Tel Conf #18 Sept 2 9:30 PM – call 605-562-3130
then code 411161#
Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn/845-578-1917/eidensohnd@gmail.com
Older Singles and Marrying from
Pressure
Okay, Get Married. So why are there
so many singles? The Shulchan Aruch beginning of Even Hoezer tells that in
early generations a man past twenty who was not pursuing marriage properly was
brought to Beth Din and instructed to get married.
Now, this can make a lot of
problems. Let us say that in a certain town an older man can only marry people
he doesn’t want to marry. Can he be forced to marry someone against his will?
We had a case like this with the
brother-in-law of the Baal Shem Tov. Reb Gershon Kitover. In his older years he
went to live in Israel, in Jerusalem, where the Orach Chaim HaKodosh,
considered the greatest saint of his time, was the Rov. The Orach Chaim honored
him with being the Baal Tefila for Rosh HaShana. But then Reb Gershon was told
that the rule in Jerusalem was that nobody was allowed to live there as a
single. There are letters that Reb Gershon wrote about this, and he asked, How
can I marry somebody from a different world? It is not known what happened. But
this kind of a problem surely existed in earlier generations. And when people
were forced to marry without wanting their partner, only problems could result.
The problems were so strong that
the Beth Dins eventually surrendered and did not force people to marry. Some
offered proofs that today we don’t force marriages. But others disagreed and
said we must have marriage. But if by so doing the Beth Din will create a
constant ruckus that destroys the Honor of the Torah, it may be prudent to
refrain from this forcing of marriages. Still others maintained that even today
marriage should be coerced.
Reb Chaim Palagai, the great Rov of
Iraq, wrote in his sefer Chaim ViShalom II:112 that when a marriage is
completely broken with no hope of repairing it, the couple must be divorced. If
the husband refuses to divorce his wife after eighteen months, he is beaten
until he says, “I want it.” The Tsits Eliezar asks how a husband can be coerced
to give a GET, which is against the teaching of the Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer
77 paragraphs 2 and 3 and all of the poskim. This is a very strong question.
But the Ben Ish Chai was a
world-class Rov and the head of a country. His word was law. His Beth Din had
the power to do what it says in Shulchan Aruch in the beginning of Even Hoezer,
that a Beth Din forces marriage when people reach the age of marriage such as a
man of twenty. I think that the Gro agrees to this. If so, the custom not to do
this is because the more modern Beth Dins did not have the respect of the
community to force marriages or divorces. But Reb Chaim Palagi did have the
power, and he used it, and everyone obeyed him. This was not a beating to force
a divorce because the wife demands a GET. The wife perhaps said nothing. But
the Beth Din had the obligation and the power to force marriages. The same
power could possibly be used to force a GET if the Beth Din was not motivated
by the mere complaints of the wife but by the damage single people could do in
their community. A single of age is a menace to a community’s kedusho. But this
applied only to earlier Beth Dins that had the respect of the whole country or
at least the whole city as the Torah leaders deserving of obedience. But today
there are very few great rabbis and we don’t find too many with wide powers of
authority such as Reb Chaim Phalagi had or the official Beth Dins of an entire
city such as the Beth Din of Brisk of Vilna.
About a hundred years ago the Rov
of Jerusalem ruled that speaking Hebrew was forbidden. Reb Yosef Chaim
Sononfeld was on the Beth Din and a major Torah personality, a Gadol HaDor, and
he spoke Hebrew at least to the Sefardic Jews. He was asked how he could do
such a thing to defy the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. He explained that the rabbi
created this law without the agreement of the Beth Din. Thus, even the Chief
Rabbi has limitations. Surely what we have today that this and that person make
a private Beth Din, surely it has little power to force people.
We do not force marriages or
divorces today in general even if somebody is older. But that is because the
community will not tolerate such things or the Beth Din has some leniency not
to do this. But the obligation to marry is there. This is a very important
point.
True, we do not coerce a GET just
because the wife says her husband is a terrible person. But if the husband
knows that it is true, he has a clear obligation to force himself!
We may not force husbands to marry
at twenty. But the husband should force himself.
And if the wife has bitter
complaints about her husband, and the Beth Din cannot force the husband to give
a GET because of them, if the husband knows it is true, he should force
himself. He will be judged for causing the pain and not giving a GET.
Rambam says that a woman is not to
be chained as a slave in a marriage she hates. Rambam therefore rules that the
demand of the woman is honored by Beth Din and the husband is forced to
divorce. But we do not hold like this. We pasken like Rabbeinu Tam, the Rosh
and the Rashbo and others, that the word of the wife is not enough to force a
GET.
But the principle stated by Rambam,
that a woman is not a slave to be forced to remain married to somebody she
hates, is true. If the Beth Din does not force the GET, perhaps because to give
all women the power to just complain and leave their husbands would create a
destruction of families, nonetheless, the husband who knows he is at fault will
be judged for this and for the sin of treating his wife like a slave.
Again, Beth Din today cannot always
force things the right way in marriage and divorce. But the couple involved in
the marriage and know what is happening, must answer to HaShem. And they should
better get on with their lives before they have to answer to a Beth Din that
has no fear of antagonizing anyone.
