Contents
Hope for
Married Couples
Rabbi Dovid E.
Eidensohn/845-578-1917
Suffering
from Roman Armies and From Lack of Derech Erets
The Mishneh in Sota 49 tells of two
periods in Jewish suffering. One, in ancient times, when Roman armies destroyed
Israel. Two, a worse period, just prior to the coming of Moshiach, when Derech
Erets, respect for another will weaken. Even respect for the elders of our
families will decline or disappear. Because “Derech Erets comes before the
Torah” as taught in the beginning of the Book of Elijah the Prophet, the loss
of Derech Erets is a true catastrophe. And this lack of Derech Erets destroys
families.
Thus, in our days, when the Satan
is emboldened by his sudden ability to destroy Derech Erets, it is no wonder
that families are split. Instead of husband and wife working as taught in
Rambam to respect and love each other, we have husband and wife standing apart
from each other, hurling hate and ruining the children.
We now have gender war. People
advertise that they are Orthodox feminists. Now, what is an Orthodox feminist?
Somebody who feels that Orthodoxy requires an aroused female element to contest
the other gender, men.
In the early period suffering from
Roman legions, and the latter period suffering from a lost Derech Erets, the Talmud teaches, “And we have nobody to
turn to other than our Father in Heaven.” This does not mean there is no hope.
It means that our Father in Heaven will never forget or desert us; if we
strongly believe and practice that, there is hope. Indeed, it is precisely this
great faith in HaShem, at the most impossible time, that opens the gates to
Moshiach.
Yes, when family collapses, when
Derech Erets departs, even then, the Gates of Heaven are open to those who turn
to HaShem.
What can we do to save our
families, our marriages, our Derech Erets, our sensitivity to others? We can
educate ourselves and our families with Derech Erets and what the Torah
requires of us in marriage and family. I once spoke to a man who had separated
from his wife for ten years, and now they lived separately, but he would not
give her a GET. I suggested that we learn a few lines of the Shulchan Aruch,
the Code of Laws, about family and marriage. After a few lines, he exclaimed,
“I need a wife!” There are a lot of clever teachings out there, but an Orthodox
Jew has a deep respect for the Torah and its written parts, such as the
Shulchan Aruch. This brings us to the project of Shalom Bayis Beth Din.
Shalom Bayis
Beth Din
I therefore suggest that a program
called Shalom Bayis Beth Din be established. A Beth Din in family matters
usually concentrates on divorce, who gets the children, who gets the money,
when a GET is given, etc. But Shalom Bayis Beth Din is not about divorce, it
has nothing to do with divorce, and those on the Beth Din need know nothing
about Gittin and divorce. They are only there to save the marriage, not destroy
it.
Shalom Bayis Beth Din is simply a
program of educating people about Derech Erets and marriage and family. Such an
education ideally should begin years before one marries. I told a prominent
therapist about my program of Shalom Bayis Beth Din, and suggested that it
begin at the age of three. The therapist replied, “It is far too late then. It
must begin at the moment of making the soul of the baby and preparing for its
arrival in the womb.” Somebody heard this and said that this is a gemora[1],
that the soul of a child depends on the love the parents have for each other.
Yes, exactly. And that begins very early. And yet, it may take years of
training to achieve the proper intimacy that can produce a pure and happy soul
of a baby.
Problems
Accepting the Strictures of Kiddushin
We now come to another problem that
helps to ravage marriage. I am talking about Kiddushin. One who marries with
Kiddushin is not free to leave the marriage, surely not the woman or wife, and
even the husband or man is somewhat limited. Thus we have many women who cannot
tolerate their husbands, and want a divorce, but he won’t give her a GET. Furthermore,
a GET, in the vast majority of cases, much be given by the husband willingly,
or the GET is invalid. If the woman remarries with a forced GET without the
husband’s free will, it is invalid. If the woman remarries with an invalid GET,
the babies from the next husband are mamzerim. This in of itself frightens many
people who are reluctant to marry with Kiddushin, especially women. And those
who do marry with Kiddushin, often live to regret it. When their pain becomes
public knowledge it weakens the enthusiasm of others, especially women, to
marry with Kiddushin.
