Profile Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Suffering before Moshiach and the Solution


Family Suffering before Moshiach Comes
By Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
The Mishneh at the end of Sota tells us that in the Footsteps of Moshiach, prior to the coming of Moshiach, great problems will take place with Derech Erets, or human relations with other people, extending even into the family. Thus, “one’s enemies will be his household.” Sons will quarrel with fathers, and daughters with their mothers.”
Of course, when the family is at war, children suffer. And when they grew up, and maybe marry, what happens then? Rashi tells us that Footsteps of Moshiach means the terrible exile before the actual arrival of Moshiach. Is it true that this will be a time of destroyed families? But the lengthy Mishneh there, after describing in graphic detail the suffering of the time in family, concludes with, “And there is nobody to turn to other than our Father in Heaven.” Reb Elchonon the prime disciple of the Chofetz Chaim said that this means that turning to HaShem can bring us salvation. Yes, turning to HaShem can turn an age of disaster into achievement and peace.
Is there any other idea that can help in such a time?
The Haredim in chapter 20:8 tells us of the mitsvah, “It is a positive Torah commandment for a man to have marital relations with his wife. This applies even when the wife is pregnant. As it is said, ‘And he shall make his wife rejoice.’ (Devorim 24,5) There is also in regard to this mitsvah a negative command as it is written, ‘And her marital relations shall not be lessened (Shmose 21,10)
Rashi in Devorim and the Zohar there as well tell us that the mitsvah of making a wife happy does not mean that one rejoices with the wife. It means that the husband must think solely of how to make his wife happy. This means, says Raishi Chochmo, that if the husband has limited money, he must spend it on his wife and he will do without.
A house where the husband lives to make his wife, not himself, happy, is a house where the wife senses the direction of the house and can only reciprocate. Such a family lives in peace and happiness. The children grow up in peace and will themselves be fine fathers and mothers.
Rashi in the Mishneh stresses that “In the Footsteps of Moshiach” means in the terrible exile preceding Moshiach. The suffering will surely limit peoples’ income and this itself can make great problems. Thus, the crucial thing is to raise a family with extremely limited spending. Those who do have some money will be tested to see if they spend their money on more luxuries or supporting Torah or the poor. One who lives the right way with money is surely doing the will of heaven that can bring the greatest blessings, even in a bitter exile.
Some of my children are paid good money to speak in schools in Israel, about what? About their family life as children. Every Shabbos I would speak at great length on the greatness of women, based on solids sources in gemora. My wife didn’t mind, of course, and the children grew up without any interest in money which we didn’t have, or having a nice house which was quite different. But everyone was happy. I took my children regularly across the street to a property filled with trees and various challenging paths. When we reached a certain hole in the ground, we stopped, and the children were all excited about Mr. Shlang. Now Mr. Shlang never appeared, but happiness was there.
A son of mine once asked me permission to sleep under the kitchen table, because our house didn’t have room for a big bedroom. When he got permission, everybody was jealous. That son is now an international expert on running a Yeshiva and dealing with any problems with rebbes or students. Some of my daughters in Israel are regular speakers in schools. They are asked to speak about what is what growing up as children in our house. People know that our children are special baruch HaShem.
For forty-five years, my wife supported the family with a business which she recently closed. During that time nobody went without. We started out small, but we turned to heaven and to Torah and did without things we didn’t need. What we needed was to show how much parents and children loved each other. Today, here and there in different countries all of the children are similar. They were trained in peace and love.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

