Halacha of Marriage, Divorce, and Family - blog address torahhalacha.blogspot.com: Shmose - The Struggles of People and Hope for the ...

Halacha of Marriage, Divorce, and Family - blog address torahhalacha.blogspot.com: Shmose - The Struggles of People and Hope for the ...: The Jews in Egypt – שמות Dovid Eidensohn In Pirkei DiRebbe Eliezar [1] , one of the oldest books, with the commentary of the geniu...

How to Read and Understand Exactly What Rambam Meant

To Read Rambam

Dovid Eidensohn

We want here to understand how to read and understand what the Rambam wrote in Mishneh Torah, his great commentary on the basic laws of the Torah.[1] We have selected a particularly difficult passage in the Rambam which seems to fly directly into the teaching of the Vilna Gaon and the Ramban, the greatest authorities[2]. These two greats teach that the Rambam approves of Jewish marriage not only with Kiddushin which is customary but also with Pilegesh. The Vilna Gaon even proves his point by showing a gemora in Sanhedrin 21A that permits marrying with Pilegesh. But the Rambam in the laws of Melochim seems to say just the opposite, namely, that only a king may marry a Pilegesh, not ordinary Jews. The question is dynamite.[3]

This is the Rambam there, “And the king may take from all of the Jews women and Pilagshim. Women with a Kesubo and Kiddushin, and Pilagshim with no Kesubo and no Kiddushin, but by establishing a marriage he obtains her and they are married. But ordinary Jews are forbidden to marry a Pilegesh, other than the Omo Hoivriah [a woman given by her father who has no money to a man who will accept her in his house as a servant and marry her or give him to his son, so she is not left alone in a house without marriage where men will abuse her].”

Yes, the question is explosive. The Rambam clearly writes, “An ordinary man may not marry a Pilegesh” and this defies the gemora quoted by the Vilna Gaon, his stated opinion, and that of the Ramban, both who clearly permit Pilegesh.

I wish to say that I received in writing from the Geonim Reb Moshe Feinstein and Reb Yaacov Kaminetsky both zt”l that they know me as one who can plunge deep into deep Torah commentaries and reveal new light. And now I will try to do that here.

First of all, we refer to what we quoted footnote #1 above, the Teshuva of Ramo in the name of Rabbi Eliezar Ashkenazi, who had new ways of understanding Rambam. How can that be done here? If Rambam says clearly only a king may marry a Pilegesh, how can this be resolved with the gemora, Vilna Gaon and Ramban, if they all say a Pilegesh is permitted to a simple person who is not a king?

It seems that the Ramo had exactly the same problem that we have. The Mishneh in Nedarim 90b says clearly that a woman after the earlier phases of the Mishneh when women would never lie about their husbands were suspected of lying in order to find a better husband and would lie about their husbands. Therefore, the Mishneh itself declares that from now on, hundreds of years before Rambam, women could not force a GET from their husband. But there are those who say that Rambam does permit a woman to force a GET. Ramo quotes Rabbi Eliezar Ashkenazi that this question is asked by major authorities but they simply didn’t know how to read the words of the Rambam. He read the exact words of the Rambam and showed that these great rabbis simply didn’t know how to read the Rambam correctly.

The Mishneh does not say that no woman could force a GET. It says that if a woman demands a GET she is not believed because she might be lying to get a better husband. But the Rambam never mentions the word “divorce.” The wife in his teaching is a woman who stays in her husband’s house, does the dishes, raises the children, and never mentions a GET. She only tells the husband to stay away from her in marital relations. The Rambam adds, however, a critical word that nobody comments on, the word shaato meaning the husband is given time to straighten out the marriage.[4] This word indicates that Beth Din will find out what is going on in the house. Is the husband treating his wife properly, or not? Therefore, a period is set by the husband who is told, “Fix up your marriage, or give a GET. You have one month or whenever the Beth Din says.” If the husband fixes the marriage and the marriage begins to function properly, fine, if not, a GET. And this is exactly what the Mishneh wanted to teach, so the problem is solved.

But what is the solution here with Pilegesh? Again, what extra word did Rambam put into his statement in Melochim?  OMO HOIVRAH. So what? That is the key. When I stared at it a while, a light came into my dull head. This is it! How can Rambam say that a woman sold as a slave may become married without Kesuba and Kiddushin as a Pilegesh, but that no normal man may do it? What kind of logic is that? A slave woman has more rights than regular women and men? That is ridiculous. Okay, it is ridiculous. But what is the logic that a slave woman has more rights than regular women or men? Then I finally figured out the solution to the puzzle. Rambam only allowed a king to marry a Pilegesh, but regular men could certainly marry a Pilegesh. The woman sold by her father as a slave was a Pilegesh but she was not married willingly. Her father sold her. Such a woman is a Pilegesh who can marry a man who is not a king, and the king may marry any woman, as long as she does not marry willingly, but because a king just took her, or her father sold her.

I conclude this by returning to the source of it all, the Ramo’s teshuva 91 by Rabbi Eliezar Ashkenazi. At the end of the lengthy study there, it brings important and exciting ideas about divorce and forced divorce, but none of them is permitted without the permission of great rabbis. Incidentally, even Ramban and other great rabbis only permitted Pilegesh if a prominent rabbi is in control of the marriage, not if two plain people just shack up. If anyone is interested in Pilegesh they can contact me, as I have semicha from the greatest Rabbis of Europe and Israel, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, Rabbi Yaacov Kaminetsky, Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashev (to pasken Gittin using his name) and others. A Pilegesh marriage has no Kesubo and no Kiddushin and each can leave when they want. But if anyone violates the marriage, that is the end of it. People who want Pilegesh must first get permission from the senior rabbi and maintain the rules or it is over.

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[1] Based upon Teshuva of Ramo #96 and Rabbi Eliezar Ashkenazi there

[2] Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 26:1 Gro #6

[3] See Rambam Melochim Kings

[4] See Rambam Mishneh Torah Noshim 14:8

Family and Children -How to Make them Happy and Wealthy; Divorce and Great Rabbis

Articles about Family and Children  by

Rabbi David E. Eidensohn   eidensohnd@gmail.com

Contents

Article One - How to Raise Happy and Successful Children.. 1

Article Two – How to Make a Successful Marriage.. 4

Article 3 - Divorce – Why it Occurs; and What is Next?.. 6

Article 4 – Great Rabbis Guide Their Generation and Community.. 9

Article One - How to Raise Happy and Successful Children

By David Eidensohn

Our topic is how to raise happy and successful children. We want here to describe two sets of children: One is the vast majority of Americans who are not Orthodox Jews, and the other are people like myself, who are deeply Orthodox Jews.