Those trapped in marriage and realize
that their lives are over with, may decide, and some women do, to give up their
Orthodox religion, at least until they get a GET. Somebody told me about a person
who goes around counseling women from broken marriages. When the women have no
hope of living with their husband they get what they need from him in a hideous
manner. Thus, Kiddushin can be a portal to Gehenum.
Some declare that any husband who
refuses to give a GET is torturing his wife. From this follows the idea that
people should pressure and humiliate the husband and do worse things until he
is forced to give his wife a GET. Others suggest prenups, having the husband
sign a document that when the wife demands a GET he must give it immediately or
pay a large sum of money each month or week until he has no choice but to give
a GET. I just want to say, as one who has semicha to have a Beth Din of Gittin
from the Gaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”L, that forcing a GET from a man is
usually forbidden, and if done, produces an invalid GET, which if used to
remarry, produces mamzerim. I also want to say, that there is a clear proof
from the Mishneh in Nedarim 90b, that a prenup is forbidden, as is any device
that enables a woman to force her husband to give her a GET on demand. Somebody
“proves” from the Nachalas Shiva that prenups are permitted. But there it is
talking about a woman who was abused by her husband and she ran away to her
father’s house. The husband is forced by a Beth Din to support her expenses for
food while she is away from her husband’s house and staying with her father.
This money was not designed to force a GET. It was designed to force the
husband and wife to report to Beth Din a few weeks maximum after the wife ran
out of the house when the husband abused her. The money the husband gives his
wife is only to pay for her food in her father’s house because the husband
drove her there with his abuse. It has nothing to do with forcing every husband
to honor his wife’s demand for a GET any time she makes it, something clearly
forbidden by the Mishneh in Nedarim 90b.
Who Refuses
to Marry?
Who may marry with Kiddushin? What
kind of question is that? Of course, every Jewish man and woman may marry with
Kiddushin. But this is not so simple. Take, for instance, today, when many
people are frightened of Kiddushin. They see what happens to many women whose
husbands won’t give them a GET, and they are ruined for life. Some women are
not married at all, but are frightened by the rules of Kiddushin. They are not
strong enough to accept living with a husband they hate forever. They are not
strong enough to accept a life of misery with such a husband. Therefore, they
are reluctant to marry in the first place, because they fear a failed marriage
with no escape.
The fear of Kiddushin is a very
important item on our agenda of discussing problems in marriage. If a person is
truly afraid of Kiddushin, what are they to do? Let us imagine that a lady had
a bad marriage, and perhaps, after much patience, horror, and despair, finally
gets a kosher GET, given willingly by the husband or given by the husband for a
sum of money from the wife. Now people suggest to this lady various men. Is she
ready for Kiddushin? Is she ready to go through what she already tasted because
of the rules of Kiddushin, or not?
At this point, allow me to comment
on this woman’s decision. It all depends on whether or not the woman is able to
struggle with Kiddushin another time, with no GET until the husband finally
decides to give one willingly, or perhaps the husband will accept a large sum
of money to give a GET. What do I say about this? I say as follows: If the
woman is ready to take a chance, and maybe be ruined for life, with a living
husband who refuses to give her a GET, then she may, in terms of halacha, marry
with Kiddushin. If the woman cannot really be sure that she will last the rest
of her life with a husband she hates, she is forbidden to marry with Kiddushin!
I feel this is obvious, but I was told that a major posek in Israel said this.
Again, a woman may not marry with Kiddushin unless she is positive that no
matter what, she will never violate the rules of Kiddushin. This means, if the
marriage sours, and the husband is the opposite of what she wants, she must not
seek release from the husband by forcing him to give a GET against his will.
She will not go with the organization of ORA who don’t obey the Shulchan Aruch
that one may not force a GET in the vast majority of cases.
