had one purpose, to create the capacity in Adam to repent properly. He began that immediately by honoring his wife that she was the mother of all human life. She, who ruined his life by her dealing with the Snake in the Garden of Eden, was honored by Adam who suffered terribly from her. But he realized that now was not the time to blame people, that G‑d had given him one wife and would not create another one after he was expelled from the Garden. Therefore, Adam turned to Eve to make peace with her instead of the anger he may have felt for her dealing with the Snake and getting them both expelled from the Garden of Eden. By so doing, by accepting his wife’s errors and sins, Adam took a major step in penitence that restored him from the being driven from the Garden. And it is exactly in that discussion in the Book of Elijah, that begins with Adam’s “divorce like a woman” that concludes with the incredible statement that Derech Erets is greater than the Torah and is greater than the Tree of Life! Derech Erets teaches us to honor other people, and that is often quite a trick. Of course, when people are married and somebody does something terrible, forgiving is not easy. But Derech Erets requires us to honor others, even people who deserve something worse than honor.

Those who learn musar deeply, and are constantly studying their good and bad deeds and seeking improvement, have an idea of dealing with shame and humiliation. Once a person who worked hard to improve himself was on a boat sailing through the seas. He occupied a birth in the ship and looked up and saw a man standing above and treating him like a toilet. Afterwards, people were amazed to see that he emerged full of happiness, in fact, he was thrilled by what happened! People wanted an explanation and he said, that he studies Musar, and one of the great levels of Musar is to accept suffering from other people. The true level of musar is when one suffers greatly from a humiliation done by another person, even a vicious act, and he senses not hate, not bitterness, not sense of seeking revenge. When he realized he had fulfilled his Musar task, a lifelong ambition, he was thrilled and filled with happiness.

I don’t know if Adam and Eve studies Musar, but when they dealt regularly with G‑d who created them and sustained them, we can assume that they had a lot of Musar going for them.

Perfect Righteousness and Great Penitence

                                   

The gemora in Avoda Zora 4b and 5a teaches that the purpose of Creation was not to make perfect people, which obviously never happened, but to create people who sin and repent. True repentance is the purpose of Creation. That is proven when King David, who murdered a man and raped his wife, is honored to recite the Grace among the greatest saints in the Future World. Why did David merit this? Because the purpose of Creation was penitence, and immediately when the prophet rebuked David for his terrible sin, he devoted his life to penitence and to teaching others about penitence. Now obviously when a murderer hears about sin and punishment and mumbles, “I am sorry” we are not satisfied with his penitence, which much be really powerful and sincere, and may take years to achieve if ever. David did repent properly, and for his penitence, he merited the honor to lead the services among the greatest saints in the Future World.

If the purpose of life was not perfection but penitence, we can look into perhaps the oldest book of the Torah after the Prophets, the Book of Rabbi Eliezar ben Hurkenuse. Rabbo Eliezar was the student of  Rabbi Yochana ben Zackai, who lived at the time of the Destruction of the Temple, and saved the Torah in his meeting with the Roman conqueror, when he said, “Give me Yavneh and its sages.”

Rabbi Eliezar’s book contains many deep ideas. In the beginning of the book [in my volume it is page 6A] he writes that when G‑d decided to create the world He organized it and failed to sustain it. Because something was missing the world could not survive being created. Finally, G‑d created  penitence, teshuva, and the world found what it needed to exist properly. Thus, teshuva was not just a secondary element of Creation, but rather, without teshuva the world would simply collapse into nothing. The gemora in Avoda Zora 4b and 5a simply reinforce this with stories about the Israelites at Sinai who worshipped the Golden Calf and yet G‑d accepted their teshuva, and David who sinned with Bas Sheva and her husband, and remained a saint due to his teshuva.

Rabbi Eliezar adds there that seven things were created before the world could be created. The sixth thing was teshuva and the seventh thing was the Name of the Messiah. We don’t know how important the Name of Moshiach is or will be, but we have an idea from the above gemora in Avoda Zora how important teshuva is.

When Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, whereas they had very high souls, being created physically and spiritually by G‑d Himself, they realized that the purpose of life was penitence, and after their sin, they got right to work. Recall the passage says that “And he drove out the man” meaning according to the Book of Eliyohu “like a woman.” A man is married. Usually, a marriage begins happily, but down the road can come problems, and there can be a divorce. This divorce is a tragedy and the Altar in the Temple cries for it. The key is to rectify the problem, the divorce, which rends heaven and earth. Adam’s sin and being driven away had one purpose, to create the capacity in Adam to repent properly. He began that immediately by honoring his wife that she was the mother of all human life. She, who ruined his life by her dealing with the Snake in the Garden of Eden, was honored by Adam who suffered terribly from her. But he realized that now was not the time to blame people, that G‑d had given him one wife and would not create another one after he was expelled from the Garden. Therefore, Adam turned to Eve to make peace with her instead of the anger he may have felt for her dealing with the Snake and getting them both expelled from the Garden of Eden. By so doing, by accepting his wife’s errors and sins, Adam took a major step in penitence that restored him from the being driven from the Garden. And it is exactly in that discussion in the Book of Elijah, that begins with Adam’s “divorce like a woman” that concludes with the incredible statement that Derech Erets is greater than the Torah and is greater than the Tree of Life! Derech Erets teaches us to honor other people, and that is often quite a trick. Of course, when people are married and somebody does something terrible, forgiving is not easy. But Derech Erets requires us to honor others, even people who deserve something worse than honor.

Those who learn musar deeply, and are constantly studying their good and bad deeds and seeking improvement, have an idea of dealing with shame and humiliation. Once a person who worked hard to improve himself was on a boat sailing through the seas. He occupied a birth in the ship and looked up and saw a man standing above and treating him like a toilet. Afterwards, people were amazed to see that he emerged full of happiness, in fact, he was thrilled by what happened! People wanted an explanation and he said, that he studies Musar, and one of the great levels of Musar is to accept suffering from other people. The true level of musar is when one suffers greatly from a humiliation done by another person, even a vicious act, and he senses not hate, not bitterness, not sense of seeking revenge. When he realized he had fulfilled his Musar task, a lifelong ambition, he was thrilled and filled with happiness.