The deeply Orthodox Jews train their children to master the Torah from heaven and its teachings. And the Talmud is filled with instructions to see to it that before marriage a child must achieve some wealth. For years this bothered me very much. The great rabbis were often very wealthy. How was this possible if they were the greatest rabbis and had time not only to be great in Torah but in wealth? I never had an answer for that, until one day, I had an answer. Soon I will supply it, but first, since I am writing not only for the small number of deeply Orthodox Jews, but for all Americans, people of all religions and beliefs, I want to first touch on the great problems I have heard from friends who are professional teachers of children. It seems that even in Orthodox Jewish schools, many children fail. Why is this?

One reason is the terrifying problem of drugs. I know of a situation whereby some students would stand around a basement and suggest to other students to come in and enjoy themselves a bit, an enjoyment that ended in drugs. In one cemetery not far from my home there are two young boys who died in an overdose.

Whose fault is it? One problem is that our schools are based upon age. Children of one age are put in one class, or maybe two classes. The very bright students are bored silly by everyone else, the very weak students are destroyed by the other students, and the middle students suffer from top and bottom of the class. Is there any wonder that the school system itself is at fault? Why don’t we realize that forcing all ages in one class is destruction? But is there an alternative without breaking the back of the fiscal process?

When I realized the problem above that I mentioned, how great rabbis become Torah scholars of the highest order and yet become wealthy, which seems impossible, I began to think a lot about how to raise children that would become, if Orthodox Jewish, great in biblical teaching as well as wealthy, and if not Orthodox Jewish or of another religion or belief, could achieve their learning and wealth together. I finally came up with the solution, for everyone.

We know that all people in America spend a lot of time on television, movies, gulf, etc. and etc. Children surely do this. What do they gain from television, movies, etc.? Fun. Is that educational or just plain fun? Well, there is often some level of education, but basically, it is for fun. Much time of the day is spent on fun. Children grow up, the classroom is crowded with people who drain the interest from a lot of the children, and we don’t really have to wonder why some turn to drugs.

Well, what about using fire to fight fire? I mean, what if we could create fun for kids that was really worth while for them, I mean, if it could make them rich, honestly?

I wrote a fictional story about a Jewish kid named Shimi whose father was a farmer. The father and mother began training Shimi at a tender age to spend a few hours a day in Hebrew school learning Torah, but he also began, with the encouragement of his father and mother, to take fruits from the farm to school and trade them with goods that other kids brought to school. As time went on, his father began to urge him to learn how to rap on doors and sell things. The first stop was at the home of his father’s best friend, and when the friend saw who was waiting across the street from the little boy who rapped on his door, he realized immediately what the score was, and immediately purchased and made the child very happy. Shimi walked home with a few coins, and it really lifted his spirits. He wanted more coins, and gradually, his father turned him into a polished salesman, and then began training him in buying property.

Shimi’s father began his education how to purchase property by telling a story about a child he knew who once sold his bike for five dollars.  The child then discovered that the bike was worth ten dollars and was crushed. But the boy’s father was very happy that he had made such a mistake. He told him, “I have a friend who received a very large amount of money when he married a man’s daughter. But he had no experience in buying and lost all of his money. My son, you lost five dollars worth of a sale, but you will never again make a mistake in buying. It was really worth your time to make that mistake.”

Shimi never forgot what his father told him. “Learn from your mistakes.” When you are in business, you deal with people who want to make money, and you are at risk. Sometimes you will fall into a trap. Don’t let it bother you so much. Learn from it. And, here is the key, make sure you don’t repeat your mistakes.

 As time went on, not too much time, Shimi was really happy about Hebrew school and selling, and the money piled up. When Shimi turned to the age of Bar Mitsvah, thirteen years of age, he had already learned how to seek out and find property that the owner is desperate to sell at a ridiculous price, and he bought a very nice property. As time went on, he sold that property for a good sum and began buying other properties.

Shimi maintained his Torah studies, and some of his day was devoted to business. He had money, plenty of it, and purchased a vineyard and other properties, for his own use, and for eventual sale. Furthermore, as time went on, Shimi began encouraging people to buy land near his properties, or land on his properties, and when they arrived, he began guiding them in finding the right schools to raise happy children, learned in Torah and in business. Parents heard about this, and more and more people moved to Shimi’s estates.

One day, a very wealthy man came to Shimi’s parents, and they had a long talk, and emerged both very happy. Shimi had no idea who this person was or why he came to speak to his parents. Then the man came back: this time, he wanted to talk to Shimi. He told Shimi that he had a daughter, and Shimi’s parents knew about it and approved her as a potential wife for Shimi. He also said that his father was the local rabbi, but was getting along in age, and was about to retire. When he did, his synagogue would go to Shimi. The very wealthy man did not discuss how much Shimi would be paid, because he knew already that Shimi was himself wealthy. But he did tell Shimi that the choice of his salary was up to him, if he wanted it. Shimi wanted the job, but not the salary; he had no need for it. The wedding went through, and what a wedding it was! Shimi’s parents and their friends, Shimi’s friends who sent their children to his schools and moved into his estates, and many others came and rejoiced greatly. Here was a family that knew how to raise children, happy children, wealthy children, great in Torah learning. Many people who came to this wedding decided that they would consider for their own children, and maybe for themselves, a life with less television and more learning and more happiness.

If anyone is interested in making happy and successful children, contact me at David Eidensohn  at eidensohnd@gmail        or 845-578-1917.

Shalom!

Article Two – How to Make a Successful Marriage

by Rabbi David E. Eidensohn

The Talmud suggests that an early marriage, surely one supported by the parents and family, can help bring about a successful marriage. In the Orthodox world there are two types of parents. There are those who raise their children to prepare for this world and the next by studying the Torah, and also prepare their children to earn a living. These children come to maturity faithful to the dictates of their parents. When it comes time to marry, the parents or family make suggestions, or sometimes a stranger makes a good suggestion, and if the family and the boy or girl are interested, it could be a marriage. We call this the first type of parent or child, because the parents guide the steps of the child towards marriage and further.

Another type of family is when the child grows up independently, finds his or her own friends, and decides on their own how to earn a living. Sometimes a parent is unable to guide the child, or dies, or is in a family where the spouses quarrel or divorce. Surely in such situations a child is often on his own.

A child of a problem family has a problem escaping problems. So let us first concentrate on the first level, where a child is given a good start at finding the right way to marry. What is involved?

One thing the rabbis taught is that we want children to marry young. This means marrying at the age of eighteen or maybe seventeen, unless the boy is involved heavily in learning Torah and needs some more time. Furthermore, if a boy is actively seeking a wife, but has not found the right one, this may be acceptable, at least, for a few years.