How to Make a GET, and how Not to Make It


Making a GET
By Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
The laws of making a GET are taught in the Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer. But as with the general structure of the Shulchan Aruch and even the gemora, many are the considerations of those opinions. So we have to go carefully and find out the final judgement of the great rabbis. In the Shulchan Aruch the great rabbis are Rav Yosef Caro the Beis Yosef, Reb Moshe Isserles the Ramo, the Vilna Gaon[1], the Beis Shmuel,[2] the Chelkas Mechokake and a few more printed opinions. In Even Hoezer page 77 par. 2 and 3 we find these great rabbis declaring that one may not force a husband to give her a GET. The exception is if a prominent Beth Din finds that it has clarified that what the lady claims her husband did to her is true, then we may possibly find that the husband is forced to give a GET, even if we have to beat him.
The Rambam[3] writes the basic ten Torah rulings about how to write a GET. The first is “The man should not divorce his wife unless he wants to do it.” “And if he divorces against his will she is not divorced.” Thus, a woman who forced her husband to divorce her and remarries somebody not her husband, the child born from that person is a mamzer.
Rashbo in teshuva 414 volume VII says when a woman demands a GET that “if the husband wants to divorce he divorces her, if he doesn’t want to divorce her he doesn’t divorce her.” Meaning, we don’t force a husband to divorce even if the wife complains bitterly about him. If the Beth Din knows that the wife is right and that the husband is doing bad things to her that require Beth Din to force him to divorce her, that is Beth Din’s prerogative, but the wife alone has no power to force a GET.
The Rambam[4] writes, “A woman who denies her husband marital intimacy is called a MOREDESS, a rebel. And we ask her why she rebelled. If she says ‘I despise him, and cannot tolerate sleeping with him willingly’, we force him to divorce her by a certain time, because she is not a slave to sleep with somebody she hates.”
In general people assume that the Rambam gives a woman the power to force a husband to divorce her if she claims he disgusts her. However, the Ramo in teshuva 96 quotes a lengthy teshuva from Rav Eliezar Ashkenazi that the Rambam never said that a woman has the power to force her husband to divorce her. In fact, there is an open Mishneh in Nedarim 90b that no woman can force her husband to give her a GET because we fear that she simply wants a nicer husband not that her story about this husband is true. In earlier times when women did not lie, we believed women who had sad stories about husbands, but not in later generations. If so, obviously the Mishneh blocks us from assigning to the Rambam the position that a woman may simply demand a GET from her husband because he disgusts her. Furthermore, the Rambam never said that the woman demanded a divorce. It says that she demands privacy from intimacy, but remains in the house, does the dishes and takes care of the children. But she refuses marital intimacy. Such a woman is believed and precisely because she did not mention the word “GET,” we believe her story about her husband, and force the husband to give a GET. But if she demands a GET we don’t force the husband to give her a GET because “maybe she just wants another husband.”
However, the Rambam adds the words “we force him to divorce her by a certain time.” This means that we believe her that the husband is indeed disgusting to her. But we give the husband a period of time to learn how to behave, and the Beth Din probably is involved in this. If by the end of this period the wife has changed her mind and accepts him for intimacy, he does not have to divorce. But if that period comes and she still despises him, he must give her a GET.
One of the hottest disagreements today is about the ruling of the Beth Din of America that all members must have husbands sign a paper that whenever the wife demands a GET he must give it to her immediately, or pay a large sum of money regularly. This created great controversy because it argued clearly with the above mentioned Mishneh in Nedarim 90B that no woman is believed to force her husband to give her a GET, because we fear she is lying about the husband simply because she wants another man for her husband. If so, how can the wife be able to force her husband to pay a fortune of money every year for not giving a GET immediately after she demanded it? A prominent Israeli rabbi said that whoever ruled this way is not an Orthodox Jew, and Rabbi Bleich from Yeshiva University reportedly savagely attacked it.
This teshuva of the Ramo #96 is very rich at the end of the lengthy study there to locate various reasons where senior rabbis have the right to demand a GET from the husband. They are 1) If the husband acts in a way to shame the woman and her family, such as if he is a public thief, the Rosh rules that we may force him to divorce his wife because he is shaming the wife and her family. 2) Since the husband the thief cannot return to their home in the city where he committed robberies, because they will seize him and maybe kill him, this prevents him from returning there, and this itself that he must stay away from his wife who is not obligated to follow him to another city means that we must order him to divorce so that she can have another husband and that he can have relations with a woman and not live in sin. (Tur) 3) Since the husband has only one child and has not fulfilled the command of Pru urvu, we force him to give a GET so he can remarry and have children. The Ramo (mentioning Rav Eliezar Ashkenazi) concludes that the above mentioned gedolei oilom of the Rishonim have permitted us to force the husband to give his wife a GET. But the final decision must be in the hands of “two experts on Torah Law” who alone will determine if we should force him to give a GET.
We will stop here, having provided basic ideas in these matters of forcing a GET, but we were careful not to overload with the large number of opinions that most people won’t want to struggle with. But on a basic level, those who clearly force a GET from the husband or tell a wife ridiculous reasons why she was never married in the first place, have surely put themselves in a very sad halacha situation, and children they have from these


[1] The Vilna Gaon is a Rishon despite being born in a latter generation, and the others are Acharonim.
[2] Beis Shmuel is considered by Maharsham the greatest of the latter Acharonim to rule on halacha. (Maharsham teshuvose IV:73 page 40
[3] Gerushin  I:1 and 1:2
[4] Ishuse 14:8