I don’t know if Adam and Eve studies Musar, but when they dealt regularly with G‑d who created them and sustained them, we can assume that they had a lot of Musar going for them.

Men and Women, Who is Superior?

Today a major problem is gender relations. Woman assert themselves, and often the man is a victim of the gender war. It used to be when I was young about fifty plus years ago, that I never heard of somebody getting divorced until high school, when a judge did something scandalous and his wife divorced him. But divorces because two people didn’t get along I don’t recall. However, in recent times, women have organized, they have gotten a lot of backing and a lot of money, and they announce to the world, “Orthodox Feminism”  or just plain Feminism or just plain whatever they say to declare their strength and gender relations. Men are embarrassed to fight with women, and most of them don’t or if they do they may regret it, especially when the secular courts and society back ladies. So let us take a look at gender issues from a Torah perspective. Is there another way?

The gemora in Berochose 17A states, “Greater is the trust that G‑d has promised to women more than [what He promised] to men, as it says, ‘women of trust, hearken to My voice’.” There is a gemora in Menochose 29b that there are few Tsadikim [great in righteousness] in heaven, which probably means men, because the ladies are assured of paradise as we noted before.

I recall many years ago in Baltimore that somebody noted, “Non-Orthodox Jews are split in their Jewish activities. Men choose non-Jewish organizations and women choose Jewish organizations.” I don’t claim to have the facts and figures, but if I had to guess, I would choose the women as faithful Jewesses over the general picture of men. I did see some statistics recently about the huge amount of intermarriage going on, and an Israeli politician said that if this continues only the Orthodox will remain in Israel. So the issue is not so much men and women in the modern secular world, because with all of the intermarriage, the only ones who will remain will be the Orthodox. But as I go back fifty or sixty years, there was a different climate. The secular Jew was not secular in the sense of intermarrying. In fact, the Yeshivas were supported mostly by secular Jews who had a Jewish heart. I remember when a wealthy Jew, Mr. Himmelfarb in Washington, sent a $5,000 check to my Yeshiva, Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim of Baltimore. The Yeshiva contacted him and asked for a personal meeting that was successful. Again, the non-Orthodox Jews with Jewish hearts were the only ones around in my childhood who could give big money, and they kept the Yeshivas from complete collapse, because who else had big money? Now there are many wealthy Orthodox Jews, and I don’t know how many Jews of heart are out there in the secular world.

Our teaching in the gemora is that Jewish women are connected to G‑d more than men, and they have G-d’s promise and trust more than men. In pure gender statistics, mark one for the ladies.

When I married, I had more energy than I have today, and I used to give long talks on Shabbos to my family. I spoke about the Jewish attitude towards women.  One of my favorite proofs was the Matriarchs versus the Patriarchs. Abraham wanted to keep Ishmael his son in the family, but Sora wanted him out. G‑d told Abraham, “Everything that Sora tells  you hearken to her voice.” That means, says Rashi, everything, because she was greater than her husband Abraham in prophecy. What would have happened to the Jewish people if Ishmael had remained in the family and would have been the senior son because Isaac was born much later. Well, we know that Ishmael was a fighter and had quarrels with everyone, and what kind of Jewish nation would that be?

 Next generation of male and female was Isaac and Rebecca. Isaac wanted to bless Esau and Rebecca got the blessings for Jacob. Can we imagine what kind of family Jews would be if Esau had been the senior of the Jewish people? The Torah and Rashi tell us that his wives were pagans who insulted Rebecca, and Esau himself was a horror how he acted. How did the Jewish people survive? Only from the women.

 Next generation was another struggle who would be the boss of the Jewish people, when Jacob preferred Rachel but somehow ended up with Leah. Leah eventually had more children than any other wife of Jacob, and her children were the great Jewish families. From Leah came Judah and the Jewish monarchy, Levi and the priesthood and the service in the Temple, also the great scholars of the Jewish people and those who supported these great scholars. If Jacob had succeeded he would have had Rachel as the main wife, but she had only one son and her second son was born as she died. Furthermore, Rachel was responsible for Jacob marrying Leah, because Rachel knew that if she married Jacob and not Leah, that Leah would be humiliated. Thus, the ladies saved the Jewish people, once again.

History is on the side of the ladies. G‑d’s trust and promise is with the ladies. And let us continue with Jewish history, when we find that the father of Moshe divorced his wife when Pharaoh decreed on the death of Jewish male babies. Miriam convinced her father to remarry his wife, and Moses was born. Who saved Moses from drowning in the river? Miriam and her mother. When the Jews left Egypt, the females led by Miriam brought musical instruments because they were sure that G‑d would save and protect the Jews. When the Egyptians were drowned in the sea as they attempted to attack the Jewish camp and bring them back to Egypt, Miriam and the ladies danced and sang and played musical instruments. The men just stood there and recited a few lines of praise. The men did not bring musical instruments from Egypt, they brought weapons, which were at that point useless. Mark another one for the ladies.

 When Moses went to heaven to receive the Torah from G‑d, the remaining Jews built the Golden Calf and some worshipped it. Aharon the brother of Moses was blamed for making the Golden Calf. But the women did not worship it. Let’s give another check to the ladies for their trust in G‑d, and the men, well, anyway.

Just one more point here. The Jews had many leaders throughout the generations. Only one was perfect, Devorah, who led the Jews in judgment and war. No men were perfect. Let us now turn to the Creation story, the sins of Adam and Eve, and the power of penitence.