There is, in addition, another idea, one so powerful it may even influence a child from the second level of seeking success in marriage, where the family is broken or divided or somewhat lacking what a child needs from his parents. That is the passage in the Torah “and he should make his wife happy.” Rashi and the Zohar tell us that this mitsvah is not a command for the wife and husband to treat each other properly. It is a mitsvah only upon the husband, that the burden of making his wife rejoice is not upon her, but only upon the husband. Raishis Chochmo explains that this can refer to monetary obligations that the husband has. If it is very cold outside and the husband only has money to buy one winter coat, he can buy it, but it should be for the wife. Obviously, when there is only one coat in the house, and this means that one person cannot go outside in the cold, we have problems. A great rabbi once had this problem and he took turns with his wife who would use the coat. But the basic idea is that the wife should, if possible, have her own coat. If it is impossible, it is impossible, but maybe the husband can find some job to support the needs of the family so that both husband and wife don’t freeze in the winter.

The mitsvah of “and he should make his wife happy” can apply even to the first level, when parents do their part in making children happy and successful, but people are what they are, and children being what they are, differences can sprout up, not only between couples, but between children and parents, and sometimes these differences lead to, in any kind of marriage, to anger and even divorce.

We have covered a lot of material in our short pages here, so let us pause a bit, and devote some space to divorce. This is important because divorce does happen and when it does many people simply refuse to remarry. This itself is a major disaster, and it consumes a large section of the community, even the Orthodox community.

Article 3 - Divorce – Why it Occurs; and What is Next?

Why does divorce occur? People don’t get along for many reasons. That often brings about divorce.

Therefore, we must turn to the next question in our title: What is Next?

Divorce is a tragedy, but it is one that can be repaired. A person can remarry. The tragedy today is that people who divorce often refuse to remarry. Not only do they refuse to remarry, but they shack up illicitly with others who often have no intent to remarry. People are desperate to get people married and produce very expensive programs to get people to come down and meet somebody that they may marry. They meet, they talk, they go for a walk or a drive, they go to a nice restaurant, maybe a nice movie, and rarely do they remarry. A rabbi who is heavily involved in these issues told me that even Orthodox Jews who were divorced are not easily enticed into remarrying, and they, sadly, end up sinning, HaShem Yerachem.  

Let us talk about this a bit. A person marries, it doesn’t work out, and perhaps, husband and wife have no marital relations. Such a thing is possible, and is even discussed in religious books on marriage. One serious book suggests that if a woman lives in the house with her married husband, but loses interest in having marital relations with him, and she stays in the house tending the children and working in the house in general, despite her refusal to have marital relations, this is something that requires the rabbis in the community to understand. What is happening? Why has the wife acted this way? Is the husband behaving properly? What went wrong?

One opinion states that a key element in the discussion is this: Does the wife refuse marital relations because she demands a divorce, that is, she wants to be free of the husband entirely, and perhaps to remarry? Or does she not want to leave the house, but will continue to live there, along with the husband in the same abode, but refuses to have relations with him.

This question then ties in with another teaching from the gemora. It seems that at a time a woman who demanded a divorce from her husband and states a reason why she wants the divorce, was generally believed. Because, in those very early years, women were known to be honest and not lie about their husbands. But as time went on, and the rabbis noted that some women were lying about their husbands simply because they preferred a different person to be their husband, and the stories about her present husband were quite possibly not true, then the rabbis ruled that women could not force the husband to give them a divorce. However, and this is a key point: If she does not demand a divorce, and does not mention the words “I want a divorce,” but can say what she wants about the husband regarding her refusal to have marital relations with him, in such a case, it is highly possible that the next step is for senior rabbis to talk to the husband. Is he treating his wife right, or not? The rabbis give the husband a certain amount of time to straighten things out in the house with his wife. If it works, fine, marriage is back in style in that house. But if it doesn’t work, and the wife has not demanded a GET, then the rabbis may decide to force the husband to give a GET.[1]

Now, the fact that a woman does ask for a GET means we don’t force the husband, because we don’t trust the woman because maybe she asks for a GET not because her complaints are true, but because she would prefer a different man for her husband. But if the rabbis can ascertain on their own that the husband has done things to cause grief to the woman in a manner that can bring about a forced GET, so that the woman is not the one who talks bad things about the husband but the rabbis independently realize this, that may result in a forced GET. Such is mentioned in the Shulchan Aruch when the rabbis sense that a man has taken a job that requires him to acquire a terrible smell that no woman can tolerate, he may, possibly, be forced to divorce his wife.[2]

The Torah commands a man to marry and to have children, a boy and a girl. Ideally, he should continue to have more children. There was a case where a man had many boys and no girls. A rabbi suggested that he divorce his wife because he was unable to fulfill the command to have a son and a daughter. But the senior rabbi of the time, Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev, cautioned prudence. No divorcing. Indeed, some say that women are not superior to men and two men may equal a man and a woman. It is true that the Talmud says that HaShem respects women more than men and trusts them perhaps more than men, but when it comes to force a man to divorce his wife for having two boys and no girls, that is off track.

But when a couple simply refuses to have marital relations, and have not had even the basic two children, this is serious. Do the rabbis intervene and force a divorce? Do they force intimacy? These are separate issues, but very relevant to the people involved. In other words, when marriage doesn’t work, and people do not divorce, we have serious problems, maybe problems that have no workable solution. And what of the people who don’t have relations but don’t divorce? Do we threaten them? I don’t present here solutions to these terrible problems, which do happen, only to say that these are the kind of things that can occur in a marriage, and they do. What we can try to do is to find a way to solve the problems, hopefully, with no divorce, but if no solution appears, what else can be done?[3]

Article 4 – Great Rabbis Guide Their Generation and Community

It was my privilege to study under the great rabbis from Europe and Israel from the age of about eleven for decades and I received approbations in writing and orally that I had mastered difficult parts of the Torah. Of course, I only learned under a few of the great rabbis from Europe and Israel. If we look into Jewish history, we find many great ones who lived far before me. I feel therefore an obligation to discuss both those rabbis that I personally studied under and received their approbations, and those rabbis who are the subject of higher and hidden achievements in earlier generations and countries. Both deserve our thoughts.

I want to begin this discussion with a personal shocking statement I made in a gemora class. The rabbi was discussing the greatest rabbis of past times, such as the Chofetz Chaim, etc. Everyone was very moved until I opened my mouth and declared, “I am bigger than they were.” People were shocked, except for the Rabbi, who knew me well. He waited, as he was so accustomed, for my punchline, because I was always talking to him and he liked to end with a punchline of his own. But everybody was now also waiting for the punchline and could not believe what possible thing I could say. So I said it:

“I wear a yarmulke.” The Rov smiled.

In other words, I was born in Washington, DC, in a time in America where almost nobody was religious. Indeed, in those days, American Jewish children usually had no serious Torah school to attend. Thousands of European Jews who were religious came to America, but they had no religious school for their children, and the children went to public school, as I did. What made me so exceptional was that I wore a Yarmulka. To do that in a world that trained children, one, to reject Judaism and two, to make money, meant that if you wear a yarmulke in public that was a big problem. I learned that the hard way.