Monday, July 30, 2018

Kiddushin and Pilegesh for Torah Ladies, Plus and Minus


The Laws of the Torah for Ladies: Terrifying Problems, and the Mightiest Holiness
Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
My dear friends! I am writing for you the Law of the Torah for Ladies, Jewish ladies. Terrifying problems exist, and the Mightiest Holiness. It takes great courage to discuss such things, which amaze and confuse to a degree perhaps not found anywhere in the Torah. My style is always the same, no matter what I discuss. I present sources, but these sources themselves often conflict terribly with other sources. How then can I entertain hopes of not utterly overwhelming people so they can’t get to the bottom of these problems? But I studied under the greatest rabbis of the past generation, the Geonim Reb Aharon Kotler, Reb Moshe Feinstein, Reb Yaacov Kaminetsky, Reb Yosef Shalom Elyashev, Reb Shmuel HaLevi Wosner, and Rav Ephraim Herschel, all of the zt”l. I have semicha from them in writing and orally, that I can plunge into deep halacha problems and produce a clarified response to do away with confusion. I have no fear of this. I say all the time[1], “One who serves his rebbe is greater than one who learns Torah.” Does this mean that one who brings his rebbe a cup of coffee is greater than one who learns Torah? It means that one who learns Torah is confused with many conflicting teachings, but one who serves his rebbe and ascertains how to plunge to the depth of these conflicting teachings merits the pure truth, which is Torah without the confusion.
In my work which I publish frequently I often explain things that stun even me, and I realize that it was beyond me, but an act of HaShem to reveal these thoughts. My rebbe in this world and the next, Rav Shmuel Toledano zt”l, the Gaon of the Jerusalem Kabbalists, wrote many very deep Kabbala books, and he gave me permission to rewrite them at my leisure. The senior Kabbalist Rav Yitschok Kaduri zt”l wrote about my rebbe, “He wrote with Ruach HaKodesh,” not mere brilliance. The rebbe’s books make me dizzy, but I struggle, and struggle some more. Torah is not easy.
Now, let us get to work, to discuss the Torah for Jewish women, problems and solutions.
Let us begin with Berochos 17A, “Greater is the trust HaShem has in women more than His trust in men, as it is said, ‘Trusting women hearken to my words.” This seems to conflict with the teaching of Shlomo HaMelech in Shir HaShirim,[2] “I am black and I am beautiful, daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kador and the tents of Solomon.” The Ari z”l explains that black means justice and stress and beauty means a sweetening of the justice and stress, so the tents of Solomon were a beautiful white and the tents of black were strict justice and ugly.
“Do not look at me that I am extremely black, because the sun has blackened me. The sons of my mother turned against me, and made me guard the vineyards. My vineyard I did not guard.” Thus a woman can suffer from her own brothers and her mother did not intervene. This is terrible suffering.
We now get into a Kabbalistic teaching that makes us dizzy, but it is critical to understand our topic. The great Kabbalistic Reb Moshe Chaim Lutsato tells us that there are ten worlds in this world, and that the worlds are called Sefirose. The bottom Sefira right next to our world and its sins, is called MALCHUSE, or monarchy. This MALCHUSE is deluged with the terrible sins of humans and she suffers terribly. This is part of her agony of being black and turning white. In Kabbala it means as follows. The highest of the ten levels is called KESER or crown. Now, pay attention. The highest sefira or KESER is so high and heavenly, that it is wrong to even say that it exists! This means that its level of existence is not an earthly finite existence but one of the higher world, which we may not understand in this world. But this highest world in our world, KESER, is one with MALCHUSE and plunges down to greet her, and raises her up to the top of the ten Sefirose, and then, incredibly, raises her into the very heaven to the AIN SOFE place of pure heaven, and there the sins she deal with in this world are dealt with and somehow returned to earth in a state that improves them, similar to the teaching of the Ari z”l that the female begins with blackness and becomes a beautiful white. I want to stop the Kabbala at this point, because we want to get into the basic teaching for women of their role in the Torah without the very complicated Kabbala ideas. But keep in mind black to white and realize that women have a very high place before HaShem, although in this world we may sense the opposite, as we will discuss.
We want now to go directly to this, the pain and suffering of the woman, not with Kabbala, but with basic teachings of the Talmud and the Shulchan Aruch.
We come now to the marriage of women, with two ways permitted by the Torah. See Sanhedrin 21A as taught by the Vilna Gaon in the beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin. One way is for a woman to marry with Kiddushin, and the other way, is for a woman to marry with Pilegesh. Both of these have positive and negative capacities, as we will explain.
We will now turn to the Rambam who promotes both Kiddushin and Pilegesh, but also clearly states the problems with both of them. In the volume of the Rashbo called Meyuchesses where the vast majority of the teshuvose are from the Rashbo, two of them are from the Ramban, and one of these is about Pilegesh.
Today there are many women whose marriages are in trouble. There are two types of Torah marriages: One is with Kiddushin, and the other is with Pilegesh. The Vilna Gaon in the beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin talks about both Kiddushin and Pilegesh, and says that the gemora in Sanhedrin 21A approves of both Kiddushin and Pilgesh as valid marriages for Torah Jews. The Vilna Gaon also says that the major authorities Ramban and Rambam also approve of Pilegesh as well as Kiddushin.
To understand what both Kiddushin and Pilgesh mean for the wife, let us examine the teachings of the Ramban, one of the greatest Rishonim. In the volume of the teshuvose of the Rashbo known as meyuchesses[3] we find in teshuva 284 a teshuva signed clearly by the Ramban, not the Rashbo.
The Ramban there is about Pilegesh and Kiddushin and he writes, “Kiddushin and marriage in a chupah tent is a mitsvas esseh. One who comes to marry a woman who will be forbidden to all men and possessed by him to inherit her and to be defiled by her [when she dies he goes to the grave and becomes tomay] the Torah commands him to make Kiddushin and enter the chupah tent, and he must recite before ten men the blessings of a wedding. And if one sleeps with his wife in the house of his father-in-law (before chupah) he is beaten with makose marduse. And if after he brought her to his house he hurried and slept with her without having the blessings of marriage she is forbidden to him as if she was a nida. And anyone who did not give her two hundred zuz for marrying her, she thinks that since he does not treat her as a real husband, that he has determined to divorce her. She is then as one who is divorced in the heart of the husband.
“However, if the husband wants the wife not to be married with Kiddushin but as a Pilegesh, so that she will not be owned by him, and not forbidden to other men (meaning that a woman married with Kiddushin who gets a divorce and marries a second person, is forbidden to get a divorce from the second husband and return to her first husband, because the first husband still has power over the woman even after she was divorced by him and the second husband. But this applies only to a woman who married two men and was divorced by both. But if she was a Pilegesh or zonah she is not owned by anyone and can return to anyone as long as she is not burdened with two Kiddushin marriages.) Furthermore, she has no level of Kedusha at all (it seems that Kiddushin creates a relation of holiness that the husband uses to hold some level of control over the woman even after he divorces her, but Pilegesh does not create such a level of holiness, although it is certainly a kosher marriage and their children are completely kosher children.)”
In the beginning of the laws of Kiddushin, the Vilna Gaon says that the gemora in Sanhedrin 21A permits Pilegesh, and that the Rambam and Ramban agree to this.