Moon Women in the Creation Story Before Women Were Created

When the Book of Elijah begins with the discussion of Adam being driven like a woman from the Garden of Eden, it was not trying to pour on the pain and the shame of the sinners who used to live in the Garden of Eden. Let us state briefly here that the idea of being a woman is a central theme of the Creation story, as Rashi states and as is indicated by the various female and male terms used for heaven at that time. Briefly here, the beginning of the Creation story is a story about the superiority of women. The strangest teaching I ever saw in the Talmud is about the argument between G‑d and the Moon. It seems that the Sun and Moon in the earliest phase of Creation were of equal luminosity. The Moon, a female, wanted to lower the power of the Sun, who was a male, and make herself the sole strong light. She argued but G‑d did not agree, and so the Moon was frustrated, especially when G‑d instructed her “Go and reduce yourself” which was the opposite of what she wanted.[1]

What is really amazing is that after the long debate between the female Moon and G‑d,  G-d said: Bring a sacrifice for Me because I made the Moon small. We see from this that G‑d accorded the demands of the Moon with great respect, despite His decision to deny them. Of course, the Sun and Moon who are depicted as male and female were not humans at all, but rather angels whose job it was to keep the world functioning for humans who would receive the Torah. When we accord the Moon the status of an angel, we are amazed at the pure chutzpah to argue with G‑d to such a degree that she did not give in an inch. We cannot understand why G‑d declared that for denying her demands to shrink the Sun and to leave her the sole major light, He must bring a sacrifice! Now, to a simple person like me, it sounds like the Moon was spouting pure chutzpah and deserved a good something, but G‑d obviously did not see things that way. He had the greatest respect for her demands, and we surely want to know why. We also want to better understand how an angel who is in charge of the Moon should be a woman and the sun a male.

Let us turn to the Kabbalistic classic Ore Yokor from Rav Moshe Kordevero zt”l, who was eulogized by the Ari z”l that he never sinned and did not die for his failures, but for the general situation where people live and die, and some die without any sin. On page 185 (Shaar 6. Simon 32 beginning - I will make for him a helpmate opposite him) we learn that male or Adam is Kindness, and female is Gevurose, or strength, power, and conquest. Now this does not sound like a regular male or female, but this was the status of Creation.

Let us take a look at Rashi in the first passage in the Torah, the Creation story. Rashi notes that the first passage in the Torah is “In the beginning ELOKIM created the heavens and the earth.” Later on, Rashi notes, in the beginning of chapter two, the Torah changes the Name of G-d from Elokim to HaShem Elokim. Rashi explains that Elokim means strict justice and punishment. This was the Name of the first chapter of the Torah, the Creation of the entire world in seven days. It was done with the female level of justice and strength. Bu G‑d saw that such a world filled with justice and strength would wipe out the wicked, and what would happen to the world? Therefore, in chapter two of the Torah, we see a change from ELOKIM to HASHEM ELOKIM, HASHEM means “the Name” which is a hint to the ineffable Name that is not pronounced. It is a level of mercy, not rigid justice. Rashi explains that if the world existed with ELOKIM or justice it could not exist because of the sins of mortals. Therefore, after the Creation of seven days and the world and its people and animals, the system of Creation was changed from rigid justice ELOKIM to a compromise with mercy HaShem.

The MOON was female and the pure female essence is rigid justice, wipe out the wicked, etc. The MOON noticed that the world had two equally powerful suns, the MOON, her, and the male SUN. She noticed that the world was created in the first chapter of Creation with the female level of ELOKIM and she demanded that G‑d accept this by denigrating the male mercy level of the SUN. She was right, but her level would lead to destruction of the world. Therefore, G‑d recognized that she was right as proven by the word ELOKIM used throughout the first chapter of the Torah and the Creation story. And yet, G‑d did not accept a world that would be destroyed. And what He did was as follows: There would be two systems for the Creation. One level and system for ordinary people, and one for the righteous.

The righteous would live with the female level of justice and be punished in this world for their sins. Ordinary people would live in a world where justice is joined with mercy, otherwise ordinary people would not last. If so, the MOON was for the righteous people, and the SUN for the ordinary people. G‑d acknowledged this by stating “bring a sacrifice for Me because I refused the request of the Moon.” G‑d realized that His refusal to recognize the first phase of the Creation to destroy wickedness and sustain rigid righteousness was a valid problem for the Moon who was created for rigid righteousness, the level of the first chapter of the Torah and Creation. However, the world required two levels to avoid general destruction for people who were not exceedingly pious.

In the end, the Moon female was diminished and along with her the female who struggles with the power of men. But women are closer to G‑d and piety than men, and are closer to Heaven than men. But their struggles in this world, with the clash between the first and second chapters of the Torah, indicate a problem for women in this world, although it guarantees them a higher place than men with G‑d, which is the ultimate purpose of Creation. The gender realities are different between men and women and who is to understand them? Even the angel of Genesis call the Moon was befuddled by it, so what can we expect to understand? We have to understand  that we don’t understand, but G‑d does understand.

Before we leave this topic and find a lot of confused people in our wake, let me turn to a related topic, but one that is not obviously related to it, but one that is very strongly related to our subject.

In our daily prayers, in the beginning after introductory prayers, we come to the beginning of the main prayers  that begin with Baruch Sheomar. The prayer Baruch Sheomar begins the part of prayer where we are not allowed to speak anything but prayer. Thus it is an elevation over the earlier introductory prayers. After we conclude Baruch Sheomar with a blessing and G‑d’s Name, we come to a passage in of prayer of praise for G‑d, beginning “A song of thanks.” Ostensibly, it appears exactly like all of the Psalms of David and others who wrote praises of G‑d. And yet, incredibly, the Code of Laws on Orach Chaim 51:9 tells us that we must sing this prayer differently than other prayers and Songs of praise because “all of the Songs will be cancelled other than Mizmor LiSoda”. And yet, when we look at the Song of Mizmor LiSoda we see nothing different than the Book of Psalms and other songs to G‑d. So why will all Songs be cancelled except this Song?