I was about eleven years old and I was wearing a yarmulke and walking down the street. A man who was probably a middle-aged Jew came over to me, and with very strong objection, asked me, “You wear a yarmulke in public?” Then he added, “Don’t you know that people came from monkeys?”

Now my father was perhaps the leading battery scientist in the world. He doubled with one battery the power of the Navy’s submarines, for which he received a very high honor and the whole family participated. For that I came to the office of the Assistant Secretary of the Navy and took off my yarmulke until I left.

What I want to bring out is that I would always talk to my father and was thoroughly trained in replying to people. I immediately thought, “You say that people came from monkeys? And where did giraffes come from?” But I had respect for an older man and kept quiet. But I was thoroughly trained to reply.

But where did I learn to wear a yarmulke? When I was very young, I went to public school by day, and afterwards went to Yeshiva Or Torah DiBrisk, a school with three rabbis and four students. And the rest of the time I went to public school. As time went on, and I entered high school, an Orthodox Jewish teacher told my parents, “Get David out of this public school. Send him to a religious Yeshiva  such as they have in Baltimore.” I was soon in Baltimore, where I studied three years under the Gaon Rabbi Yaacov Bobrowsky.

But what ever happened to the Yeshiva Or Torah DiBrisk in Washington, DC? After I left it and went to Baltimore, the Yeshiva Or Torah DiBrisk lasted a few years. But just a week or so before the Six Day War, the two Malin rabbis took their entire families and moved to Israel. That was a very dangerous thing to do. Because it was generally considered that a war was coming with the Arab determined to wipe out the Jews in Israel. To take one’s entire family to Israel at such a time was an incredible act of courage. And of course, it paid off. In a few days, six or seven days (Called the Six Day War but the Tsadik Rav Levenshtein predicted weeks before that the war would last seven days) the Arabs were destroyed and Israel had enormous new territory to call its own. The Malin brothers went to work taking over buildings. The government approached them: If you have the money to support these large buildings you are taking, fine. But if you don’t have the money to support taking these buildings, the Arabs will demand that you give them back their buildings. So, make sure you have the money to take these buildings. The Malin brothers bought several large buildings and built very large Yeshivas, from little children to Kollel, until their Yeshiva became one of the biggest in Israel. This was their reward for trusting in HaShem and coming to Israel at a time when senior Zionists were fleeing from Israel out of fear of the Arabs. And incidentally, also senior British officers were running.

My three years in Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim in Baltimore studying under the great scholar Rabbi Yaacov Bobrowsky were very special and beloved for me. I met there a brilliant Torah scholar who was not well, but who lived in Baltimore, and could not spend too much time in his Yeshiva which was in Monsey. We became friends and he advised me that when I graduate high school, I go to Lakewood Yeshiva and study under the great Rabbi Aharon Kotler.

I was aware that I was making a major leap, but I did what he said, and when I came to Lakewood I worked very hard on preparing something to say to Rabbi Kotler. I said to him, “A equals B.” He replied, “It is equal if you feel that fish equals a wall,” which was his style in destroying the mistakes of his disciples and everybody else. I decided then and there, “I am talking to the greatest rabbi in the world only because I have chutspah (audacity), and I will be back tomorrow.” As time went on, Rabbi Kotler acknowledged that I had mastered his style in Talmud, which was a mighty compliment. I spoke to him constantly, in the study hall, while he walked to the dining room, and even at supper in his private room where nobody disturbed him.

I was once talking to him in his private dining room and suddenly three rabbis barged into the room. They were full of fire and so was Rabbi Kotler. They began a furious discussion in very fast Yiddish and I didn’t understand one word of it, but I did notice that the rabbis had placed a book on Rabbi Kotler’s table. Ten minutes of furious discussion (they all agreed about something that I didn’t understand) and I simply went over and opened the book they had placed, which was obviously the source of the explosion, which both agreed on. On and on the explosion went on and I finally realized what they were all upset about.

In those days, when people graduated from high school, special books were made filled with pictures and comments about each graduate. Most classes in religious schools had about thirty students. The girls, when they graduated, were eligible for marriage. And they knew that the boys would look at their pictures to select a wife. That infuriated Rabbi Kotler and the rabbis who brought the book. I thought to myself, if they ask me, the youngest student in the Yeshiva, to contact the dean of that girls’ school, that book would have instantly disappeared. So why did they sit and fume so long among themselves? I realized that Rabbi Kotler and those rabbis were fighters. And fighters fight. I determined that I, too, would be a fighter. In a few years, I began furious attacks on what I felt were bad mistakes made in matters of marriage and divorce.

Years later, I taught a class in Monsey, NY, and the senior rabbi in America, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, who was the major authority in Jewish law, would often visit Monsey with his wife, because his daughter was the wife of the rabbi of the synagogue there. I was terrified talking to Rabbi Feinstein, but I used my chutspah to ask him many questions, and he answered them. Eventually, I started rapping on the door of the rabbi of the synagogue who was his son-in-law, and he was kind enough to admit me to the house where Rabbi Moshe Feinstein responded to all of my questions.

I recall the time that I asked him a difficult question, for which he flipped out a gemora and turned to the page he wanted, and was he shocked: It was a page off! The great rabbis in that generation liked to identify the correct page in the Talmud exactly, and if they were off even a page, it was terrible!

I began writing books in English and Hebrew on difficult Talmudic subjects, and Rabbi Feinstein presented me with a written approbation that said, “I know Rabbi Eidensohn for many years as one who delves deeply into complex Talmudic teaching.” That is the ultimate compliment from the major expert in Jewish law of the generation. I received a similar paper from the great rabbi Rav Yaacov Kaminetsky, who at the time lived in Monsey, NY where I lived.

I present here something I once heard in a talk from Rav Yaacov Kaminetsky. He lamented the decline of the generations, from the very great to the lesser rabbis. He then said, “Do we have the right to say that we are no longer in the same league with the great sages of yesteryear? No. Today, we don’t even have the right to say that we are not worthy. And so, the generations just continue to decline until heaven reveals a happier world.”

I mentioned before regarding Rabbi Moshe Feinstein that the senior European rabbis were supposed to know every page in the Talmud perfectly together with the deeper ideas on it and all statements about that topic in the entire Torah literature. When Rabbi Feinstein, in his older age, was off one page, he was stunned. A similar story took place with Rabbi Yaacov Kaminetsky, which took place after he had a serious stroke, which left him very depressed. He, at the youngest age, had already read much of the bible and memorized every word which he would easily recite to anyone interested. Now he was advanced in the nineties and had a stroke. People said, “He cannot learn as he once did, and as a result, he wants to die, but his soul won’t release his body.”

In this state, people really feared praying for Rabbi Kaminetsky, but we did, and he was now sitting outside in Monsey when I came with another person to visit him and encourage him.