Again, a woman who will honor
Kiddushin to the end, no matter what, may marry with Kiddushin. But a woman who
doubts this, and knows she may finally go to a rabbi who permits forcing the
husband to give a GET without his true will, should not marry with Kiddushin.
But if she cannot marry with
Kiddushin, should she remain alone, with a dead marriage? That is also
forbidden, as a Jewish man and woman may not live alone but are commanded to
have more children and not live alone. But here is a woman who cannot marry
with Kiddushin, because she is not strong enough to be sure that she will honor
it properly. She is also forbidden to live alone without an active husband. So
what can she do? There is one solution. The answer is that she should marry a
man with Pilegesh marriage, and we will explain what Pilegesh marriage means.
Pilegesh
Marriage and Spousal Relationships
Pilegesh marriage means that the
husband and wife are completely married, but the husband or wife can leave the
marriage at any time. During the marriage, the woman lives in the house of the
husband exactly as man and wife. The woman and the man are married and must
honor each other by not going to other men or women. As long as they live
together in the same house and are married, they are married only to each other
and to nobody else. And if the wife goes to another man, the Pilegesh marriage
is immediately ended and the wife must leave the house.
I have been asked by a dear friend
to describe how I would define the spousal relationship of Pilegesh, or more
specifically, how I would want to have a community of Pilegesh people behave in
their spousal relationships.
1)
Question: What are spousal
relationship rules in Pilegesh? Answer: My book Secret of the Scale is about
gender issues. I have spent much of my life dealing with the issues of male and
female. Just recently, I needed very much to find somebody to discuss an issue
with. I was walking out of shull, bothered by my inability to find somebody to
help me with that issue, and I suddenly noticed that in the sky that was
usually clouded over there was a shining moon and no clouds near it. I dashed
to say Kiddush Halevono, and then I realized that the moon had come to me to
explain how to answer my issue, who I should talk to. The Moon is a female
holiness, so I discussed the issue with my wife. Afterwards, I was completely
satisfied. Secret of the Scale is a book about male and female as old fashioned
scale plates. The two scale plates rise and fall, never simultaneously, but as
one falls the other rises. Then that one falls and the other plate rises. Thus,
marriage is a process of taking turns in who is on top and who is on the
bottom. This cyclical movement produces a wonderful harmony. Competitive
spouses destroy marriage. The solution is to constantly fall to raise the other
spouse, and then, the other spouse goes down and raises you, and the cycle
never ends. Such is the proper way of all marriages, all spousal relations, and
Pilegesh is a spousal relationship.
2)
Question: In pilegesh
marriage, does the wife have any status of "ezer k'negdo"?
Answer: See Rambam Mishneh Torah, Ishuse
15:19, “And the rabbis have taught that a man must honor his wife more than
himself, and love her as he loves himself.” Honoring the wife means spending
money on her more than he spends on himself.
Raishis Chochmo) If there is money only for one winter coat, the wife
gets it. See also question number four and the teaching of Rashi and the Zohar
that a husband must devote his life to making his wife happy, not himself,
although when she is happy she will probably make him happy as well. But the
obligation to make his wife happy falls upon the man.
3)
Question: Should perhaps
both spouses be defined as "ezerim" for each other? Answer: The wife
is not an ezer. She is an ezer kinegdo, a helper against him, and the question
is, does the male have the same role with the woman that the woman has with the
male? Is he an ezer kinegdo of the woman or just a plain ezer or what? Just
what is the role of the male with the female? We have a passage in the Torah, “And he will
make his wife rejoice.” Rashi and the Zohar tell us this means that the husband
will make his wife rejoice, not himself. Meaning, he does not go about making both of them enjoying life,
rather, he works specifically on making the wife happy. Her, not him. What
happens when she is happy because of him? Of course, she reciprocates, and they
are one happy family. But his attitude is full blast for her happiness without
his own. That is his mitzvah. The wife does not have this mitzvah directly, but
she does have ezer kinegdo meaning that she is there to be a helpmate and to be
available to point out his errors in building the house, etc. But the husband
does have this mitzvah directly, the obligation to live to make his wife happy,
not to make both of them happy, but focused on her happiness. When he does
that, surely she reciprocates, but his mitzvah is full blast to make the wife
happy, and she does not have this.