I showed this question to various people and got no response. But I have an answer and several people accepted it. We live in the world of finite knowledge. We don’t know G‑d very well, of course, and we understand very little of His plans for us and His processes to deal with us. But all of us suffer problems of some degree, and when something imperfect happens in our lives we say, “I am sure that G‑d meant this to happen for the best.” That is, we have faith in G‑d that He is a G‑d of kindness and our pain is for our own good. But we don’t know this at all, we just have a faith in G‑d’s kindness. A time will come, however, when G‑d will reveal His absolute kindness that will find us in an elevated state whereby we can absorb with our minds the truth of G‑d’s kindness. Then we will see clearly, not on faith, that all of our suffering was for our own good, something that is completely remote from us today and until the higher light is revealed to us in the Future.

The Song Mizmor LiSoda is a Song of Happiness, a happiness that does not proceed from faith, which is a dark thing beyond our finite minds. A Song of Happiness means a true happiness that reveals the heavenly processes of G‑d’s treatment of mortals, their suffering and their problems. In the future, and only then, will mortals realize that our pain in this world was really for our good, not through blind faith, but in the blazing light of heavenly truth which will only be revealed in the Future, when people are worthy to see this Advanced Light and know exactly what G‑d had in mind to help us and make us happy when we suffered.

 Since only Mizmor LiSoda has this capacity, it will stand uniquely in the Future, when all of us will know that our suffering was not accepted on blind faith, but on clear and revealed truth, in the Light of the Future not available now. At that point, our blind faith will be supplanted by revealed Heavenly light of the Future World, and new love of G‑d will supplant the old blind faith.

The Book of Solomon A Song of Songs is about suffering of a woman. Nothing in that book explains anything but simply tells of a woman’s suffering. In the Future World, especially at the time of Mizmor Lisoda being revealed in truth Future World light, that book will explain a lot that is hidden now. But those who merit it will be especially those women whose faith sustained them. These women are those mentioned in the gemora “Greater is the promise of faith that G‑d has for the women than He has for the men.”[2] Only then will the Moon shine with her faith vindicated, along with other women. And G‑d’s pledge to atone for what He did to the woman will be understood in a different and higher light.

---

[1]Chulin 60B

[2] Berochose 17A

Hope for Married Couples (And the Problems)

Contents

Suffering from Roman Armies and From Lack of Derech Erets. 1

Shalom Bayis Beth Din. 2

Problems Accepting the Strictures of Kiddushin. 2

Who Refuses to Marry?. 3

Pilegesh Marriage and Spousal Relationships. 4

A Split in Orthodox Judaism.. 7

The Orthodox Increases and the Hyphenated Orthodox Declines. 7

The Need for Torah and Wealth. 9

Marriage is a Major Move: Not Everyone is Prepared for It. 10

Hope for Married Couples

Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn/845-578-1917

Suffering from Roman Armies and From Lack of Derech Erets

The Mishneh in Sota 49 tells of two periods in Jewish suffering. One, in ancient times, when Roman armies destroyed Israel. Two, a worse period, just prior to the coming of Moshiach, when Derech Erets, respect for another will weaken. Even respect for the elders of our families will decline or disappear. Because “Derech Erets comes before the Torah” as taught in the beginning of the Book of Elijah the Prophet, the loss of Derech Erets is a true catastrophe. And this lack of Derech Erets destroys families.

Thus, in our days, when the Satan is emboldened by his sudden ability to destroy Derech Erets, it is no wonder that families are split. Instead of husband and wife working as taught in Rambam to respect and love each other, we have husband and wife standing apart from each other, hurling hate and ruining the children.

We now have gender war. People advertise that they are Orthodox feminists. Now, what is an Orthodox feminist? Somebody who feels that Orthodoxy requires an aroused female element to contest the other gender, men.

In the early period suffering from Roman legions, and the latter period suffering from a lost Derech Erets,  the Talmud teaches, “And we have nobody to turn to other than our Father in Heaven.” This does not mean there is no hope. It means that our Father in Heaven will never forget or desert us; if we strongly believe and practice that, there is hope. Indeed, it is precisely this great faith in HaShem, at the most impossible time, that opens the gates to Moshiach.

Yes, when family collapses, when Derech Erets departs, even then, the Gates of Heaven are open to those who turn to HaShem.

What can we do to save our families, our marriages, our Derech Erets, our sensitivity to others? We can educate ourselves and our families with Derech Erets and what the Torah requires of us in marriage and family. I once spoke to a man who had separated from his wife for ten years, and now they lived separately, but he would not give her a GET. I suggested that we learn a few lines of the Shulchan Aruch, the Code of Laws, about family and marriage. After a few lines, he exclaimed, “I need a wife!” There are a lot of clever teachings out there, but an Orthodox Jew has a deep respect for the Torah and its written parts, such as the Shulchan Aruch. This brings us to the project of Shalom Bayis Beth Din.

Shalom Bayis Beth Din

I therefore suggest that a program called Shalom Bayis Beth Din be established. A Beth Din in family matters usually concentrates on divorce, who gets the children, who gets the money, when a GET is given, etc. But Shalom Bayis Beth Din is not about divorce, it has nothing to do with divorce, and those on the Beth Din need know nothing about Gittin and divorce. They are only there to save the marriage, not destroy it.

Shalom Bayis Beth Din is simply a program of educating people about Derech Erets and marriage and family. Such an education ideally should begin years before one marries. I told a prominent therapist about my program of Shalom Bayis Beth Din, and suggested that it begin at the age of three. The therapist replied, “It is far too late then. It must begin at the moment of making the soul of the baby and preparing for its arrival in the womb.” Somebody heard this and said that this is a gemora[1], that the soul of a child depends on the love the parents have for each other. Yes, exactly. And that begins very early. And yet, it may take years of training to achieve the proper intimacy that can produce a pure and happy soul of a baby.