When we came, the person with me who was a prominent rabbi, told Rabbi Kaminetsky that I want to tell him a Torah interpretation. He accepted it and I told him that the Torah reading of the time was about Moshe about to die. Rashi, a major commentator, writes that Moshe lost the ability of his great wisdom at that time, just prior to his death. I asked, “If Moshe lost his great wisdom just prior to his death, how was it possible for him to, without wisdom, write the most difficult sections of the bible, without wisdom?”

Rabbi Kaminetsky became furious because he thought I was making fun of him. But I continued and answered my question: “Rabbi! Moshe was Torah!” Rabbi Kaminetsky heard that and accepted my good thoughts, that he, with a terrible stroke, and without his great wisdom, “was Torah” and could continue with heavenly help what his mind could no longer produce. Not long after that a dear friend of Rabbi Kaminetsky came to visit him and I left, but I always praise heaven that I merited to make Rabbi Kaminetsky happy and accept his situation, as he, with his stroke and loss of his previous mastery of the Talmud, “was Torah” and should be rightfully proud, that he was now as Moshe the master servant of HaShem. And whatever Moshe had to say, he said, although it was not produced by his native brilliance, but by the miracle of HaShem feeding him the Torah itself.

I am now about eighty years old, and I don’t remember what I used to. But when I sit down and clack out answers to serious questions on difficult parts of the Torah, I look at what I just wrote, and I say, “That is not from me. That is from HaShem.” And it is.

And now a very personal aside about me and my wife who are both pushing eighty. For about fifty years my wife supported the family and I was free to study Torah and write books. But finally, my wife realized that dragging around heavy boxes was not going to last and she is closing her business. When I realized that, I felt responsible to fill the gap and make some money. I prayed to HaShem and said, “I once raised money for my books by rapping on doors a few hours a week. But now I can no longer do this. I pray to You to find some source of money from You that I cannot produce on my own.”

Right afterwards I received a letter from a gentile woman who wrote about marriage in a prominent group of experts. She wanted to write for my blog on marriage and divorce and family or offer me the option to send her an article to be published in some major magazine. I wrote an article about a fictional character whose parents sent him to Hebrew school most of the day but also trained him in making money. When he came to marriageable age, he was quite wealthy from selling properties and encouraging parents to buy lots on his properties. He encouraged the parents to do as his parents, to teach their children schooling and how to make money.

I then received a letter from the editor of the organization that the lady who first wrote me belonged. The editor asked me for a picture and a small blurb about my life for the magazine they would send my article to. Other people I spoke to made other suggestions how I could make money with my writings.

If anyone has questions on family or marriage, etc., they can contact me at eidensohnd@gmail.com or 845-578-1917. I cannot promise to reply quickly to all questions, but I can try. If anyone is in a position to help support my writings and books, please let me know and I will be most appreciative. Shalom, David Eidensohn

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[1] See Teshuvose of Ramo 36 and especially 96. Rambam only says we force a GET when the wife complains about the husband but does not ask for a GET, but if she asks for a GET we do not force the husband to divorce her.

[2] See Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 154.1 If the husband acquires a terrible smell and the wife demands a divorce she is within her rights. The evil smell is obvious to the rabbis and everybody who smells it, and is not the invention of the wife.

[3] See above mentioned Teshuvose of Ramo 36 and 96. Lengthy discussions are there that touch on these kind of problems without clear and solid solutions other than quoting various senior commentators and referring the actual matter to senior rabbis of the time of the questions. This is the problem with these problems. Who knows the solution? What we get basically from this is that marriage doesn’t always work, and escaping a broken marriage is not always easy or even always possible.

The Laws of a Forced GET

GET MEUSA -  A Forced GET

By Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn

The Rambam[1] says: “And how do we know that these ten things are Torah rules, as it is said, ‘and it will be if she does not find favor in his eyes that he will write for her a document of divorce’…’if she will not find favor in his eyes’ this teaches us that he may only divorce  her if he does so willingly.’”

It would thus seem from the Rambam that any divorce given not from the will of the husband who wants the divorce but by the husband under pressure he does not want, is by Torah rules an invalid Get. If so, children born from such a Get are mamzerim diorayso.

See also Rashbo VII:414 “We not force a GET to divorce his wife. But if he wants to give a GET, let him give the GET. And if he does not wish to do this, let him not do it.”

But in recent years the fact that most people marry with Kiddushin, and the only way for the woman to leave the husband is if he gives her a GET willingly, makes problems. Some husbands refuse, perhaps because the children don’t want their parents to divorce. Some husbands are very hurt that their wives want to leave them, and may demand money. And of course, some husbands simply don’t want the wives to leave them, for a variety of reasons.

The Vilna Gaon quotes a gemora in Sanhedrin 21A that Kiddushin and Pilegesh are both permitted in marriage. Kiddushin requires a Kesubo and Kiddushin, with two kosher witnesses, and Pilegesh requires nothing. Two people can marry alone and the wife goes to the husband’s house. For as long as they live happily together, fine. If one of them wants to end the marriage, that is also fine. No penalties for anyone.

Today many rabbis and even rabbinical courts in America and Israel violate the Torah and force husbands to divorce their wives. If the wife remarries with a forced and invalid GET and has a child from her new husband, the child is a mamzer. Some even invent lies that the husband is mentally unable for marriage. These lies come from ‘rabbis’ who have Yeshivas and shulls, but their opinions are worthless, as I heard from my rebbe Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev zt”l. Once a Beth Din pulls these kind of tricks, it is ruined as a Beth Din. Its divorces and similar things are not recognized.[2] Then the wife must go to a kosher Beth Din to get a kosher GET from her husband, given willingly by the husband.

In the beginning of the laws of Kiddushin marriage in Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer, beginning of chapter 26, the Vilna Gaon, Ramban and Rambam say that Pilegesh is permitted to make marriage even without Kesubo and Kiddushin. Two people may alone have the wife come to the husband’s house. If they want to remain married, fine. If one of them wants to end the marriage, fine. If the wife begins to date other men, or become involved in Zenuse, that ends the marriage.

 But the great rabbis who enthusiastically support Pilegesh have a caveat. Two people can not just “shack up,” which is zenuse. They must appear before a prominent rabbi and have him approve of them becoming Pilegesh. The wife must commit to going to the Mikva. And since some Mikvas won’t accept a Pilegesh, the rabbi must vouch for them and have the Mikva accept the Pilegesh.

Furthermore, not every rabbi is designed to deal with Pilagshim. Ramban even writes to his rebbe who was a great tsadik and Chosid, not to deal with Pilagshim. Perhaps the Ramban felt that he could deal with Pilagshim, and be strong enough to ensure their proper behavior. But maybe his rebbe was not the person for this kind of control.