Ladies who find Relief by being Pilegesh
What relief does a married woman achieve by marrying not with Kiddushin, but as Pilegesh? But we mentioned the teaching of the Ramban before, that Kiddushin gives the man great power over the woman, power that continues even after he divorces her. Pilegesh does not recognize any power in the husband. When the husband and wife decide on a true marriage, without zenuse but with Pilegesh, husband and wife are married with the permission of the Torah. This permission of the Torah means that whenever husband or wife wants to leave the marriage, for any reason, they may. This is the opposite of marriage with Kiddushin, which until the husband dies, does not relax his hold over his wife.
With all this, there is a second side of Pilegesh which can be a problem, maybe worse than Kiddushin. That is mentioned in the Rambam himself, who permits Pilegesh, but writes afterwards a letter to his rebbe Rabbeinu Yona, that in Rabbeinu Yona’s city, he should not permit Pilegesh. The reason is, that precisely because Pilegesh is so easy to achieve with both marriage and divorce, that people may be led to believe that Pilegesh can lead them to do zenuse. Each city must consult with its great rabbis if Pilegesh is appropriate in their community. We find the same attitude in the greatest of lenient rabbis regarding Pilegesh, Rabbi Yaacov Emden, who after extoling Pilegesh, writes that the Pilegesh couple must consult with the great rabbis of their community. If so, what do I say about this? I received strong semicha to pasken difficult questions in halacha from the Gaon Reb Moshe Feinstein zt”l, the Gaon Reb Yaacov Kaminetsky zt”l, and the Gaon Reb  Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l. This is what I feel, and feel strongly about, if Pilegesh is permitted or forbidden.
Ideally, and such as the case in earlier generations, every generation had its great rabbis who had power over the community. Today, this is not true. In America and even Israel, there are great problems, especially regarding women who married with Kiddushin and the husband won’t give them a GET willingly. Many of those considered the major rabbis of the community obviously don’t know the laws of Gittin properly. They therefore encourage women to force a GET from their husbands. A forced GET, says Rambam, is worthless and this means that if the woman remarries with an invalid GET her children from the second husband are mamzerim. This itself should caution us against Kiddushin, because every marriage of Kiddushin, if it doesn’t work out well, could lead the woman to demand a GET, and if the husband does not give a GET willingly, the woman has no GET and if she remarries with the invalid GET, her children are mamzerim.
Another idea being practiced in America and even Israel, as well as other countries, is for a rabbi to tell a woman that because of ridiculous reasons, she was never married in the first place.
If so, I surely feel that better Pilegesh then mamzerim with Kiddushin, and the reality is that the senior rabbis in America are very weak in dealing with women who have Kiddushin. There was not long ago a group of rabbis who charged sixty thousand dollars to torture a husband with electric shocks to force him to give his wife a GET until the FBI arrested them and made the Trenton case which results in jail terms and fines. There are also major rabbis who openly encourage women to force their husbands to give a GET which makes an invalid GET. A woman remarried with an invalid GET who has a child from her new husband has produced a mamzer. Better, I feel, is Pilegesh, which does not produce mamzerim, than Kiddushin, which increasingly, is producing mamzerim.
On the other hand, Ramban, who certainly permits Pilegesh, writes a letter to his mentor, Rabbeinu Yonah, that in his community Pilegesh should be forbidden, because people will turn it into zenuse, do to the fact that it is so easy to get married with Pilegesh and to leave that marriage with no penalty, no GET and no pain. And I say that while that is surely a factor, the major factor is the terror of women making mamzerim because they have Kiddushin, which is much worse than Pilegesh. Even Pilegesh which may with some people lead to zenuse does not produce mamzerim but forcing a husband to divorce his wife does make mamzerim.
We will stop here.


[1] גדול שמושה של תורה יותר מלמודו שנאמר פה אלישע בן שפט אשר יצק מים על ידי אליהו – ברכות ז ע"ב
[2] Shir HaShirim I:5 and I:6
[3] The volume of the Rashbo entitled meyuchess means that it is the teachings of the Rashbo with two exceptions signed by the Ramban, 283 and 284. 284 is about Pilegesh and Kiddushin and their differences.

Peace in the Family and Stop Anger and Bad Traits


Shalom Bayis Beth Din
By Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
The purpose of Shalom Bayis Beth Din is to promote Shalom Bayis. We have a group of activists working with us and a group of Talmidei Chachomim. Our goal is not to divide the children and the properties between husband and wife in a broken marriage and divorce, but rather to introduce Torah attitudes to improve the marriage and make Shalom.

ושמח את אשתו


 The Torah teaches[1] “When a man marries a new wife, he shall not go out to the army, nor shall obligations to the military for any reason apply to him; for one year he shall be completely involved with his house, and he shall make his wife that he took, rejoice.”
Rashi explains that this means “He shall make his wife rejoice. And one who translates this and ‘he shall rejoice together with his wife’ is in error, because it means he must make his wife rejoice, not himself.” The same idea is in the Zohar in this part of the Torah, that the husband must make his wife happy, not himself.
The Raishis Chochmo, a major commentary, says that this applies to money.[2] “This means that he must honor her constantly with money and clothes more than his means.”
A house where the husband sacrifices his own wants to honor his wife is a house of peace. A house where the husband and wife argue about who gets what with the money or clothing is a house with one foot somewhere else.
And what is the proper way for a woman to behave? The Raishis Chochmo says[3] “Moshe was commanded to teach Torah to the women before the men, because the ladies guide their children to go to learn Torah in school, and watch them carefully that they learn Torah, and they have mercy on them when they come from school, and speak to them nice things, and watch them that they don’t waste time from Torah learning, and they teach the children fear of heaven when they are young. And it is thus that righteous women create Torah and fear of heaven.
“And a woman should be careful that when her husband comes from work and he is tired and drained, that she urge him to spend time learning Torah and to give charity.”
The Raishis Chochmo continues at great length about the proper path of the female. And he has much to say about how men should behave as well. See what he writes about the path of humility for the man, how he must control his anger and flee honor. See there the chapter on humility chapter two and elsewhere.
The point is that all people have problems with anger and other bad traits. The Chofetz Chaim used to closet himself in a shull and cry with great tears to HaShem. Somebody once followed him to see what he was doing in shull on a regular basis. He heard the Chofetz Chaim cry out to HaShem standing before the Oron HaKodesh, “Master of the Universe! I am a Cohen. And a Cohen has a tendency to become angry. Please save me from anger.” So what should we say?
 In a video, I talked about love and fear in the house, and I claimed that in a house, if a father once lets loose with his frustration even a word or two, and a child is pained, nobody knows the cost of that anger. Therefore, fear is crucial to teach a person control in the house, especially in the house with his close family.  Because what we do to insult strangers passes, as they don’t really care. But a family does care and may never forget.
Therefore, let us fear, and let us love, and let us pray that we behave. It is not so simple. If the Chofetz Chaim had to constantly pray in front of the Aron HaKodesh not to have anger, one of the worst traits, what does that mean for us?