Problems Accepting the Strictures of Kiddushin

We now come to another problem that helps to ravage marriage. I am talking about Kiddushin. One who marries with Kiddushin is not free to leave the marriage, surely not the woman or wife, and even the husband or man is somewhat limited. Thus we have many women who cannot tolerate their husbands, and want a divorce, but he won’t give her a GET. Furthermore, a GET, in the vast majority of cases, much be given by the husband willingly, or the GET is invalid. If the woman remarries with a forced GET without the husband’s free will, it is invalid. If the woman remarries with an invalid GET, the babies from the next husband are mamzerim. This in of itself frightens many people who are reluctant to marry with Kiddushin, especially women. And those who do marry with Kiddushin, often live to regret it. When their pain becomes public knowledge it weakens the enthusiasm of others, especially women, to marry with Kiddushin.

Those trapped in marriage and realize that their lives are over with, may decide, and some women do, to give up their Orthodox religion, at least until they get a GET. Somebody told me about a person who goes around counseling women from broken marriages. When the women have no hope of living with their husband they get what they need from him in a hideous manner. Thus, Kiddushin can be a portal to Gehenum.

Some declare that any husband who refuses to give a GET is torturing his wife. From this follows the idea that people should pressure and humiliate the husband and do worse things until he is forced to give his wife a GET. Others suggest prenups, having the husband sign a document that when the wife demands a GET he must give it immediately or pay a large sum of money each month or week until he has no choice but to give a GET. I just want to say, as one who has semicha to have a Beth Din of Gittin from the Gaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”L, that forcing a GET from a man is usually forbidden, and if done, produces an invalid GET, which if used to remarry, produces mamzerim. I also want to say, that there is a clear proof from the Mishneh in Nedarim 90b, that a prenup is forbidden, as is any device that enables a woman to force her husband to give her a GET on demand. Somebody “proves” from the Nachalas Shiva that prenups are permitted. But there it is talking about a woman who was abused by her husband and she ran away to her father’s house. The husband is forced by a Beth Din to support her expenses for food while she is away from her husband’s house and staying with her father. This money was not designed to force a GET. It was designed to force the husband and wife to report to Beth Din a few weeks maximum after the wife ran out of the house when the husband abused her. The money the husband gives his wife is only to pay for her food in her father’s house because the husband drove her there with his abuse. It has nothing to do with forcing every husband to honor his wife’s demand for a GET any time she makes it, something clearly forbidden by the Mishneh in Nedarim 90b.

Who Refuses to Marry?

Who may marry with Kiddushin? What kind of question is that? Of course, every Jewish man and woman may marry with Kiddushin. But this is not so simple. Take, for instance, today, when many people are frightened of Kiddushin. They see what happens to many women whose husbands won’t give them a GET, and they are ruined for life. Some women are not married at all, but are frightened by the rules of Kiddushin. They are not strong enough to accept living with a husband they hate forever. They are not strong enough to accept a life of misery with such a husband. Therefore, they are reluctant to marry in the first place, because they fear a failed marriage with no escape.

The fear of Kiddushin is a very important item on our agenda of discussing problems in marriage. If a person is truly afraid of Kiddushin, what are they to do? Let us imagine that a lady had a bad marriage, and perhaps, after much patience, horror, and despair, finally gets a kosher GET, given willingly by the husband or given by the husband for a sum of money from the wife. Now people suggest to this lady various men. Is she ready for Kiddushin? Is she ready to go through what she already tasted because of the rules of Kiddushin, or not?

At this point, allow me to comment on this woman’s decision. It all depends on whether or not the woman is able to struggle with Kiddushin another time, with no GET until the husband finally decides to give one willingly, or perhaps the husband will accept a large sum of money to give a GET. What do I say about this? I say as follows: If the woman is ready to take a chance, and maybe be ruined for life, with a living husband who refuses to give her a GET, then she may, in terms of halacha, marry with Kiddushin. If the woman cannot really be sure that she will last the rest of her life with a husband she hates, she is forbidden to marry with Kiddushin! I feel this is obvious, but I was told that a major posek in Israel said this. Again, a woman may not marry with Kiddushin unless she is positive that no matter what, she will never violate the rules of Kiddushin. This means, if the marriage sours, and the husband is the opposite of what she wants, she must not seek release from the husband by forcing him to give a GET against his will. She will not go with the organization of ORA who don’t obey the Shulchan Aruch that one may not force a GET in the vast majority of cases.

Again, a woman who will honor Kiddushin to the end, no matter what, may marry with Kiddushin. But a woman who doubts this, and knows she may finally go to a rabbi who permits forcing the husband to give a GET without his true will, should not marry with Kiddushin.

But if she cannot marry with Kiddushin, should she remain alone, with a dead marriage? That is also forbidden, as a Jewish man and woman may not live alone but are commanded to have more children and not live alone. But here is a woman who cannot marry with Kiddushin, because she is not strong enough to be sure that she will honor it properly. She is also forbidden to live alone without an active husband. So what can she do? There is one solution. The answer is that she should marry a man with Pilegesh marriage, and we will explain what Pilegesh marriage means.

Pilegesh Marriage and Spousal Relationships

Pilegesh marriage means that the husband and wife are completely married, but the husband or wife can leave the marriage at any time. During the marriage, the woman lives in the house of the husband exactly as man and wife. The woman and the man are married and must honor each other by not going to other men or women. As long as they live together in the same house and are married, they are married only to each other and to nobody else. And if the wife goes to another man, the Pilegesh marriage is immediately ended and the wife must leave the house.

I have been asked by a dear friend to describe how I would define the spousal relationship of Pilegesh, or more specifically, how I would want to have a community of Pilegesh people behave in their spousal relationships.