I studied intensively under the greatest European rabbis, Geonim Rabbi Aharon Kotler of Lakewood Yeshiva, Rabbi Yaacov Kaminetsky Rosh Yeshiva of Torah Vidaas, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein perhaps the leading posek in America, and the Klozenberger Dayan in Williamsburg Rav Fishel Hershkowitz.

If somebody wants to marry with Pilegesh let them contact me at 845-578-1917 or eidensohnd@gmail.com. They will have to appear before me and sign papers that they agree to obey what I instruct them. But if they do, they can tell me when, especially the wife, decides to break the marriage of Pilegesh. Then there or no fines or problems.

I feel that when the gemora in Sanhedrin 21A states clearly that Pilegesh marriage is permitted, and the Vilna Gaon, Ramban and Rambam agree, that it is fine with me. Now some disagree, but today, with the enormous number of people who are unable to get a willing GET from their husbands and then turn to ‘rabbis’ to permit them to do the wrong things and make mamzerim, it is time to recognize that in Pilegesh people come and go without making mamzerim. But again, a senior rabbi is required to guide them.

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[1] Noshim Gerushin 1:2 Laws of Divorce in Mishneh Torah chapter one paragraph 2

[2] There is an entire book written by the greatest Israeli and American rabbis, Rosh Yeshivas and Poskim, Mishpitei Yisroel, given out free of charge, to stem the enormous flow of mamzerim created by women forcing GETS from their husbands and those who go to secular courts for a ruling that the husband must give a GET. There are even countries and states in US today that cooperate with this mamzer making. And things will be worse tomorrow.

Kiddushin and Pilegesh

By Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn

Contents

Kiddushin and Pilegesh. 1

Pilegesh in Halacha. 3

Proper Halacha Application and Status of a Pilegesh Marriage. 5

The Practical Rules of a Pilegesh. 6

Kiddushin and Pilegesh

It is known that in the life of a Torah child and family, the greatest happiness is often the marriage of a child, especially a woman, who comes to the wedding with exquisite gowns and jewelry. It is appropriate for a woman to feel special about the marriage day. The gemora and the poskim tell us that a man must love his wife as he loves himself and honor her more than himself.[1] A good marriage is about a husband constantly thinking of ways to honor his wife more than himself. The Torah tells us that a man upon marriage should “make his wife rejoice.” Rashi and the Zohar[2] note that the command is not for the husband to rejoice in marriage “with the wife” but to “make her rejoice” meaning, if it is hard for the husband to give all to make his wife happy, he is doing things properly.  But if he goes about his marriage as a partnership, and he is only willing to go so far in his kindness to his wife as she goes for him, that is wrong, and the marriage is not going in the right direction.[3]

Thus, marriage, at least the beginning of marriage, is ideally an opportunity for the wife to be the center of attention, and the husband is careful to make her happy even if it is hard for him. We have come so far talking about the beginning of the marriage, the first day or so, and of course the first year is also special, and hopefully, afterwards as well. If things go well the first day and the first year, and the husband really trains himself to please his wife, and she reciprocates his love for her, that is a winning combination. But the reality is, especially today, that marriages are not always as smooth and lovely as we wish. In fact, the topic of our discussion here is about when things go wrong, and the marriage does not work out well. We are even discussing here what happens when the wife is fed up with her husband, and yes, sometimes she wants a divorce. But according to the Torah, the man has the power to control giving the GET, or ending the marriage. If he does not give his wife a GET willingly, she is not free of him.

If she finds some rabbi who encourages her to get people to pressure the husband to give her a GET against his will, that GET is invalid. If she remarries with it, an invalid GET, and has children from the next husband, there is a problem of the children born from an invalid GET to be mamzerim. But to stay married to someone she cannot stand is also terrible. Thus, the situation with Kiddushin can begin in a lovely matter, but it can end terribly. What is a woman to do?

Let us be honest. Kiddushin is a problem for women, and it could be a problem even for men, although we are emphasizing now about the problems for women. We know that the majority of Orthodox women marry with Kiddushin, maybe nearly all of them. But what happens when the marriage sours? Rather, is there any way to avoid the crisis of a woman desperate to leave her husband when he is not interested in her leaving? One idea is for the husband to promise to divorce her at a certain time, but he could change his mind, and there is nothing she can do about it. She could refuse to marry at all, but what kind of life is that? It is even a sin to refuse to marry, because people have biological forces that cause sins in one not married. No, the truth is, that Kiddushin is a major problem, with all of its glitter and glory. Increasingly, people find the worst problems from Kiddushin.

There is, however, a solution. But like many solutions, you have to think slowly and carefully into this solution. It may be for you and it may have problems. The solution is to marry without Kiddushin that gives the man the power to control the marriage and the wife’s happiness, and to marry with something known as Pilegesh. Pilegesh is a marriage discussed in the gemora Sanhedrin 21A and the Shulchan Aruch in the beginning of the laws of Kiddushin. The Ramban enthusiastically embraces Pilegesh, and says that the Rambam also accepts it, as long as the couple marries in a serious manner, that is, not as zenuse. A couple committed to marriage, even one without Kiddushin, but as Pilegesh, are married in a kosher matter. It is not only kosher, but it saves the problems of Kiddushin, because the husband and wife, if they see the marriage as a problem, can simply end it, with no penalties at all.

I know some women who married as Pilegesh and they were happy with it. Some had big problems with Kiddushin and were advised that the next marriage should be Pilegesh, and they were very happy with Pilegesh.

And yet, there is definitely a negative feeling in marrying with Pilegesh, at least, in some people. What I say to these people is to understand that if there is a Kiddushin marriage and it fails, and the woman goes to a rabbi who violates the Torah and forces the husband to divorce her, her next children will be mamzerim. Now, can Pilegesh be worse than mamzerim? No. That usually convinces people, but not all people.

I have actually dealt with people who feel that better mamzeruth than Pilegesh. Well, the children born from the Kiddushin marriage that produces mamzerim will not agree, not after they become mamzerim. So how can anyone believe that Pilegesh is worse than mamzeruth? Again, Pilegesh marriage, assuming it is a true marriage and not zenuse, is a completely valid thing, backed by gedolei hadorose, such as Ramban and even Rambam if there is no zenuse but a real marriage. Pilegesh is discussed in the very beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin in the Shulchan Aruch. The Vilna Gaon there quotes the gemora in Sanhedrin 21A that Pilegesh is without Kiddushin and without Kesubo, but it is viable, again, as long as it is a real marriage.

I know people who had problems with Kiddushin, men and women, and who are interested in Pilegesh. But it is a new thing and few people do it today, so that itself is a problem for many people. I understand that. What I don’t understand is the people who tell me strongly that Pilegesh is worse than mamzeruth. What world do they live in? Pilegesh is not a sin and mamzeruth is a sin and the worst pain for a child and for the parents. Who can say such a thing that Pilegesh is worse than mamzeruth? But I repeat that somebody who thinks carefully, will realize that making mamzerim from your children is much worse than marrying with Pilegesh.