4.
Question: Does a pilegesh husband have any authority
over his wife at all? Answer: Since in Pilegesh marriage the wife or husband
can leave anytime, the husband is surely limited in his authority, which, even
if he does have some authority over his wife, it ends when she decides to leave
the house and the marriage. Having said that, I would recommend anyone seeking
Pilegesh marriage, to strongly imitate the basic marital relations of Jewish
people. The authority of the husband is part of the respect of the spouses for
each other. Rambam says that the husband must love his wife as he loves
himself, and respect her more than he respects himself, which can be
interpreted in terms of buying things for her that he needs for himself. If
there is only money for one winter coat, the wife gets it. And the husband is
commanded to make his wife rejoice, which means he makes her rejoice in their
marriage, not that he makes himself and her together rejoice. The idea is that
the husband must emphasize his obligation to make his wife happy, without
feeling an obligation to make himself happy. However, when the wife rejoices
from the husband’s efforts, surely she will reciprocate and make him happy.
Rambam also says that the wife must have a very extreme level of respect for
her husband. And it is surely appropriate to maintain this level in Pilegesh
marriage, as this is the way Jews in spousal relationships, Kiddushin or
Pilegesh, should behave.
5. Question: Whose minhagim should be
followed in the household? Answer: If the Minhag is not one that creates sins
for one who doesn’t follow them, and assuming that the wife will not have pain
from changing customs from her father’s house, the husband’s minhag is probably
preferable. In the event that the husband knows how much the Minhag means to
his wife, he may keep that in mind also. However, as a general rule, I would
recommend that when there is a clash between husband or wife, or between any
close people, it is always better not for one person to force his way, but
rather, the question should be submitted to an authority. Anytime an authority
has ruled between husband and wife, the marriage is surely saved from what
could be bitter feelings. When people ask me such questions, and I tell them
what the proper way to behave, I always add that I suggest that they blame me
for the decision, and not the people involved.
6. Question: In pilegesh marriage,
is there any obligation on the husband to provide sheirah, kesusah, and onasah?
Should a pilegesh husband voluntarily accept upon himself to provide his wife's
onasah even if not required by halacha? Answer: A husband in Kiddushin must supply
his wife by Torah ruling with food, clothing, and intimacy. In Pilegesh
marriage, I recommend that the couple accept upon itself the basic spousal and
marital customs common to the vast majority of marriages, with Kiddushin. This
will surely contribute to the happiness of the wife which is very important in
Pilegesh marriage, because the wife can leave anytime. Better to keep her
happy, with food, clothing and intimacy, for the sake of the marriage, which
even in Pilegesh marriage, should be a serious attempt to remain married for a
long time or forever!
7. Question: Should a pilegesh wife
voluntarily accept a few household duties like making meals for the husband in
order to please him? Answer: We mentioned previously that in marriage, through
Kiddushin or Pilegesh, each spouse must always try to please the other spouse.
Ideally, we want a permanent marriage, even in Pilegesh marriage. And this
requires a feeling in both husband and wife that both of them are trying their
best to please the other one.
The above are basic understandings, that go
back to the requirement in marriage, in Kiddushin or Pilegesh, to aim for
permanent marriage by pleasing the other spouse constantly, a process that
leads to reciprocation and constant pleasing of the other. That is true
marriage.
A Split in
Orthodox Judaism
The
Orthodox Increases and the Hyphenated Orthodox Declines
Rabbi Dovid E.
Eidensohn
The Orthodox Increase in population
is powered by large families and by people who are not Orthodox deciding to become
Orthodox. When the Posek HaDor Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l died, a secular
newspaper revealed that he left over a thousand progeny of children,
grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. What did this fact mean to the secular
Israeli? What it meant is that here is a person, one man, who produced over a
thousand people who were either all or most basically Orthodox as he was.