[1] Devorim 24,5
[2] Raishis Chochmo chapter on Derech Erets page 266 – Derech Erets the man with his wife
[3] Perek Derech Erets page 255 “The fourth gate is the Derech Erets appropriate for women”

How a Family Can Live in Peace and the Price of Peace


Shalom Bayis Beth Din
By Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
The purpose of Shalom Bayis Beth Din is to promote Shalom Bayis. We have a group of activists working with us and a group of Talmidei Chachomim. Our goal is not to divide the children and the properties between husband and wife in a broken marriage and divorce, but rather to introduce Torah attitudes to improve the marriage and make Shalom.

ושמח את אשתו


 The Torah teaches[1] “When a man marries a new wife, he shall not go out to the army, nor shall obligations to the military for any reason apply to him; for one year he shall be completely involved with his house, and he shall make his wife that he took, rejoice.”
Rashi explains that this means “He shall make his wife rejoice. And one who translates this and ‘he shall rejoice together with his wife’ is in error, because it means he must make his wife rejoice, not himself.” The same idea is in the Zohar in this part of the Torah, that the husband must make his wife happy, not himself.
The Raishis Chochmo, a major commentary, says that this applies to money.[2] “This means that he must honor her constantly with money and clothes more than his means.”
A house where the husband sacrifices his own wants to honor his wife is a house of peace. A house where the husband and wife argue about who gets what with the money or clothing is a house with one foot somewhere else.
And what is the proper way for a woman to behave? The Raishis Chochmo says[3] “Moshe was commanded to teach Torah to the women before the men, because the ladies guide their children to go to learn Torah in school, and watch them carefully that they learn Torah, and they have mercy on them when they come from school, and speak to them nice things, and watch them that they don’t waste time from Torah learning, and they teach the children fear of heaven when they are young. And it is thus that righteous women create Torah and fear of heaven.
“And a woman should be careful that when her husband comes from work and he is tired and drained, that she urge him to spend time learning Torah and to give charity.”
The Raishis Chochmo continues at great length about the proper path of the female. And he has much to say about how men should behave as well. See what he writes about the path of humility for the man, how he must control his anger and flee honor. See there the chapter on humility chapter two and elsewhere.
The point is that all people have problems with anger and other bad traits. The Chofetz Chaim used to closet himself in a shull and cry with great tears to HaShem. Somebody once followed him to see what he was doing in shull on a regular basis. He heard the Chofetz Chaim cry out to HaShem standing before the Oron HaKodesh, “Master of the Universe! I am a Cohen. And a Cohen has a tendency to become angry. Please save me from anger.” So what should we say?
 In a video, I talked about love and fear in the house, and I claimed that in a house, if a father once lets loose with his frustration even a word or two, and a child is pained, nobody knows the cost of that anger. Therefore, fear is crucial to teach a person control in the house, especially in the house with his close family.  Because what we do to insult strangers passes, as they don’t really care. But a family does care and may never forget.
Therefore, let us fear, and let us love, and let us pray that we behave. It is not so simple. If the Chofetz Chaim had to constantly pray in front of the Aron HaKodesh not to have anger, one of the worst traits, what does that mean for us?



[1] Devorim 24,5
[2] Raishis Chochmo chapter on Derech Erets page 266 – Derech Erets the man with his wife
[3] Perek Derech Erets page 255 “The fourth gate is the Derech Erets appropriate for women”

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Can we Force a Husband to Give a Divorce When Witnesses Agree With His Wife’s Bitter Complaints?

Rabbi Dovid Eidensohn         Monsey, NY                845-578-1917  eidensohnd@gmail.com               12 Cheshvon 5778

We know that a wife who demands a GET because her husband is disgusting to her is refused a GET.  Although the Rashbam and Rambam and many Geonim permit or require forcing a GET when this happens, the latter poskim led by Rabbeinu Tam and the Ri forbid forcing the husband to give his wife a GET when she claims that her husband disgusts her. See the Rashbo Volume 7 chapter 414 which is quoted by all of the authorities in Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer Laws of Kesubose chapter 77 paragraphs 2,3. See the Gro there #5 who comments that everyone [of the latter poskim] accepts that forcing a GET is forbidden unless there is a rare exception.

This seems to contradict the Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer about marriage chapter 154.There it says that a husband who takes a job that causes him to have a bad odor is forced to give his wife a GET.

The answer probably is that when a woman makes a claim that she wants a GET because the husband has something wrong with him that she cannot tolerate, we want to know if the woman is saying the truth or not. Perhaps she wants to get rid of this husband and marry somebody else that she likes better. This is taught in the Mishneh in Nedorim 90b. There was a time when we believed a woman to say things that would force the husband to give her a GET. For instance, she could say that she slept with somebody not her husband and this would force her husband to give her a GET. But then the Mishneh says that the laws were changed. We no longer believe women to make up a story that forces her husband to give her a GET. Maybe she is lying to leave this husband and find another husband she likes better.