I also maintain that a woman who marries with Kiddushin, must realize the danger she is in. Perhaps the husband will not be what she wants, and there is no escape other than the death of the husband. Of course, she could find a “rabbi” who tells her to disobey the Torah and force the husband to divorce her. But if she does that, children born from her second marriage will be likely mamzerim.

We have thus concluded the first section of our discussion of Pilegesh. The next section will be about the laws of Pilegesh and how to arrange a Pilegesh marriage in practical terms.

Pilegesh in Halacha

 We begin with the gemora in Sanhedrin 21A quoted by the Vilna Gaon in his commentary to the beginning of the Laws of Kiddushin in Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer. A Pilegesh has no Kiddushin and no Kesubo. What then are the laws of Pilegesh?

A major source to permit Pilegesh is from the Ramban. The Ramban is found in the volume of the Teshuvose of the Rashbo entitled “Responsa of the Rashbo that seem to be from the Ramban.” Let us explain what this means. The Rashbo has many volumes as he was one of the greatest codifiers and poskim. One of those volumes is known as Meyucheses meaning, it is included as a volume written by the Rashbo, but actually, it is from the Ramban. Let us explain this a bit. The volume called Meyucheses is classified as being from the Rashbo, but at least two teshuvose are clearly not from the Rashbo but from the Ramban. These are responsas number 283 and 284. Both of these teshuvose are clearly marked as being not from the Rashbo but from the Ramban. Many other teshuvose in this volume are not marked as being from the Ramban, and they are generally included with the other responsas of the Rashbo, although at least two of the Teshuvose ascribed to the Rashbo are definitely from the Ramban and not the Rashbo, as stated before. Again, the other of the 288 teshuvose in this volume are not clearly marked as being from the Ramban, which would seemingly indicate that they are not from the Ramban, but from somebody else, maybe the Rashbo. But the two responses that are clearly marked as being from the Ramban, these two are surely from the Ramban. Responsa 284 is about Pilegesh. Let us see what the Ramban says about Pilegesh.

It is a long teshuva but let us take a few passages that clarify exactly what Pilegesh means and what Kiddushin means. It seems that Kiddushin means that the woman the husband marries with kiddushin becomes his wife, as if he has acquired her. The Pilegesh does not have this aspect, and she is not acquired by the husband. Thus, in Kiddushin, since the wife is acquired by the husband through the Kiddushin, she may not leave him without his permission, such as when he gives her a GET or dies. Pilegesh, on the other hand, does not confer upon the husband the right to claim that the woman is acquired by him. She can therefore leave whenever she wants, as can the husband.

The second law the Ramban discusses about Kiddushin and Pilegesh is that in Kiddushin the woman who is sanctified by the Kiddushin becomes forbidden to everyone other than her husband. The Pilegesh is not forbidden to everyone other than the husband as the Kiddushin woman is forbidden. That is, if a woman is married with Kiddushin and has relations with a strange man, she is forbidden to return to her husband, and she is forbidden to be ever again with the strange man she slept with. The Ramban says that Pilegesh does not have this rule, but he does not state clearly what this means. Does it mean that she can sleep with her husband and other men? It surely doesn’t mean that, because this is not marriage but the opposite. What I understand from this is that in Kiddushin the husband acquires her which means that no man other than the husband is ever allowed to sleep with the wife of the husband who made Kiddushin to acquire her. A Pilegesh does not have this acquiring in the sense that the husband acquires her and has power over her to forbid her to be with other men. Now a Pilegesh surely is forbidden to go with men not her husband. But it is not because the husband acquires her as he acquires a Kiddushin wife. It is rather because a Pilegesh must be careful not to turn her relationship with the husband into Zenuse, or prostitution. If the wife of the Pilegesh husband goes around sleeping with other men she has violated the sanctity of marriage for Pilegesh, and Rambam would consider her a sinner because she acted with zenuse.

The third level discussed by Ramban is that Pilegesh is not Mekudesh [sanctified with Kiddushin] as is the woman who is sanctified with Kiddushin. Again, it is not clear what this means. Possibly, it means that a woman who accepts Kiddushin is somewhat sanctified by it, but Pilegesh has no sanctity similar to Kiddushin. She and he her husband must honor their marriage and not run around with zenuse, but she has no sanctity bordering on Kiddushin.  What we gain from this is that a woman with Kiddushin must deal with her elevated status of holiness not to leave the husband without his permission, etc., but the Pilegesh has no such elevated status that forces the Pilegesh to be acquired by the husband, etc., as mentioned above. Despite this, the Pilegesh woman is obligated to honor marriage with one husband, otherwise she sins with zenuse and the husband must drive her from the house as we see later.

The Ramban then says that even though the Rambam in the Laws of Kings says that Pilegesh is permitted only to a king, the Ramban says this means that if one takes a woman as zenuse without marrying her, that is forbidden for somebody who is not a king, but one who takes a Pilegesh to marry her, Rambam agrees that a Pilegesh is permitted. Possibly a king who marries a Pilegesh does not fear that she will commit zenuse, because once the king takes her as a Pilegesh and surely if he has relations with her, nobody will go near here for zenuse, nor will anyone violate her marriage with the king out of fear of the king.

Another major backer of Pilegesh is Rav Yaacov Emden, son of the Chacham Tsvi. See his Teshuva sefer Shaalas Yayvetz II:15; at the end of the lengthy teshuvo there he writes how to do Pilegesh properly: “The husband must designate a room in his house for his wife the Pilegesh, and to warn her against ever being alone with any other man, and if he ever discovers that she sinned and was not careful, that he should immediately send her out of his house, and also he should command her to go to the Mikva regularly, and he should notify her that there is absolutely no shame in this. Also, he should clarify for her that children born from him are kosher children just like the meyuchesdika children in Jewish homes, so long as she guards her covenant and will be faithful to this man her husband, but not if she goes with other men to have zenuse with them. Because then her children are the products of zenuse. And she is a Kedaisho prostitute who deserves a punishment for every biah that she has with this man or any other man.”

We have covered basic halochose of Pilegesh. And now we come to understanding in practical terms the proper halacha applications and status of a Pilegesh marriage.

Proper Halacha Application and Status of a Pilegesh Marriage

Until now I have quoted various sources to explain why Pilegesh is permitted, and we have touched on various aspects of living as a Pilegesh. But now we want to go into a new area, so let me explain what it is.

As I mentioned above, most people marry with Kiddushin and few people marry with Pilegesh. This itself is a problem for those who marry with Pilegesh. For instance, Mr. A marries Mrs. B. as a Pilegesh. They live together for several years, and have children, but then decide to break up the marriage, which for a Pilegesh is basically simple. No GET is required. Permission of the husband is not required. Okay.

