Shiur Telephone Even Hoezer #12 – Rights of Parents and
Children in a Divorce
1.
We know that there are
discussions on the rights of a husband or wife in a GET divorce. Here we want
to discuss the rights of a parent when the child seeks a divorce, and the right
of the children when the parents seek a divorce.
2.
Let us begin by stating
that the divorce of a child or a parent is a devastating thing. That is, when a
person or couple want a divorce, this causes great pain to the parents of the
couple and their children. Regardless of whether or not this pain has its own
specific halacha, it is real. That is, a parent, even if we ignore the mitsvah
of honoring a parent, has something to say about a divorcing child, simply
because of the agony produced.
3.
Is a parent different than
other Jews, who are commanded, “Love your fellow as yourself”? Is this how we
love a parent, by breaking their hearts over the horrors of a child’s divorce?
4.
I once heard of a bitter
battle over divorce, and it seems that a parent was so ill from it that I was
warned not to talk to him about it at all, for medical reasons. Here we see
that the horrors of the divorce could kill a parent. Is this not something to
think about?
5.
The Shulchan Aruch Yoreh
Dayo 240:1 tells us that we are commanded to honor and fear our parents. In
paragraph 3 we are told, “How far does the mitzvah to fear our parents go? If
one is dressed well and sitting at the front of the community and his parents
came and tore his clothes and hit him on his head and spit in his face, he must
not shame them, but be silent and fear the King of Kings who commanded this.”
6.
YD 240:24 “One is obligated
to honor his father-in-law.” How much honor is given during the breakup of a marriage?
7.
It is true that the son
does not have to obey his father who prevents him from doing a mitzvah (YD
240:25) such as the son who wants to learn Torah somewhere he can succeed and
the father forbids him to do this because there is an element of danger to
travel there, or if the father forbids the son to marry somebody the child wants
to marry. However, what if the father tells the son not to divorce his wife
because he has children who need both parents? Here the father is telling the
son to do a mitzvah, and the son must obey because it is a mitzvah and it is
also a mitzvah to obey his father. And if the father says nothing, but will
have great pain from the divorce and the suffering of the children, is this not
also a violation of honoring a parent?
8.
See Rashbatz I:אונסא דאחריני that
listening to a father who wants the son to make peace is a mitzvah.
Furthermore, if the son is beaten to force him to obey his father, such as when
the father commands him to divorce his wife, this is not a coerced GET because
it is a mitzvah to obey the father and end the fighting.
9.
The Chazon Ish Gittin 99:2 ד"ה בב"י שם
suggests that others disagree with Rashbatz and say that one is not obligated
to obey his father in such instances. However, the Rashbatz clearly says that
the son must listen to his father to divorce in order to make peace. That is,
the father’s command is not enough to force the son to obey unless the son is
already obligated by the Torah to do the mitzvah, whatever it is. Therefore,
the sources the Chazon Ish brings to disprove the Rashbatz are only if there is
no separate mitzvah to obey what the father has commanded. But if there is a
separate mitzvah to do what the father commands, and the father adds his
command, then the son must obey his father. That answers the questions of the
Chazon Ish on the Rashbatz. We are not, ruling in this dispute, just mentioning
it.
10. Having said this, we
mention the Chofetz Chaim who once counseled
a couple to divorce. Somebody said to the Chofetz Chaim, “And can the
Chofetz Chaim tell people to divorce?” The Chofetz Chaim answered,
“According to you, why does the Torah
command the laws of divorce when the couple must always make peace?”
11. And what of the rights of
children who are being torn apart by the divorce?
12. See Pesachim 87b that
HaShem told Hoshea to divorce his wife so he would be closer to HaShem and
farther from material things, but Hoshea protested that he had children, and
how could he divorce his wife? HaShem agreed with Hoshea not to divorce his
wife. We see the importance of children not being separated from their father
through a divorce.
13. See also Pesachim 113: If
somebody divorces his wife once or twice and then takes her back, this is
intolerable, but if he had children from her, it is acceptable, because how can
he leave his children?
.
See Choshen Mishpot 290:1 “Beth Din is the father of orphans.” Beth Din
is responsible for the welfare of little children. If the welfare of children
depends to a great degree on the success of the marriage, should Beth Din not
try to make shalom instead of accepting a GET right away?
. There was once a massive
program for some mitzvah. And I thought, for this mitzvah there is a massive
program. But for saving marriages there are no massive programs. Indeed, what
programs are there at all?
The terrible problems with
marriage today are convincing some people to refuse to get married in the first
place. There is a huge increase in single-dom. What massive program is done for
this?
.
There are many broken
children. What massive program is being done for the children?
.
Gedolei HaDor told me that
the entire system is a problem. There is something very wrong.
.
Briefly, in earlier
generations for thousands of years, people learned and earned. There was no
special class of people who only learned, although here and there an individual
did this at great cost with great difficulty. (Zohar Chodosh Beraishis)
But, says the above Zohar,
today we can no longer do learning without earning, and “if there is no bread
there is no Torah.”
.
Rebbe Yehuda quoted in the
Zohar above says that whoever only learns and does not prepare himself to work
is as one who takes paganism to himself. Without a good job or income a person
just runs after a few dollars and has no peace of mind to serve HaShem and
learn Torah.
Rambam דעות
ה,יא says
that one may only marry if he has a house and a job. But if people married at
seventeen and learned before then, when did the money for a house and a job
come about?
A child has no mitzvah
other than to prepare for being an adult. If an adult must learn nine hours and work three, as Rambam says ת"ת א,יב, a
child must emulate this. That is, a child, from earliest years, combines
earning with learning. After ten or fifteen years, the child, helped by parents
to learn and succeed, has a good income, property and training in earning. He
marries at seventeen or eighteen and has a paid up house and a job. He has
money and peace of mind and shalom bayis. He raises his children to make money
and succeed in learning and earning.
.
Indeed, we find Gedolei
HaDor throughout the generations who were wealthy. Rovo in Horiyuse י ע"ב
told his students to achieve wealth to be able to learn without worries
and distractions.
Today, everyone must learn,
and there is no source of money other than the wife and her parents spending
money that is not there. It doesn’t work. And the marriage doesn’t work.
It is time to go back to
the way of Chazal. We no longer can raise children to learn as they did in
Vollozhen, in constant proximity to starving. That is over with. Today, we must
raise children who earn and learn as children, and enter adulthood with wealth,
as was done in earlier generations for thousands of years.
.
Again, I heard from Gedolei
Yisreol of the past and present generations, that the present system is not
working. Obviously, the divorces and broken children testify to that.
The above Zohar tells us that today there is no other
path than “If there is no bread there is no Torah.”
We must return to the old
way of earning, learning, and achieving wealth in Torah and money.
How this can be done, to
truly emulate the ancient ways of Chazal, requires much thought, especially
today when children cannot go to work by governmental decree. But to work for
themselves is not forbidden. At any rate, we must consider the fiscal situation
to improve marriage and family life.
If anyone wants to discuss
these things I can be reached at eidensohnd@gmail.com
or 845-578-1917.
Dovid Eidensohn
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