Compare this with the secular Israel who has a very small birth rate. The sad
comment on the secular Israeli’s propagation is that a family produces a child
and a dog. The child then goes to Japan to marry somebody who is not Jewish,
and the dog doesn’t vote.
Years ago the secular Kibbuts,
perhaps controlled by leftist or even Communists, produced the senior officers
of the army. But today those Kibbutsim have declined or disappeared, and the
new element powering up the Israel army is completely Orthodox soldiers who
believe that defending the holy land is a great mitzvah. After a period of some
years, these Orthodox soldiers have made a good name for themselves, and they
are on their way to be the future generals. The recent battles in Gaza were led
by an Israeli colonel who is completely Orthodox. He spent years in America
learning from and teaching American soldiers. If he wasn’t Orthodox he would
probably have become a general by now. But making future generals Orthodox is a
great threat to the secularists who control the army. But rejecting Orthodox
soldiers from the highest positions is futile, because nobody else in Israel is
so motivated to be a top soldier.
Our remarks here are not about the
secular Jew, but about those who call themselves Orthodox or those who call
themselves Orthodox plus a hyphenated word such as Modern Orthodox or Open
Orthodox. When we say that they decline, what do we base this on? Basically,
somebody who is Orthodox plus Modern or Open reveals that his Orthodoxy is
tampered with other beliefs, and these beliefs are contrary to Orthodoxy.
Otherwise, who needs the hyphenation? Just say you are Orthodox.
Let us examine the Orthodoxy of
Modern Orthodox Jews. Are they completely Orthodox? First of all, who are they?
Many of them come from Yeshiva University. Now, Yeshiva University was the only
game in town in the early years of the twentieth century. Great European
Gedolim taught there and instilled a Jewish spirit in many people who were
ready to go to a secular college and get completely lost. But after a class or
two with the European Gedolim, these American college students then studied
under the atheists who teach in the secular colleges. Here is hyphenation. And
it produces confusion. But confusion is not the right word. It produces an
understanding that Orthodoxy is a compartmentalized religion. Part Rav
Soloveitchik and part the people who teach about Einstein and other things that
are filled with anti-Torah ideas. But things are worse than that. Let us be
specific about the problems with Modern Orthodox. Yes, they are Modern in one
compartment and then Orthodox in a separate compartment. Is this somebody who
believes in Sinai and the Torah or somebody who is two people part believer and
part denier?
Let us talk about Modern Orthodox
people who play the American game and want the highest degrees and the best
jobs. How many years does it take to get a doctorate or training in some
advanced specialty? We are talking about unmarried people, because until they
graduate with all of their required degrees and begin making some good money,
marriage is unlikely. The rabbis required marriage at the age of eighteen and
no later than twenty. But for the Modern Orthodox person, that is impossible.
Getting a master’s degree takes years, and getting a doctorate takes years. A
doctor must spend years after he gets his degree doing actual medical work
until he eventually is granted his full license to practice. He is not young.
His biology has been boiling for years. And yes, he has not been without girls.
And they, too, have biology. Since they are Modern Orthodox, the dating is also
compartmentalized. Don’t ask for details.
A YU student told me that there are
students in the Modern Orthodox YU world who cannot marry but do have intimate
relationships that are proper only for married people. The Rebbes in YU spoke
out about such people. The very fact that they practice keeping the Mikva and
are alone like husband and wife on a regular basis, could possibly create a
pesak that they are married. If so, if the woman leaves this man and marries
with somebody else, without a GET from the first man, her children are
mamzerim. Yes, the hyphen goes a long way. It is terrible.