Now, let us imagine that Mrs. B. decides to leave her husband and maybe take some children elsewhere. One day somebody comes to her and asks her if she is interested in remarrying. She replies that she wants to know who the man is. So she is told who the man is. Then the shadchon asks the Pilegesh lady, “Can you show me a paper that you received a proper GET?” Mrs. B. never got a GET, because a Pilegesh doesn’t need a GET. But if she replies that she is a Pilegesh and doesn’t need a GET, people may not accept that. Very few people do become Pilegesh. So what does the Pilegesh lady do?

Another Pilegesh problem is mentioned in the section of the Shulchan Aruch that deals with Kiddushin marriage. The very beginning of that section deals with Pilegesh. One of the problems of Pilegesh is that she may be embarrassed to go to the Mikva to be cleansed of Nida. In fact, there is an opinion that forbids marrying a Pilegesh because she may be embarrassed to go to the Mikva, but consequently, if she is prepared to go to the Mikvah, which may have some embarrassment for her, she is permitted. But let us make a mental note of this, that if you are in a community with thousands of people who have Kiddushin and maybe five people have Pilegesh, some people, including the Pilegesh, may not understand or perhaps they will understand too well that they should be embarrassed! If we talk about people married with Pilegesh, we must deal with these issues. We don’t want women refusing to go to the Mikva, and we don’t want women attacked because they have no GET when they are Pilegesh who don’t need a GET.

Recall that our title of this section is Proper Halacha Application and Status of a Pilegesh Marriage. I want to present the following here: Proper Halacha Application and Status means dealing with Pilegesh people as human beings who are given some protection from similar problems that could crop up when somebody is different than most other people in any level of behavior especially in something as sensitive as marriage and having children. So what do I suggest?

One, I suggest that a couple that wants to marry as Pilegesh be trained by a rabbi who is prepared to explain all of the possible difficulties, and who is willing to work hard to find solutions to those problems.

Let us talk about the problem of going to the Mikva. Whose problem is this? It is the problem of the Rov who manages the couple who are Pilegesh. The Rov must find the proper Mikva. I know somebody who is very interested in Pilegesh and told me about a person who paid for an expert in constructing kosher Mikvas, even for ladies, and built such a Mikva. Now men use that Mikva during the day and women at night. Of course, there have to be men on duty by day and women on duty by night. But if the owner of the facility is willing to cooperate, it can be done.

Another solution is to find somewhere a place to build a Mikva, perhaps one for ladies. If the proper expert can be found, and be told that it is for ladies, who require a much more professional Mikva than the one for men, and he agrees to keep it kosher for ladies, we have achieved something. At any rate, there are always things that crop up and the Rov who helps out the Pilegesh people in his area has to be ahead of the game, but it can be done.

The Practical Rules of a Pilegesh

What do we mean by The Practical Rules of a Pilegesh? What it means to me is as follows: There are from the senior rabbis of the generations various teachings about being a Pilegesh. I personally would not want to utilize some of their ideas. I want a Pilegesh family to act like a very conservative family that will try to avoid anything that could somehow be construed as too liberal for people making a family.

Originally, I thought that a person who chooses Pilegesh must tell me that they are not confident that they could keep the laws of Kiddushin, which means essentially to give up one’s hopes for a normal marriage if the marriage sours and the husband won’t give a GET willingly. But if there is any doubt in the person if they would last a lifetime with no happiness in the marriage, then I would accept them as Pilegesh. And furthermore, if the person would tell me that if they take Kiddushin they feel they could give up their lives, but they nonetheless fear that maybe, if certain rabbis tell them to force a GET maybe they will listen and make a GET that is invalid and maybe make mamzerim, if they fear this, I would also give them Pilegesh. That is how I once thought. But today, when I see the great decline in the rabbis and how they encourage things that are plainly forbidden by the Torah, I see that encouraging Pilegesh must be done even if for somebody who won’t fear Kiddushin. Why? Because I fear it. And daily, things get worse out there with the rabbis. Very recently a prominent Rov called me from a far-off country about people in his area are marrying women without a GET. The same thing was publicized in the name of a very senior rabbi in a European country. It just keeps getting worse, HaShem Yerachem. So I feel that marrying with Pilegesh takes off a lot of fear and makes a lot of sense.

Anyone who wants to marry with Pilegesh would have to be trained in the laws of Pilegesh and how to behave properly. They must know the difficulties, such as what happens if the local Mikva doesn’t want to permit a Pilegesh to come there. I am not sure it won’t happen. At any rate, we must anticipate all of the potential problems and hopefully find solutions for them, before they marry as Pilegesh.

Ideally, if I was accepting people to become Pilegesh, I would prefer that several people, let us say me and two others who understand people, and the three of us would talk to the people involved and make sure that they are emotionally and mentally ready for Pilegesh. We would also have to find people who can do the detective work necessary to find out whatever we have to find out about the couple involved. Were they married before with Kiddushin? Did they have a kosher GET? Did they have a relationship with a Jewish person in a neighborhood where some Orthodox Jews lived and noticed this so that people may assume that this constitutes a real Kiddushin marriage? And we would want to establish classes for them in laws of Nida, kashruse, Shabbos, etc. Marrying with Pilegesh or something else doesn’t exempt a person from keeping the Torah.

Making classes and having a Mikva could run into money, and when the first few people become Pilegesh in a community it may not be practical to have to spend a lot of money. We can, however, only do what we can. And if we can find some people who realize the crucial need for Pilegesh, we may succeed. The difference between Pilegesh and Kiddushin is the difference between mamzerim and kosher Jews. Isn’t that worth something?

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[1] Yevomose 62b

[2] Devorim 24:5 – Rashi, Targum Unkeluse, Zohar דברים רעז:2

[3] Rashi and the Zohar are as stated before to make the wife rejoice, not himself. Rashi notes that ViSeemach [Seemach with a chirik] ess eeshto is translated “and he will make his wife rejoice” not himself. However, if the phrase would be “and he will rejoice with his wife” it should say, “Visomach [somach with a komets] ess eeshto” meaning, he will rejoice with his wife meaning both together. The problem is that the Targum Yonoson translates, “and he will rejoice with his wife.”  The gemora in Succa 28A says that Hillel had eighty students and that the greatest student was Yonasan ben Uziel and the most minor of the students was Yochanan ben Zackai.  Yochanan mastered the Torah as mentioned there, but Yonasan was greater. When he taught Torah, a bird that flew over him was burned by the fire of his learning. See Tosfose there. Perhaps we can refer to the gemora above that one should love his wife like himself and honor her more than himself. Perhaps if we refer to one’s love for his wife it should be equal, but he honors her more than himself. Thus when referring to love it is equal as he loves her as he loves himself. But when it comes to honor, he honors her above himself. Rashi thus can be talking about honoring the wife where he honors her more than himself. But Yonasan is talking about love, that they love equally.