However, if witnesses corroborate the story of the wife, that is usually proof that she is not lying and the husband can be forced to give her a GET. Thus, the laws stated in Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 154 about a husband who has a bad odor that forces him to divorce his wife is not a contradiction to the law that a woman cannot force her husband to give a GET. If there is no proof that she is right, she is not believed. Maybe she just wants another husband. But if there is proof and others corroborate her statements about the husband, or if any Beth Din can tell absolutely that the husband goes around with a terrible smell all of the time, in such a case, we believe the wife, and the husband must give a GET.

We are not coming to pasken any Shaalose here, because the issues of believing a wife and believing witnesses is not a simple one. See the Tur Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer chapter 77 and the commentary of the Beis Yosef page 116. There is a great literature in these matters, and we have mentioned one facet. A woman is not believed to force a GET unless she can produce outside proof such as witnesses.

Tosfose in Kesubose 63b D”H Avol quotes the Shaaltose that if witnesses testify that a woman acted in a suspicious manner that she might have been sinning with a man not her husband, the husband is forced to divorce his wife. Again, these matters fill many pages and we are not coming to clarify the final laws. However, we do want to establish that although a woman may not force a GET from her husband, if her demands are supported by witnesses, it is quite possible that the husband will be forced to give her a GET. But her claims without support are not accepted.




Pesak from the Gaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l in a Divorce

Rabbi Dovid Eidensohn

Some years back I was training to be a posek. I would go to various rabbis, dayanim and Gittin experts to learn from them. Once I came to a GET and I walked into the room with those getting divorced. A woman was crying bitterly and next to her sat a woman who looked at me with hate. Of course, she thought I was part of the Beth Din. But I was just a visitor who knew nothing of the people involved in the GET.

The head of the Beth Din was a friend of mine who explained that the man and women had a son. They were secular Israelis and then the husband became religious. The wife was madly in love with her husband. But although she tried her best, she could not tolerate being religious. Finally, advisors told the man to divorce his wife. The wife was crying terribly, because she loved her husband.
I was very disturbed by the decision of the advisors of the husband to counsel him to divorce his wife. Who gave the husband the right to give his son away to his wife who was not religious and would probably raise the son to be irreligious?  But I said nothing then.
Not long after this, I was visiting my rebbe in Israel, the Gaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l, one of the greatest Torah authorities. I told him how disturbed I was that the husband gave away his son. (I didn’t tell him what I thought about the advisors who couldn’t make a compromise with the husband and wife. If the wife is madly in love with her husband, but she can’t be the supper fanatic that he became, let him behave in a way that her love will tolerate. But I knew nothing about the husband and wife and why should I talk about such things? So I told him what I did know and awaited his response.)
Rav Elyashev told me: “If the wife would tolerate taharas hamishpocho (go to the mikva regularly), he would not advise a divorce.” That is a tremendous ruling, something only the greatest sage can utter! It meant that the wife won’t keep Shabbos and maybe not kashruse and who knows what else. But if she keeps taharas hamishpocho the marriage continues. It means that the wife will be the mother of all of his children, and all of them will be raised by a woman who is not Orthodox.
I wonder what the Rov would rule if the woman did not love her husband madly. Maybe that was critical. Maybe he believed that her love would continue if he did not divorce her, and she would very slowly but surely become more and more religious. If she truly loves her husband, and the husband could be encouraged not to be a cruel fanatic, maybe that could improve things? But I did not ask that question. Maybe it was too late to ask questions.
One thing comes out from this sad story. When somebody is faced with such a problem, ask only the greatest authority. There is a postscript to this story that has nothing to do with divorces. I used to speak regularly to the Posek HaDor Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l. Furthermore, I only asked him questions that if he did not tell me the answer, I would probably never find an answer for them.
I once asked him if a person is hopelessly ill and there is no cure. He is in agony and wants to die. Is it necessary to keep him alive even if he wants to die? I am not referring to mercy killing. I am talking about basic “keep him alive” care. Reb Moshe told me that in such a case the person may be allowed to die. I later discovered that his pesak is two open gemoras, Gittin 70 and Avoda Zoro 12. A dying person should be kept alive long enough to arrange his financial affairs with his children so they don’t fight over the inheritance. Perhaps we assume that he is willing to suffer that long, but longer is not necessary.
I once told this to the Gaon Rav Shmuel HaLevi Wosner zt”l and he replied, “Poshut azoy” that is obvious. I wondered why he answered that way and then I realized that since Reb Moshe was the Gadol HaDor in paskening Rav Wosner felt that to say he agrees would not be appropriate, so he just said, “poshut azoy.”
I once heard from the Gaon Rav Moshe Feinstein zt"l that with a serious medical problem we may need three doctors.
Today there are many children who are not successful in schools and begin to take drugs. In Monsey two children overdosed and are buried in the Orthodox cemetery. 
For children like this, how many doctors do we need?