Now let me tell you a story that
happened with me recently, that is quite relevant to our discussion. I spoke to
people who are hyphenated Orthodox and I had for them what I thought was a
home-run idea. Kiddushin often destroys the wife when the husband won’t give
her a GET. So let them marry with Pilegesh, and anyone can leave anytime. I
sweetened the pot by saying that when a Kiddushin lady remarries without a GET,
her children from the new marriage are mamzerim. In Pilegesh there is no such
thing, no mamzerim. I was shocked to realize that my idea was completely
rejected. I don’t mean they rejected Pilegesh. They did not. But they rejected
the negative information that Kiddushin can produce mamzerim. And the tone of
voice was that this was completely wrong to even discuss. I was confused.
But now I am beginning to
understand. When a person is two opposites, Modern and Orthodox, he or she is
compartmentalized, which is not my invention, but I heard it from others. The
part of the hyphenated Orthodox is really Orthodox. But the part that is Modern
is completely free to have sinful relations with people who should be married
to do certain things. If you talk to that person’s Orthodox side, you see a
full fledged keeper of Shabbos and kashruth. But when you talk about
anti-Orthodox things that are the property of the Modern, you cannot talk at
all about Orthodox sin, so just keep quiet.
I do not believe that everybody who
joins a Modern Orthodox Shull or group is compartmentalized. I believe that
many of them accept that they are one person and yet are simply too weak to
obey the Orthodox teaching as they should. Such a person can readily discuss
what he practices and what he does not practice, without hesitation, without
inventions, without being two people but being one person. Such a person has a
much easier time of considering dropping the hyphenation and becoming
completely Orthodox. But the compartmentalized person doesn’t always believe in
Orthodoxy, sometimes he is “Modern” and then, the Torah is not important.
When I say that hyphenated Orthodox
is in decline, I mean that an Orthodoxy without Torah is a complete farce, and
any intelligent person knows that. And although the many hyphenated people and
compartmentalized people are firm believers in splitting the brain into two
people, such a trick is not strong enough to appeal to people who think
normally in terms of one brain and one person and one set of beliefs. Thus, the
Modern Orthodox with its opposite brains is a state of impossible confusion,
and can only produce more confusion. The hyphenated Orthodox are busy splitting
into Modern and then Orthodox. One who reads their material knows he is dealing
with people who don’t think straight. This is a formula for division and
decline.
Again, as time goes on, the
straight Orthodox, or the straight ultra-Orthodox, without confusion, without
two opposing beliefs, will increase in number and gain ascendency in the
Orthodox world. Far down the road, there will be some people who think they are
two people, and eventually, who will even notice them?
The Need for
Torah and Wealth
The gemora in Horiyuse 10B tells how the
students of Rovo, one of the greatest sages of the gemora, visited him. He
asked them if they finished this and that volume of the Talmud and they said
they have finished the books. He then asked them if they were wealthy. Rav Popo
replied that he was wealthy. Rovo was pleased with this response, because one
who is comfortable financially can learn Torah with peace of mind, unlike a
person troubled constantly with debt.
We have a gemora quoting Shlomo HaMelech in
Mishlei that one should not marry until he has a house and a good job.
See Sota 44a. When we note that in Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer I:3 it says a man
should marry before twenty, and when we find in chazal "an eighteen year
old should marry" we wonder where all the money came that an eighteen year
old who spent most of his time learning Torah suddenly had money for a house
and a good job.
The answer is as follows: A child has no
obligation to keep the Torah, because only one who is Bar Mitsvah must keep the
Torah. However, the father of the child has an obligation to train the boy for
adulthood. Whatever an adult must do the child must be trained for it. If an
adult must learn nine hours a day and work three hours a day as the Rambam
Talmud Torah I:12 and Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 156:1 tell us, a
father must teach his son at a very early age to learn how to earn. Originally,
the father makes it very easy, such as telling the son to go to school with
some fruit from the farm and trade it with another child who is also learning
how to buy and sell. But gradually, the child builds up experience, is trained
to rap on doors, finds out the hard way that some people are not honest, and
gradually develops under his father's tutelage into a first rate businessman.