1)      Question: What are spousal relationship rules in Pilegesh? Answer: My book Secret of the Scale is about gender issues. I have spent much of my life dealing with the issues of male and female. Just recently, I needed very much to find somebody to discuss an issue with. I was walking out of shull, bothered by my inability to find somebody to help me with that issue, and I suddenly noticed that in the sky that was usually clouded over there was a shining moon and no clouds near it. I dashed to say Kiddush Halevono, and then I realized that the moon had come to me to explain how to answer my issue, who I should talk to. The Moon is a female holiness, so I discussed the issue with my wife. Afterwards, I was completely satisfied. Secret of the Scale is a book about male and female as old fashioned scale plates. The two scale plates rise and fall, never simultaneously, but as one falls the other rises. Then that one falls and the other plate rises. Thus, marriage is a process of taking turns in who is on top and who is on the bottom. This cyclical movement produces a wonderful harmony. Competitive spouses destroy marriage. The solution is to constantly fall to raise the other spouse, and then, the other spouse goes down and raises you, and the cycle never ends. Such is the proper way of all marriages, all spousal relations, and Pilegesh is a spousal relationship.

2)      Question: In pilegesh marriage, does the wife have any status of "ezer k'negdo"?

Answer: See Rambam Mishneh Torah, Ishuse 15:19, “And the rabbis have taught that a man must honor his wife more than himself, and love her as he loves himself.” Honoring the wife means spending money on her more than he spends on himself.  Raishis Chochmo) If there is money only for one winter coat, the wife gets it. See also question number four and the teaching of Rashi and the Zohar that a husband must devote his life to making his wife happy, not himself, although when she is happy she will probably make him happy as well. But the obligation to make his wife happy falls upon the man.

3)      Question: Should perhaps both spouses be defined as "ezerim" for each other? Answer: The wife is not an ezer. She is an ezer kinegdo, a helper against him, and the question is, does the male have the same role with the woman that the woman has with the male? Is he an ezer kinegdo of the woman or just a plain ezer or what? Just what is the role of the male with the female? We  have a passage in the Torah, “And he will make his wife rejoice.” Rashi and the Zohar tell us this means that the husband will make his wife rejoice, not himself. Meaning, he does not  go about making both of them enjoying life, rather, he works specifically on making the wife happy. Her, not him. What happens when she is happy because of him? Of course, she reciprocates, and they are one happy family. But his attitude is full blast for her happiness without his own. That is his mitzvah. The wife does not have this mitzvah directly, but she does have ezer kinegdo meaning that she is there to be a helpmate and to be available to point out his errors in building the house, etc. But the husband does have this mitzvah directly, the obligation to live to make his wife happy, not to make both of them happy, but focused on her happiness. When he does that, surely she reciprocates, but his mitzvah is full blast to make the wife happy, and she does not have this.

4.       Question:  Does a pilegesh husband have any authority over his wife at all? Answer: Since in Pilegesh marriage the wife or husband can leave anytime, the husband is surely limited in his authority, which, even if he does have some authority over his wife, it ends when she decides to leave the house and the marriage. Having said that, I would recommend anyone seeking Pilegesh marriage, to strongly imitate the basic marital relations of Jewish people. The authority of the husband is part of the respect of the spouses for each other. Rambam says that the husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and respect her more than he respects himself, which can be interpreted in terms of buying things for her that he needs for himself. If there is only money for one winter coat, the wife gets it. And the husband is commanded to make his wife rejoice, which means he makes her rejoice in their marriage, not that he makes himself and her together rejoice. The idea is that the husband must emphasize his obligation to make his wife happy, without feeling an obligation to make himself happy. However, when the wife rejoices from the husband’s efforts, surely she will reciprocate and make him happy. Rambam also says that the wife must have a very extreme level of respect for her husband. And it is surely appropriate to maintain this level in Pilegesh marriage, as this is the way Jews in spousal relationships, Kiddushin or Pilegesh, should behave.

5. Question: Whose minhagim should be followed in the household? Answer: If the Minhag is not one that creates sins for one who doesn’t follow them, and assuming that the wife will not have pain from changing customs from her father’s house, the husband’s minhag is probably preferable. In the event that the husband knows how much the Minhag means to his wife, he may keep that in mind also. However, as a general rule, I would recommend that when there is a clash between husband or wife, or between any close people, it is always better not for one person to force his way, but rather, the question should be submitted to an authority. Anytime an authority has ruled between husband and wife, the marriage is surely saved from what could be bitter feelings. When people ask me such questions, and I tell them what the proper way to behave, I always add that I suggest that they blame me for the decision, and not the people involved.

6. Question: In pilegesh marriage, is there any obligation on the husband to provide sheirah, kesusah, and onasah? Should a pilegesh husband voluntarily accept upon himself to provide his wife's onasah even if not required by halacha? Answer: A husband in Kiddushin must supply his wife by Torah ruling with food, clothing, and intimacy. In Pilegesh marriage, I recommend that the couple accept upon itself the basic spousal and marital customs common to the vast majority of marriages, with Kiddushin. This will surely contribute to the happiness of the wife which is very important in Pilegesh marriage, because the wife can leave anytime. Better to keep her happy, with food, clothing and intimacy, for the sake of the marriage, which even in Pilegesh marriage, should be a serious attempt to remain married for a long time or forever!

7. Question: Should a pilegesh wife voluntarily accept a few household duties like making meals for the husband in order to please him? Answer: We mentioned previously that in marriage, through Kiddushin or Pilegesh, each spouse must always try to please the other spouse. Ideally, we want a permanent marriage, even in Pilegesh marriage. And this requires a feeling in both husband and wife that both of them are trying their best to please the other one.

The above are basic understandings, that go back to the requirement in marriage, in Kiddushin or Pilegesh, to aim for permanent marriage by pleasing the other spouse constantly, a process that leads to reciprocation and constant pleasing of the other. That is true marriage.

