Shalom
Bayis Beth Din
By Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
The purpose of Shalom
Bayis Beth Din is to promote Shalom Bayis. We have a group of activists working
with us and a group of Talmidei Chachomim. Our goal is not to divide the
children and the properties between husband and wife in a broken marriage and
divorce, but rather to introduce Torah attitudes to improve the marriage and
make Shalom.
ושמח
את אשתו
The Torah
teaches[1] “When
a man marries a new wife, he shall not go out to the army, nor shall obligations
to the military for any reason apply to him; for one year he shall be
completely involved with his house, and he shall make his wife that he took,
rejoice.”
Rashi explains that this means “He shall make his wife rejoice. And
one who translates this and ‘he shall rejoice together with his wife’ is in
error, because it means he must make his wife rejoice, not himself.” The same
idea is in the Zohar in this part of the Torah, that the husband must make his
wife happy, not himself.
The Raishis Chochmo, a major commentary, says that this applies to
money.[2] “This
means that he must honor her constantly with money and clothes more than his
means.”
A house where the husband sacrifices his own wants to honor his
wife is a house of peace. A house where the husband and wife argue about who
gets what with the money or clothing is a house with one foot somewhere else.
And what is the proper way for a woman to behave? The Raishis
Chochmo says[3]
“Moshe was commanded to teach Torah to the women before the men, because the
ladies guide their children to go to learn Torah in school, and watch them
carefully that they learn Torah, and they have mercy on them when they come
from school, and speak to them nice things, and watch them that they don’t
waste time from Torah learning, and they teach the children fear of heaven when
they are young. And it is thus that righteous women create Torah and fear of
heaven.
“And a woman should be careful that when her husband comes from
work and he is tired and drained, that she urge him to spend time learning
Torah and to give charity.”
The Raishis Chochmo continues at great length about the proper path
of the female. And he has much to say about how men should behave as well. See
what he writes about the path of humility for the man, how he must control his
anger and flee honor. See there the chapter on humility chapter two and
elsewhere.
The point is that all people have problems with anger and other bad
traits. The Chofetz Chaim used to closet himself in a shull and cry with great
tears to HaShem. Somebody once followed him to see what he was doing in shull
on a regular basis. He heard the Chofetz Chaim cry out to HaShem standing
before the Oron HaKodesh, “Master of the Universe! I am a Cohen. And a Cohen
has a tendency to become angry. Please save me from anger.” So what should we
say?
In a video, I talked about
love and fear in the house, and I claimed that in a house, if a father once
lets loose with his frustration even a word or two, and a child is pained,
nobody knows the cost of that anger. Therefore, fear is crucial to teach a
person control in the house, especially in the house with his close family. Because what we do to insult strangers passes,
as they don’t really care. But a family does care and may never forget.
Therefore, let us fear, and let us love, and let us pray that we
behave. It is not so simple. If the Chofetz Chaim had to constantly pray in
front of the Aron HaKodesh not to have anger, one of the worst traits, what
does that mean for us?
[1]
Devorim 24,5
[2]
Raishis Chochmo chapter on Derech Erets page 266 – Derech Erets the man with
his wife
[3] Perek
Derech Erets page 255 “The fourth gate is the Derech Erets appropriate for
women”