At the age of Bar Mitsvah he is already learning how to invest his savings into
buying property if the price is right, and then he sells it when the price
rises. At the age of eighteen he is ready for marriage. He has money for a
house and has a going business in various things, real estate, selling things
from the farm such as leather, and other opportunities.
Imagine a house where an eighteen year old boy
has wealth. How much peace and contentment is in that house. How happy is the
wife who can have what she needs and more. How happy are the children of that
house, especially when their father begins training them in business, together
with their main efforts, in learning Torah. Such a family trains children to be
great in Torah and wealthy. This is what the Torah wants from people, if they
make the effort and merit it. Because not everyone merits wealth, but it is
surely an ideal to strive for.
Some rabbis such as Rabbi Akiva and Rabbi Yehuda
the Prince were extremely wealthy. Some were very poor, like Hillel. But how
lovely it is to train a child from childhood to aim for wealth, to understand
business, and to manage, in a few hours as a child, to establish himself as a
successful businessman by the time he reaches marital age.
Children spend hours and hours on having fun.
The best fun is to learn to earn and to watch the coins pile up. That brings a
family of happiness and blessing.
Question: Do we raise our children to be great
in Torah and wealthy? Or do we raise them to be "Great" in Torah,
which almost never happens, and when it doesn't happen, a family is in trouble.
And if we don't raise a child to earn, and he faces marital age, what hope does
he have to have a house and a good job? Is this what Rambam says applies to a
person who does not have a house and a good job and marries, that he is a
Tipash? Rambam Mishneh Torah Dayose V:11
It is time to think carefully: Are we raising
our children to be wealthy and great in Torah, or are we raising them to be
Tipshim? Recall the above, that a gemora in Sota 44a clearly forbids marriage
without a house and a good job, and this is brought in Shulchan Aruch Oruch
Chaim 156:1. Why do so many people ignore open gemoras and poskim? Why, when we
see the misery in so many broken families, we don't think into this?
Marriage is
a Major Move: Not Everyone is Prepared for It
Marriage is in of itself a major
move. Before marriage a person is a king with nobody to interfere with what he
wants to do. Marriage means a person spends the rest of his life joined with
another person who has their unique desires and attitudes, and the husband and
wife have to learn how to share a limited space.
One leaves his personal life and
personality and becomes united into one unit with a spouse. Not everybody has
the training and ability to do such a thing. Somebody told me that in Brooklyn
there is a shull whose majority of members are old bachelors. People raised
with the hopes that they will earn such and such and achieve such and such may
be enthralled with themselves and not willing to share the glorious dreams
dancing in their heads with a spouse.
The truth of the matter is that
especially today moving away from the self into a marriage is no easy matter.
Increasingly, people fear it and avoid it. In one neighborhood it is known that
people come of age to marry but shack up and do so with no shame. They are too
old to live alone and lack the training to share their lives with another
person. So they indulge in a life that defies the Torah, no marriage but the
other things associated properly only with marriage.
Another problem in marriage today
is simply that people don’t find what they want. There are families where
parents work hard to find a mate for their children. And there are families
where parents don’t work hard to find a mate for their children. The shame and
the pain in finding a mate for a child is very much an excuse for a lot of
people to quit. You are sure that your best friend’s son is perfect for your
daughter, but your best friend doesn’t think so. Without a parent to rely upon
to find you a mate, you are on your own. You could look for a shadchon and many
people do that. You could accept advice and people from friends and others. But
do you know what you want? How should you know if you were never married?
The rabbis say that as a person
ages something changes in him and he is a different person. That different
person is a challenge when it comes to marriage. The basic question is: Is
marriage a passing moment in life, or is it always available? Well, let us hope
that it is always available, but one thing is for sure, it gets harder with
each passing year.
Life is a rotating wheel and we are
looking at it. When it passes us, we can act to seize what is on that wheel, or
we can ignore it. There is no way to know everything about people passing us.
We have a small opportunity to take or reject, and our lives depend a lot on
what we decide.