A Split in Orthodox Judaism

The Orthodox Increases and the Hyphenated Orthodox Declines

Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn

The Orthodox Increase in population is powered by large families and by people who are not Orthodox deciding to become Orthodox. When the Posek HaDor Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l died, a secular newspaper revealed that he left over a thousand progeny of children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. What did this fact mean to the secular Israeli? What it meant is that here is a person, one man, who produced over a thousand people who were either all or most basically Orthodox as he was. Compare this with the secular Israel who has a very small birth rate. The sad comment on the secular Israeli’s propagation is that a family produces a child and a dog. The child then goes to Japan to marry somebody who is not Jewish, and the dog doesn’t vote.

Years ago the secular Kibbuts, perhaps controlled by leftist or even Communists, produced the senior officers of the army. But today those Kibbutsim have declined or disappeared, and the new element powering up the Israel army is completely Orthodox soldiers who believe that defending the holy land is a great mitzvah. After a period of some years, these Orthodox soldiers have made a good name for themselves, and they are on their way to be the future generals. The recent battles in Gaza were led by an Israeli colonel who is completely Orthodox. He spent years in America learning from and teaching American soldiers. If he wasn’t Orthodox he would probably have become a general by now. But making future generals Orthodox is a great threat to the secularists who control the army. But rejecting Orthodox soldiers from the highest positions is futile, because nobody else in Israel is so motivated to be a top soldier.

Our remarks here are not about the secular Jew, but about those who call themselves Orthodox or those who call themselves Orthodox plus a hyphenated word such as Modern Orthodox or Open Orthodox. When we say that they decline, what do we base this on? Basically, somebody who is Orthodox plus Modern or Open reveals that his Orthodoxy is tampered with other beliefs, and these beliefs are contrary to Orthodoxy. Otherwise, who needs the hyphenation? Just say you are Orthodox.

Let us examine the Orthodoxy of Modern Orthodox Jews. Are they completely Orthodox? First of all, who are they? Many of them come from Yeshiva University. Now, Yeshiva University was the only game in town in the early years of the twentieth century. Great European Gedolim taught there and instilled a Jewish spirit in many people who were ready to go to a secular college and get completely lost. But after a class or two with the European Gedolim, these American college students then studied under the atheists who teach in the secular colleges. Here is hyphenation. And it produces confusion. But confusion is not the right word. It produces an understanding that Orthodoxy is a compartmentalized religion. Part Rav Soloveitchik and part the people who teach about Einstein and other things that are filled with anti-Torah ideas. But things are worse than that. Let us be specific about the problems with Modern Orthodox. Yes, they are Modern in one compartment and then Orthodox in a separate compartment. Is this somebody who believes in Sinai and the Torah or somebody who is two people part believer and part denier?

Let us talk about Modern Orthodox people who play the American game and want the highest degrees and the best jobs. How many years does it take to get a doctorate or training in some advanced specialty? We are talking about unmarried people, because until they graduate with all of their required degrees and begin making some good money, marriage is unlikely. The rabbis required marriage at the age of eighteen and no later than twenty. But for the Modern Orthodox person, that is impossible. Getting a master’s degree takes years, and getting a doctorate takes years. A doctor must spend years after he gets his degree doing actual medical work until he eventually is granted his full license to practice. He is not young. His biology has been boiling for years. And yes, he has not been without girls. And they, too, have biology. Since they are Modern Orthodox, the dating is also compartmentalized. Don’t ask for details.

A YU student told me that there are students in the Modern Orthodox YU world who cannot marry but do have intimate relationships that are proper only for married people. The Rebbes in YU spoke out about such people. The very fact that they practice keeping the Mikva and are alone like husband and wife on a regular basis, could possibly create a pesak that they are married. If so, if the woman leaves this man and marries with somebody else, without a GET from the first man, her children are mamzerim. Yes, the hyphen goes a long way. It is terrible.

Now let me tell you a story that happened with me recently, that is quite relevant to our discussion. I spoke to people who are hyphenated Orthodox and I had for them what I thought was a home-run idea. Kiddushin often destroys the wife when the husband won’t give her a GET. So let them marry with Pilegesh, and anyone can leave anytime. I sweetened the pot by saying that when a Kiddushin lady remarries without a GET, her children from the new marriage are mamzerim. In Pilegesh there is no such thing, no mamzerim. I was shocked to realize that my idea was completely rejected. I don’t mean they rejected Pilegesh. They did not. But they rejected the negative information that Kiddushin can produce mamzerim. And the tone of voice was that this was completely wrong to even discuss.  I was confused.

But now I am beginning to understand. When a person is two opposites, Modern and Orthodox, he or she is compartmentalized, which is not my invention, but I heard it from others. The part of the hyphenated Orthodox is really Orthodox. But the part that is Modern is completely free to have sinful relations with people who should be married to do certain things. If you talk to that person’s Orthodox side, you see a full fledged keeper of Shabbos and kashruth. But when you talk about anti-Orthodox things that are the property of the Modern, you cannot talk at all about Orthodox sin, so just keep quiet.

I do not believe that everybody who joins a Modern Orthodox Shull or group is compartmentalized. I believe that many of them accept that they are one person and yet are simply too weak to obey the Orthodox teaching as they should. Such a person can readily discuss what he practices and what he does not practice, without hesitation, without inventions, without being two people but being one person. Such a person has a much easier time of considering dropping the hyphenation and becoming completely Orthodox. But the compartmentalized person doesn’t always believe in Orthodoxy, sometimes he is “Modern” and then, the Torah is not important.