Sunday, July 15, 2018

Ramban and Rambam Permit Pilegesh


GOAL 5 – Marrying with Kiddushin and the Problems

I once spoke to a young woman with children whose marriage had soured, and she found herself without a husband, without a GET, and with young children who had no active father. I sent her a discussion of marriage with Kiddushin or with Pilegesh. The difference is that Kiddushin requires two kosher witnesses, the act of Kiddushin such as the husband expressing his will to marry her, he gives her a ring or some valuable, and writes her a Kesubo. Kiddushin also requires the husband to give her a GET willingly. Otherwise, the GET, if forced, is invalid, and children she has from the next husband can be mamzerim.
Pilegesh, on the other hand, is very basic and simple. A man and woman want to marry, she enters the husband’s house, he provides her basic needs, they have children, and the woman is not acquired as a woman is with Kiddushin. If the woman is acquired she cannot leave the husband without his willing permission. Today this is a crisis affecting many women who are so desperate to leave their husbands who refuse for a variety of reasons to give a willing divorce, that they find some ‘rabbi’ who tells them to force the GET, or the latest disaster, is to tell a woman a reason that her marriage with Kiddushin was invalid, and she was thus never married. I heard from a prominent rabbi in Brazil that it happened in his community, a GET with no participation of the husband, and it happened in France.
The invalid GETs are producing children from the re-marriage of the woman without a GET, who are mamzerim.
I therefore, anticipating a great influx of mamzerim, recommend that women consider marrying with Pilegesh, which is not an act of acquiring the wife, but of two people marrying willingly, who can each one of them leave the marriage with no penalty at all. Especially people who have had problems with previous marriage or who anticipate a world where married people fight a lot, it is much safer to marry with Pilegesh than with Kiddushin.
The Vilna Gaon in the beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin in the Shulchan Aruch, where Pilegesh is discussed, says that the source to permit Pilegesh is the gemora Sanhedrin 21A. There is another opinion mentioned there in the Shulchan Aruch but the Vilna Gaon tears it apart and says at the end of his lengthy denigration of that opinion, for us to look at the Beis Shmuel, who also denigrates that opinion. Thus, The Vilna Gaon, together with the Ramban, who quotes the Rambam as agreeing to Pilegesh, permit Pilegesh, of course, with the condition that she goes to the Mikva.
Let us take a look at the Ramban on Pilegesh.
The Ramban is in the volume of the Rashbo entitled MEYUCHESES, meaning, ascribed as. This means that the volume is ascribed to the Rashbo because the vast majority of the almost three hundred teshuvose are without a name, meaning that we assume they were from the Rashbo, whose name, however, does not appear. We do however find that the author of the volume was a disciple of the Ramban, which explains why, if it was from the Rashbo, he put in two teshuvose from the Ramban and the Ramban’s name is signed on both teshuvose.
On the one hand, the Ramban there clearly is in favor of Pilegesh, but he also adds, in a letter to his rebbe Rabeinu Yonah, that “And you, our rebbe, may HaShem extend your life! In your locality, caution them not to marry a Pilegesh, because if they will know the permission to marry a Pilegesh they will commit zenuse and pritsuse and marry them when they are Nidose.”
This is the problem mentioned in the Shulchan Aruch beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin, that there is an opinion that Pilegesh is forbidden because she will be embarrassed to go to the Mikva without Kiddushin. However, the Ramo there brings another opinion to permit Pilegesh if she will go to the Mikva, and the Vilna Gaon and the Beis Shmuel and the Chelkas Mechokake disagree with the passage in the Ramo that brings an opinion to forbid Pilegesh as sinful. The Vilna Gaon also brings there that the Ramban and the Rambam permit Pilegesh. The fact that the Rambam seems to disagree with this in the Laws of Melochim is answered by the Ramban that the Rambam only forbids Pilegesh for one who is not a king if the marriage was zenuse, which, in of itself, requires explanation, as we will do soon.
To sum up, the Vilna Gaon, in very long passages, clearly permits Pilegesh, and says that Rambam and Rambam also permit Pilegesh. He also devotes an extremely long passage to demolish the opinion of the Ramo in his second opinion (the first opinion permits Pilegesh), and concludes that we should also consult the Beis Shmuel, who also disagrees with that part of the Ramo who forbids Pilegesh. Thus, from the gemora and the great commentators of the Shulchan Aruch in the beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin, we see that Pilegesh is permitted, according to the Vilna Gaon and others such as Ramban, Rambam, Beis Shmuel and others.
The Ramban only added in his comments to his rebbe Rabbeinu Yona, that although he permits Pilegesh, in the city of his rebbe the people cannot be trusted with Pilegesh, because they will use the permission of Pilegesh to come to great sins including not going to the Mikva. However, for others, Ramban definitely permits Pilegesh, and that is the halacha, with the caveat that a Pilegesh should be guided by prominent rabbis who will train her in how to behave in the basic laws of the Torah, such as going to the Mikva.
Let us now quote from the Ramban on Pilegesh. “If a man wants that the woman should be his Pilegesh, that she should not be acquired by him, and not owned by him, and not forbidden to other men, and not sanctified in the slightest, he may. And also the words of the Rambam zt”l are not to forbid Pilegesh to a plain person and to permit Pilegesh only for a king [as would seem from what he says in Melochim], but this is what he says, ‘Anyone who sleeps with a woman as zenuse without Kiddushin is beaten for sleeping with a Kedaisho. And taking a woman for zenuse means that he met her and slept with her and did not dedicate her to be his wife as a Pilegesh, in other words, she was a Kedaisho (a prostitute).”
Let us study these words of the Ramban. He begins, ““If a man wants that the woman should be his Pilegesh, that she should not be acquired by him, and not owned by him, and not forbidden to other men, and not sanctified in the slightest, he may.” We see clearly here the Ramban’s distinction between a woman married with Kiddushin or one married with Pilegesh. A woman married with Kiddushin means that “she is acquired by him, and owned by him.” He has acquired her as if he has taken a piece of property. Never can she leave him unless he dies or gives her a GET willingly. If she does leave without a kosher and willing GET and has a child from another man not her husband, Rambam says in the very beginning of the Laws of Gerushin that the GET given not willingly is worthless. If so, children born from the woman to another man without a kosher Get are mamzerim. This is the situation today when so many women are getting divorced and so many ‘rabbis’ teach women to force the GET or to even leave with no GET and invent some flimsy ridiculous reason why the marriage from the first husband was invalid. We face from these women and their children a crisis of mamzerim.
Pilegesh, on the other hand, says Ramban “If a man wants that the woman should be his Pilegesh, that she should not be acquired by him, and not owned by him, and not forbidden to other men, and not sanctified in the slightest, he may.” Thus, Kiddushin creates the act of acquiring the woman as his property, and he owns her, and is forbidden to other men unless he dies or gives her willingly a kosher GET. Pilegesh is not like that, but the husband and wife can leave any time with absolutely no penalty. No GET or any similar document is required. Personally, if I was involved with a group of Pilegesh people, I would prefer that everything be done with rabbinical supervision and advice as is advised by the greatest proponent of Pilegesh, Reb Yaacov Emden, in his sefer.
Therefore, today, amid the increase in mamzerim brought about by marriages with Kiddushin, the only solution is marrying with Pilegesh. A suffering woman said to me, after hearing about Pilegesh. “If only you had told me that when I was nineteen years old.” Well, I am telling it to you now, and at least, use it for your children.
 The Ramban explains the Rambam “to permit Pilegesh to a plain person who is not a king, not just to permit Pilegesh to a king. But this is what he says, ‘Anyone who sleeps with a woman as zenuse without Kiddushin is beaten for sleeping with a Kedaisho. And taking a woman for zenuse means that he met her and slept with her and did not dedicate her to be his wife as a Pilegesh, in other words, she was a Kedaisho (a prostitute).” But if a simple Jew met a woman and they both want to marry this is permitted and she becomes his Pilegesh, and this is permitted by Rambam. But this is only permitted when they came together with true marriage, not zenuse.
Whereas the Ramban and the Vilna Gaon both say that Rambam accepted Pilegesh for plain people not just for kings, and this seems to conflict with the text we have from the Rambam in Melochim, so we will explain this later. For now, let us go step by step. First step, is to quote the exact words of the Ramban describing what Kedushin does. Again, his words are, “Anyone who sleeps with a woman as zenuse without Kiddushin is beaten for sleeping with a Kedaisho. And taking a woman for zenuse means that he met her and slept with her and did not dedicate her to be his wife as a Pilegesh, in other words, she was a Kedaisho (a prostitute).” Ramban wrote this to explain what the Rambam meant that Pilegesh is only permitted to a king if the king took her as an act of Zenuse. But the problem is: What king will take a woman who is a zona? If the woman slept with the king and then knew that she was sleeping with somebody else, would he marry her or kill her? So this is very difficult to understand.
Another question: The Rambam there in Malochim says that a simple person may not marry a Pilegesh, with the exception of an OMO HOVIRAH with YIUDE, meaning, a woman was sold by her father who was desperate for money to a man who had a son, and she was to work in the house to pay off her father’s loan. Since living in a house with men in it is dangerous for a woman, who can suffer from them, the system of YUID was established, essentially transferring the girl to the level of being married either to the son of the father of the house or the father himself. Now, why is it that a woman who is essentially sold as a servant may be a Pilegesh, but no normal man and woman may marry as Pilegesh? This is a very strong problem.
But the answer is that the Rambam in that place in Malochim is devoting his time to the powers of a king. One thing he decides, in agreement with some in the Talmud but in disagreement with others, is whether a king has the right to take a woman or a man to serve him anyway he feels he needs. Rambam permits this. If so, a king may, as Paroah did, take Sorah for his wife for her great beauty, and only gave her back because she was a prophetess who summoned an angel to smite Pharoah whenever he threatened to take her physically. When he realized that something funny was going on, because no woman could hit with with these blows time and again, he realized that Sorah was not Abraham’s sister, but his wife. He then returned Sorah to Avrohom, with the condition that she must leave Egypt. Pharoah himself escorted with the senior officers of Egpyt, Abraham and Soroh, but Pharoah also gave Sora a gift of the land of Goshen, prime real estate. It was there that the Jews lived when they eventually came to Egypt. King David also used this power to take Bas Sheva who gave birth to his son Shlomo. Women taken by the king are not married willingly, they are taken by royal power that does not consider their will at all. Once they are married to the king and have a child from him, that child will be the next king, most likely, as Shlomo was.
We now return to the Ramban and his interpretation of the Rambam about Pilegesh. Rambam says Ramban, does permit plain people man and wife to marry as Pilegesh. He only says that only kings may do this if the king takes a woman against her will. This is what the Ramban means as one who marries a woman as zenuse. It does not mean that the king marries a harlot who sleeps with a lot of men. No king would take such a woman. A king can take the loveliest woman in the country, but more than anything else, he wants a woman who will bear him a son who will be the next king. Surely he would never take a prostitute who would probably give birth to somebody from a different father. But Rambam was talking about a woman who was a decent woman, perhaps never married, or perhaps married to one man honorably who died. Such a woman when taken by the king without asking her permission is considered marrying in zenuse, meaning, without consent. A plain man is not allowed to force a woman to marry him, even if he forces her to agree the marriage is null and void, it is zenuse. But a king is different. He takes any woman he wants and that is his right. It is not with her consent, and in that sense it is zenuse, but that doesn’t mean she slept with numerous men, because no king would take such a woman to have children from her.
This explains why the Rambam makes an incredible statement. No plain person may marry with Pilegesh other than a king, and one other person, an OMO HOIVRIAH with YIUDE, a woman sold by her father to a family to work who was given the status of somebody who is not free for the husband and his son to play with but is either married to the father or to the son. But she is not married because she wanted to come and marry them. Her father sold her into the family and to protect her from the lust of the men there, YIUDE protects her by considering her married to the father or the son, even though that was done not with her decision to go there for that reason. If so, it was the same zenuse as a king who forces a woman to marry him for his royal prerogative.  But plain men and woman, according to the Ramban according to the Rambam, can marry as man and wife because both of them want to marry each other.
And the Vilna Gaon agrees with Ramban that this is the opinion of the Rambam to permit plain people who are not kings to marry with Pilegesh, only if both husband and wife want to marry.