When I say that hyphenated Orthodox is in decline, I mean that an Orthodoxy without Torah is a complete farce, and any intelligent person knows that. And although the many hyphenated people and compartmentalized people are firm believers in splitting the brain into two people, such a trick is not strong enough to appeal to people who think normally in terms of one brain and one person and one set of beliefs. Thus, the Modern Orthodox with its opposite brains is a state of impossible confusion, and can only produce more confusion. The hyphenated Orthodox are busy splitting into Modern and then Orthodox. One who reads their material knows he is dealing with people who don’t think straight. This is a formula for division and decline.

Again, as time goes on, the straight Orthodox, or the straight ultra-Orthodox, without confusion, without two opposing beliefs, will increase in number and gain ascendency in the Orthodox world. Far down the road, there will be some people who think they are two people, and eventually, who will even notice them?

The Need for Torah and Wealth

The gemora in Horiyuse 10B tells how the students of Rovo, one of the greatest sages of the gemora, visited him. He asked them if they finished this and that volume of the Talmud and they said they have finished the books. He then asked them if they were wealthy. Rav Popo replied that he was wealthy. Rovo was pleased with this response, because one who is comfortable financially can learn Torah with peace of mind, unlike a person troubled constantly with debt.

We have a gemora quoting Shlomo HaMelech in Mishlei that one should not marry until he  has a house and a good job. See Sota 44a. When we note that in Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer I:3 it says a man should marry before twenty, and when we find in chazal "an eighteen year old should marry" we wonder where all the money came that an eighteen year old who spent most of his time learning Torah suddenly had money for a house and a good job.

The answer is as follows: A child has no obligation to keep the Torah, because only one who is Bar Mitsvah must keep the Torah. However, the father of the child has an obligation to train the boy for adulthood. Whatever an adult must do the child must be trained for it. If an adult must learn nine hours a day and work three hours a day as the Rambam Talmud Torah I:12  and Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 156:1  tell us, a father must teach his son at a very early age to learn how to earn. Originally, the father makes it very easy, such as telling the son to go to school with some fruit from the farm and trade it with another child who is also learning how to buy and sell. But gradually, the child builds up experience, is trained to rap on doors, finds out the hard way that some people are not honest, and gradually develops under his father's tutelage into a first rate businessman. At the age of Bar Mitsvah he is already learning how to invest his savings into buying property if the price is right, and then he sells it when the price rises. At the age of eighteen he is ready for marriage. He has money for a house and has a going business in various things, real estate, selling things from the farm such as leather, and other opportunities.

Imagine a house where an eighteen year old boy has wealth. How much peace and contentment is in that house. How happy is the wife who can have what she needs and more. How happy are the children of that house, especially when their father begins training them in business, together with their main efforts, in learning Torah. Such a family trains children to be great in Torah and wealthy. This is what the Torah wants from people, if they make the effort and merit it. Because not everyone merits wealth, but it is surely an ideal to strive for.

Some rabbis such as Rabbi Akiva and Rabbi Yehuda the Prince were extremely wealthy. Some were very poor, like Hillel. But how lovely it is to train a child from childhood to aim for wealth, to understand business, and to manage, in a few hours as a child, to establish himself as a successful businessman by the time he reaches marital age.

Children spend hours and hours on having fun. The best fun is to learn to earn and to watch the coins pile up. That brings a family of happiness and blessing.

Question: Do we raise our children to be great in Torah and wealthy? Or do we raise them to be "Great" in Torah, which almost never happens, and when it doesn't happen, a family is in trouble. And if we don't raise a child to earn, and he faces marital age, what hope does he have to have a house and a good job? Is this what Rambam says applies to a person who does not have a house and a good job and marries, that he is a Tipash? Rambam Mishneh Torah Dayose V:11

It is time to think carefully: Are we raising our children to be wealthy and great in Torah, or are we raising them to be Tipshim? Recall the above, that a gemora in Sota 44a clearly forbids marriage without a house and a good job, and this is brought in Shulchan Aruch Oruch Chaim 156:1. Why do so many people ignore open gemoras and poskim? Why, when we see the misery in so many broken families, we don't think into this?

Marriage is a Major Move: Not Everyone is Prepared for It

Marriage is in of itself a major move. Before marriage a person is a king with nobody to interfere with what he wants to do. Marriage means a person spends the rest of his life joined with another person who has their unique desires and attitudes, and the husband and wife have to learn how to share a limited space.

One leaves his personal life and personality and becomes united into one unit with a spouse. Not everybody has the training and ability to do such a thing. Somebody told me that in Brooklyn there is a shull whose majority of members are old bachelors. People raised with the hopes that they will earn such and such and achieve such and such may be enthralled with themselves and not willing to share the glorious dreams dancing in their heads with a spouse.

The truth of the matter is that especially today moving away from the self into a marriage is no easy matter. Increasingly, people fear it and avoid it. In one neighborhood it is known that people come of age to marry but shack up and do so with no shame. They are too old to live alone and lack the training to share their lives with another person. So they indulge in a life that defies the Torah, no marriage but the other things associated properly only with marriage.

Another problem in marriage today is simply that people don’t find what they want. There are families where parents work hard to find a mate for their children. And there are families where parents don’t work hard to find a mate for their children. The shame and the pain in finding a mate for a child is very much an excuse for a lot of people to quit. You are sure that your best friend’s son is perfect for your daughter, but your best friend doesn’t think so. Without a parent to rely upon to find you a mate, you are on your own. You could look for a shadchon and many people do that. You could accept advice and people from friends and others. But do you know what you want? How should you know if you were never married?

The rabbis say that as a person ages something changes in him and he is a different person. That different person is a challenge when it comes to marriage. The basic question is: Is marriage a passing moment in life, or is it always available? Well, let us hope that it is always available, but one thing is for sure, it gets harder with each passing year.

Life is a rotating wheel and we are looking at it. When it passes us, we can act to seize what is on that wheel, or we can ignore it. There is no way to know everything about people passing us. We have a small opportunity to take or reject, and our lives depend a lot on what we decide.

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[1] Nedarim 20b